Friday, June 30, 2006

How to Order a Pizza

Hi-Pizza Hut?

Guy's Voice - Pizza Hut!

Umm Yes, I'd Like to get an Order delivered please

Ok, just a sec, I'm trying to get to my little screen...

Yeah, I know all about those little screens

(mutual uncomfortable laugh at my lame joke)

I've got a coupon for a large Pan pizza for 10.99

Ok, looking for the coupon - was that in this week's paper?

No, that was in this week's mailbox, I get all of my news online.

Ok. Umm. Just a sec, I've got to go to the back and see if I can
find it. Ok, I found it. So, what would you like on that.

I'd like to get the Vegetarian lover's pizza. Except, I'd like to add

Bacon? But you're a vegetarian!

No I'm not. I'm just getting the vegetarian lover's pizza.

Well, why don't you get a supreme or something. It has meat
and vegetables already.

Nah, I just want the bacon.

Ok. Is that it?

Nope. I also want to add anchovies on one side.

Anchovies? Ahhh... ok.

And then on the other side? I want to add jalapenos.
Oh, and please be sure they bring some of those pepper
packets with the pizza.

Oh. Uhh.. boy. ok. I think... umm...


I'm trying not to vomit over here.

Ahhh man, how do you expect me to eat my pizza after you said
the word "vomit"?

I'm not really sure how you were expecting to eat that pizza in the
first place. I don't really believe anyone would eat that. I think I
want to come over to see and take pictures because nobody's gonna
believe it.

hmmm... Sounds pretty kinky to me. I thought pizza boys only
came over and to your house and took pictures of you in Pent-
house stories.

Man, you are SO going to get me in trouble if they are recording
this call.

Awww, tell the pizza nazi's to lighten up, and by the way - I want
an order of cheesesticks with this. By the way, what's my total?

Thursday, June 29, 2006

What's the Strangest Place You've Ever...

Let me just set this story up for you. Because truly, when I read it
I did TRY to give the guy who is the subject matter thereof the be-
nefit of the doubt.

So I thought to myself, you know, what IS the strangest place I've
ever umm...

I mean, you know how it is, you're bored, its late at night and you're
driving across the country on a fourteen hour road trip. There's no-
body else in the car. For whatever reason you start daydreaming
(well. nightdreaming) about some erotic fantasy you've had and you
think, "What's the harm?" Not another car around for miles...

And you can't TELL me that some of you guys haven't ever locked
the door at work sometimes during the middle of the day and done
this in your office during a slow day when nobody else was really

But this guy. This guy really took things way over the top folks.
Way. If he'd been consulting his wee willie horoscope it would have
said, Are you fucking insane?! Hell to the No! Don't even think about
it! I mean, if he'd checked his horoscope before each of the fifteen
or twenty times he did this certain thing you're about to read about.
Because in his case:


+ the Investment in one Super Ultra Penis Pump

oh yeah, and presiding over a packed court room whilst masturba-
ting with said pump...

Simply do not mix well.

Which is kind of unfair when you think about it because with all of
the attornies around, one should almost be able to have the expec-
tation of being able to get fucked by mere virtue of showing up.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Canadians Are Coming!

Seriously. This weekend, my newest customers - the latest devo-
tees of the chicken pimp are coming to town. With their wives.
Have I ever mentioned that wives never EVER like me? They
don't. It's because I have NO CLUE what women talk about.
Honestly, I have no clue what men talk about socially either. But
at least I can usually talk to them about either work or sex and
we're pretty safe.

Ok, safe might not be the best word for it but... the conversation
will work. You know? In all actuality though, if I could talk about
anything, I would be discussing various things which absolutely no-
body but me is interested in.

It would go something like this:

Me: Have you ever thought about the parellels between Machia-
velli's "The Prince" and the "The Art of War"? I mean, presumab-
ly Machiavelli didn't really mean everything he said in "The Prince"
He was just trying to get into the good graces of the Borgias. So
he's not really as Machiavellian as we've been led to believe
whereas in "The Art of War"..

Any Guy: That girl that owns that new restaurant's really got a set

Me: Yeah, I think she used to be a stripper in Switzerland. Umm,
so do you know anything about contract law in the state of Georgia?
I'm trying to research any and all cases I can find on piercing the
corporate veil, especially as it refers to...

Any Guy: Yeah, I'd like to pierce your veil all right

Me: Wanna beer?

So anyway, my friend and business associate in L.A. thought it would
be fun, given my distinct lack of facility in relaxing ANYWAY to in-
vite not only these new Canadian customers AND their wives, but
also, my friend and customer John from Detroit and HIS girlfriend.
Oh, and his brother. So that they could all come up and we could
do business while having a RELAXING fourth of July weekend.

We've rented a huge pontoon boat so we can all go out on the lake
and get drunk, so that takes care of Sunday. 3 women and 5 guys
on a pontoon and me the only single girl while the wives and girl-
friend sit in the corner and snark about me because I'm single and
blonde. The girls aren't going to want to talk about the corporate
veil EITHER.

Should be FUN FUN FUN

So when you're out on a boat entertaining customers is it permis-
sable to just, you know, pick up a book and read?

Shit. I didn't think so.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

So I was Thinking about Sex

Which is encouraging. Because you know, it means everything is
getting back to normal again. But anyway. That aside. I was
thinking about how men... lie. Either that or, I am just WAY
freakier than 99.9% of the guys I've ever been with.

Ok, granted - except for you - Mike Jasper - and also... there was
that one guy in military intelligence. He had some, you know, dif-
ferent fantasies.

Here's what I mean. This is a typical conversation between me
and someone I'm dating.

Me: So... Now that we know each other better, what's your wild-
est sexual fantasy?

Him: (without fail) Me? I don't really have any crazy sexual fan-
tasies. You know, except the usual. Me and two girls (he some
how carries forth in this vein blissfully unaware of my rolling

Me: Really? The two girl thing huh? That's so... original. Noth-
ing else?

Him: Nope. Can't think of anything.

ooo-k. the internet and phone sex lines are filling up with consum-
ers talking about and downloading smut of the filthiest kinds but
my guys only think about pure-d vanilla straightforward sex.

Maybe I just need to get out of Alabama...

Saturday, June 24, 2006

A Moment In the Life of Me...

Email from my mom, 9:42 pm...

"hi sweetie,

Dylan asked me to email you and tell you that you left your phone
at the Chinese restaurant. I called, the lady still has it and does not
know fluent english. Nor did she know how to reach you. I told her
I would email you.

love, mama"

Apparently, I live and die by the mercy and grace of my family and
friends. Dylan, in Austin with his father for a month, realized that I
had left my phone (my only means of communication since we only
have a dedicated line for our burglar alarm and don't use a home
phone) at the restaurant when he tried to call a moment ago. Be-
ing the bright child he is, he called my MOTHER and told on me
(just kidding) had her email me so that I could go pick the bloody
thing up before the restaurant closes. They did all of this from
1200 miles away.

And yes, I DO feel incompetent. I'd dwell on it more, but I have to
get to China One by 10 pm ;)~

Awww.... For Fuck's Sake

Ok, I am going to blog HERE about the cool new thing Ms. Scarlett
is doing because ummm... I can't do it on her blog. (I have lang-
uage issues) and uh... I might disparage certain of the designers
openly and rather err... loudly at times. I mean, I haven't yet, but..
I might. LOL but anyway folks, go check her out, she is famous.

Always well put together and cool as cucumber, Scarlett is blogging
Bravo's "Project Runway," - Check it out! She has done a marvel-
ous job, along with her two compatriots, Laura K., and T-bone:


And keep it nice, site rules: no cursing, no disparaging the design-
ers in the show (some of their parents actually read the site!)

Nice work Charlotte!
P.S. I am CRUSHED! I was rooting for Santino! (Go Figure)

Sunday, June 18, 2006

KATIE HOLMES - Are You Listening?

Listen Girlfriend,

Get yourself one of those extremely good, high-priced Hollywood
divorce lawyers. You know, one who has too much money to be
afraid of those moonies! err.. sorry, Scientologists. I know, I know,
rumor has it that you signed your kid and Tom's fortune away in
one of those stupid pre-nups. Something about how you have to
stay married to him for ten years or you'll walk away with nothing-
including the kid.

Well, I don't know if that's true or not, but here's a hint. HE
how about that. But listen honey, I think I have a way out for
you. I was reading up on child support law. You know, for my
own purposes? And I came across this little tidbit I thought
might help you out so I'm passing it along. Here it is:

About that Damn Pre-nup

See? So get yourself a great attorney and an even better judge
and you might be able to at least walk away from this entire
ordeal with your kid. Because those last photos we saw of you
sweetie? You weren't looking so hot.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Doc's Political Parlor

So, you know every once in a while I'll run across a blog I particu-
larly like and I will take the time to foist it upon everyone else.
So once again, here goes:

Doc's Political Parlor
& Home of Lawn Mower Repair

Now, this site will likely be of much greater interest to those of
you who live in Alabama. Let me rephrase. If by chance, some-
one happens to come along who by coincidence lives in Alabama,
reads my blog AND actually happens to have internet access, then
my friend, the above listed blog is for YOU.

Should you not belong to that particular trifecta, you might still
enjoy it as an informative and entertaining political commentary.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Golf Carts & Other Deadly Weapons

So after an bone-achingly busy day at work (wait, did I say after?)

What I mean is, while I sit here eating my enchiladas - brought into
the chicken plant for our largely latino labor force (they are authen-
tic and delicious by the way {the enchiladas I mean, not the labor
force} and no - I do NOT want to know what's in them {again, refer-
ring to the enchiladas there}) during one of the few breaks I've
managed to catch today, I've been catching up on the news.

Allow me to share with you a somewhat humorous story:

Golf Carts & Other Deadly Weapons

Yeah I know, that's not REALLY the name of the news story - but
if I'd written it, that's what I would have called it.

I mean truly, isn't dui based on the fact that if you are drunk and
behind the wheel you run the risk of causing property damage and/
or vehicular homicide? Can you really do all of that in a golf cart?
Shouldn't the golf cart folks get a P.I. and a ride home for the night
- or if they are really being an ass, a trip to the pokey to cool off til
the next morning? Has anyone ever been killed or maimed by a
drunken golf cart driver run amok?

Or perhaps do the police in Peachtree City have not quite enough
to do...