Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Icon

Ok, I totally ripped this off from some guy who's trying to pick me
up on I don't know if he ripped it off or wrote it so...
Right, anyway. Here it is:


OK, this one is TRUE!*

I have a friend who is a great beautician. She must have thought I
looked a little ragged, because she offered to give me a haircut this
weekend. I don't want anything free, so I stopped by the Thrift
Store a couple of nights ago and picked up a Flow Bee, the hair clip-
pers that fit on your vacuum. It was a little greasy, but for just two
bucks, I snatched that thing up. Pulled all those quarters out of my
pocket so fast that I think I've got whiplash.

Well, I've got one of those new industrial strength Oreck vacuums,
the kind that can pick up a bowling ball. To make a long story short,
I'm wearing a toboggan today, and it looks like I'll have to wear it for
at least a month. To make matters worse, I didn't want to get hair
all over my clothes, so I did it naked. That thing got away from me
and headed straight for my "private" area . I now have a perfect like-
ness of Mother Teresa down there.

I guess some idiot from the hospital told a few friends about it, be-
cause I had every dang TV station and newspaper in Alabama calling
me the next day. A free lunch sounded reasonable to me, so I let
NBC 13 News broadcast a live remote from the shop last night.

When I got to work this morning, there was a huge line of customers
lined up outside. Well, it turned out they're "pilgrims" here to see
Mother Teresa. I'm very busy, with house payment and payroll com-
ing up today. Well money is time, and as bad as I hate to, I'm going to
have to charge these folks for their ?viewing?. I just hope they don't
want to see her weeping tears of blood.

*She really is a great beautician.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Still Alive

Ok So... You've probably all heard of the Dead Pool list right? It's
a this list where people submit a list of 25 people they think or
hope will kick off during the next year and there's a pool of money
and he/she with the most names croaking by the end of the year
wins. So anyway.

I thought about joining, but I didn't have the heart to actually bet
on and then ROOT for people to die. I mean, given my own medi-
cal problems it even seemed a little bit like you know, bad karma.
So instead, I came up with a list of people who have reached a time
in their lives when they, like my dad, and perhaps even me, have
been around for awhile and should let people know that they are
still out there and lucky to be there for another bend around the
ol' twist in the New Year. Pssstt... You may feel that a couple of
'em don't really even deserve it, but as it's said...

"even the wicked get worse than they deserve." Willa Cather

Happy New Year EveryOne!

And Without Further Ado, The Still Alive List for 2006:

june allyson
bob barker
ingmar bergman
joey bishop 87
ernest borgnine
jack kervorkian
p.w. botha
ray bradbury
helen gurley brown
mel brooks
james brown
art buchwald
ross perot
red buttons
robert byrd
Frank Cady
Sid Caesar
kitty carlisle
pierre cardin
walter cronkite 89
yvonne decarlo 83
Doris Day 81
Olivia De Havilland 89
Dino De Laurentiis 88
Kirk Douglas 89
oan Fonaine 88
Betty Ford 87
Glenn Ford 88
John Forsythe 89
Milton Friedman 93
Zsa Zsa Gabor 86
John Glenn 84
Dody Goodman 90
Robert Goulet 72
Curt Gowdy 86
Billy Graham 87
Andy Griffith 79
Merv Griffin 80
Robert Guillaume 78
Alexander Haig 81
Monty Hall 82
Paul Harvey 87
Leona Helsley 85
Jesse Helms 84
Edmund Hillary 85
Lena Horne 89
Henry Kissinger 82
Jack Klugman 83
Deborah Kerr 84
B.B. King 80
Monte Irvin 86
Van Johnson 89
Frankie Lane 92
Charles Lane 100
Lyndon LaRouche 83
Art Linkletter 93
Norman Lear 83
Meadowlark Lemon 75
Claude Levi-Strauss 97
Herbert Lom 88
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi 94
Karl Malden 93
Nelson Mandela 87
George McGovern 83
Robert McNamara 89
Ricardo Montalban 85
Howard Metzenbaum 88
Stan Musial 85
Augusto Pinochet (Ugarte) 90
Oral Roberts 87
David Rockefeller 90
Andy Rooney 86
Liz Taylor
James Van Allen 90
Abigail Van Buren 87
Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 83
Kurt Waldheim 87
Eli Wallach 90
Miike Wallace 87
Joseph Wapner 86
Shelley Winters 85
John Wooden 95
Jane Wyatt 94
Jane Wyman 91
Alan Young

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I'm a 38 year old single mom from Alabama.
I would love to have world peace for Christmas. What? Not gonna
happen this year? Well then, I'll just move on.

If there is any way you could convince my dad that he REALLY
DOES need a hearing aid so that he'll quit yelling at all of the rest
of us who can, by the way, hear just fine - that would be swell.

My 17 year old son Dylan has been a pretty great kid so far. He's a
junior in high school and of course, I love him more than life itself.
I could never have hoped for a better child. I hope he keeps right
on staying on that "nice" rather than the "naughty" track, but God
knows I'd love him no matter what.

About the politicians... I hesitate to even go here Santa because I
don't know if all of the pixie dust and elf tricks at the North Pole
could fix what ails our political system. Maybe they should just join
hands and sing "Kumbaya" once around the big Christmas Tree at
the White House before we ring in the New Year. What do you

I think that's about it... oh wait. One more thing. I DO live in a
VERY small town Santa. And I'm umm... divorced. I know, but it
happens to the best of us sometimes. At any rate, there aren't many
unattached degreed professionals in these parts, so if you do see a
cute one, could you send him my way? Merry Christmas!


Thursday, December 22, 2005

My Temperment (Scary But True)

You Have a Choleric Temperament
You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.
You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.
At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

Your Relationship Quotient

Your Ideal Relationship is Polyamory
You want to have your cake... and everyone else's.Which isn't a bad thing, if everyone else gets to eat too!You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a traditional relationship.You think relationships should be open and free, with few restrictions.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Mo' Movie Schtuff

So today I watched, of course, more (what turned out to be B)
movies. One with Katie Holmes called Abandon. Absolutely
awful. And I like to find things to love about Katie Holmes films.
You know, Katie pre-cult cum mini-cruiser bearing vehicle. But
nothing doing with this one. Currently I'm watching Mercy. The
only good thing about this film is that you get to perv on Peta
Wilson. And you get to flirt with both lesbianism AND S&M
in the SAME film. Although truthfully, the S&M in this film is
far from erotic. The lesbianism is a little hot though.

The only thing better than that is the realization that Peta
looks hot in the film and she is very close to my age. Bad point -
the film was made in 1999. Good point - although Ellen Barkin,
who was formerly kind of a hottie, is looking distressingly a little
ummm... distressed, err... aged. I looked her up and she IS 13
years old than I am. Bad point - the film was made in 1999.
Right. That means I only have seven years to go until my first
face lift.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

My Dad is Better

But bitchy. Very very bitchy. He resides constantly in the land of
you should have done, you should do, why didn't you, you really
need to, etc. I apparently have done NOTHING right in the past
38 years and I am in no danger of accidently fucking up and pul-
ling off a correct decision anytime in the near future.

However. This is all good. It means that my father is entirely
back to normal. I mean, save for that 18" incision across his lower
abdomen. That's gotta suck. I KNOW it still hurts. The doctor
sent him home with EXACTLY 30 painkillers, and those were on-
ly lortab 50o's. And of course, being my dad, he was not about to
ask for more. And he forbid me to do it for him. So anyway. Fine
then. Suffer. Whatever. Uggh!

But at least he's ok. I wanted to give everyone that update. And
I wanted to thank all of you for your support and encouragement.
Quite honestly, I didn't think he would make it through this one
so I am unbelievably grateful.

And there you have it.

I Wonder

How Tom Cruise and the Spawn carrying vehicle formerly known
as Katie Holmes are doing? All has been soooo quiet on the Wes-
tern front of late. No more late night sofa switches on the sets of
any talk shows due to busted metal springs or anything?

Do you suppose she'll "get" to have any sort of career after she
delivers mini-cruiser? I mean, as long as she agrees not to take
any roles which might be viewed as less than wholesome and
seemly for The wife of THE TOM C. You know, nothing where
her character says... drinks, smokes - does drugs...

And speaking of drugs, I hope that natural childbirth thing works
out for her. If any guy tried to make me go through childbirth
without an epidural he'd damn well better stay out of the room
while it was happening because I'd probably kill somebody and
I'm sure I'd know where to "focus" my anger if you get my drift.
He'd be fucking BEGGING me to take the drugs before I was done
with his ass.

Poor Katie. You sold your soul so young. RIP

Sunday Is...

Officially known as weird movie day at our house. Ok, that's not
entirely true. The weekends in general are good for trying to
cram in as many films of as many different varieties and varying
quality as possible. Actually, the variable quality isn't a prerequi-
site, it just seems to kind of come with the territory.

So anyway, this morning's movie is a particularly pedestrian and
well... just basically LAME attempt at a suspense/horror flick
called: Octane. It shoulda been good. It has Madeleine Stowe in

Death of A Genius

And a Groundbreaker. Way ahead of of his time
and gone way too soon.

Richard Pryor - Rest in Peace...

Thursday, December 08, 2005

He's Always...


Eat your heart out Bill O!

Hey There

I'm alive. I've just been under the weather and a little too tired to
post lately. Will get back to everyone soon.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I Am SO Pissed!

LOL Gee Coincutter, Thanks a lot for posting LiberallikeJesus's
big new publication's website online before all of us in his little
circle got to SEE the damn thing!

Now I am locked out from viewing it because the freakin' web-
site has gotten so many hits it has exceeded its bandwidth!

So here's to you and what I am ABSOLUTELY certain is a contro-
versial an interesting work Lib, and hopefully I'll get to see the
thing sometime. You know, maybe like at 3am.

And if the rest of you yahoos think I'm posting the website be-
fore I actually get to view it, thus increasing its popularity
and making it even MORE difficult for me to see, then you had
better think again!

My Doctors Are Fond

of telling me that my body does not work like most people's. It
puzzles them. Which is a really not very confident inspiring
thing for a physician to say to you. You know, anything about
being, say, puzzled, or less than utterly certain. They should
just keep that shit to themselves.

So my body always runs at 97.3. But like, I don't think that this
is THAT unusual. My dad is like that too. So I tend to think of
it as HEREDITARY. Of course, so is Alzheimers. But anyway.
I don't think your body temperature is nearly as serious. I al-
ways wonder if I could drop down MORE or LESS than most
people before getting hypothermia. You know, like if I fell in an
ice covered lake or something.

And I rarely EVER get fevers. So for me, its weird to run a fever
of even 99 degrees. So yesterday morning, even though I was on
Cipro for the staph thingie, I get up and I feel a bit warm. Umm,
that's the other thing, instead of shivering when I get a fever? I
feel hot. I get cold and shiver when it goes down again. I know.

So anyway, I go to the doctor. But my temp is only like 99. But
still, they don't like it cuz its first thing in the morning and my
temp always runs low and whatever, oh yeah, not whatever, but
the whole STAPH thing, so they give me a shot of rocifen or how-
ever you spell it, in the ass, which HURTS by the way. And then
I still have a fever last night and now my lymph nodes are all

So I get up this MORNING and NOW my lymph nodes are still
swollen so I'm on Cipro and I go back in and now my temp is 100
and I get another shot on the OTHER side of my ass of the ro-
whatever (just so it will hurt equally badly to sit down on both ass
cheeks) umm... except for cindy told me to tell them to mix it with
xylophones or lidocaine or something so it didn't hurt quite as bad
and now I can play the scale out of my asshole.

Anyway, so they once again pried some blood out of me, and I feel
like shit. But my dad is not hurting as bad. So that's good. And
THERE you have it.

oh p.s. whenever I have a fever I get really delusional like? So I
watched this University of Tx/Nebraska game last night and I
was all excited because you know, the Longhorns won? And I
mean, what if they hadn't? And then I got to work this morning
after the shot and stuff and somebody said, you idiot, U.T. didn't
even play last night, that was a fucking re-run on ESPN classics
or something...