Sometimes I Just Can't Help Myself

Anyway, you know what they say,
sharing is caring.
Apparently, this gentleman felt
much the same... (shrug)

The Nebraska Man
and
His "Big Bonnet"

I'm Asking for Full Disclosure Here

And I realize that it might be somewhat uncomfortable.
So to get you going. Err... started, I'm posting the
following video:



This is mostly directed at the guys, but girls can play
too certainly. How many of you will confess, even if
only anonymously, to having had some type of sexual en-
counter with an inanimate object not built for that pur-
pose?

To be completely candid, I was once a bit taken with the
water tower in my home town. Nothing ever came of it
though, the mechanics of it being a little tricky...

I REALIZE

That the Dutch are famous for their live sex shows
and things of that nature. (For enough money, you
can get that in Boystown [in Nuevo Laredo], or New
Orleans too... Just sayin')

But they've sunk to an all-time low now. And I'm
not really blaming the Dutch. Just a certain
group of broadcasters. Who have come out with a
new reality series. I'm not joking with this.

WHO GETS THE KIDNEY

That's right. You, the viewer, gets to decide
whether Bob, Sally or Mary gets to go home with a
brand new organ or spend the rest of their misera-
bly short lives on dialysis.

How's that for entertaining the masses? Why are
we bothering with this drivel anyway? Aren't there
any Roman Colisseums free where we can just cut to
the really good stuff? You know, lions and tigers
mauling people to death, gladiators killing each
other for sport on live t.v.?

I have a question. Is the medical association so
loose in Holland that you can just bid an organ in
this manner and medical ethics there so lax that a
doctor would be willing to risk his license in this
manner?

Even in India where the sale of organs occurs daily,
doctors at LEAST make a show of not participating
in the practice by having the donors pretend to be
relatives of the recipients. So how is this getting
through the medical board?

Powered by AOL Video

Oh Yes

The little Vids at the Bottom?

I'm just randomly changing out vids
with new vids I find amusing/interesting
annoying or whatever. I chose this vid
for a VARIETY of reasons. I am going to
list them in no particular order and be-
fore I get the hate mail, remember, I
never CLAIMED to be nice, nor did I say
I claim not to be an asshole.

1) I like Big Love a LOT
2) a WHOLE Lot.
3) I was wondering if ABC News would have
run the story if Ms. Nicholson had been less
say... attractive? Viewer appealing?
4) How far does that left tit have to stick
out of her shirt anyways, geez already, ABC!
5) This leads me to a further question. Has
Ms. Nicholson so embraced secular society
that she's gone in for a boob job? Cuz I'm
sorry, but if those are real I'll eat my...
I dunno, send in suggestions.
6) 'Course, I don't really care one way or
the other vis a vis the boob job/showing of
cleavage on national tv - just sayin'

The End of The Story...

Well, a lot happened in that story and most of it is
either too boring or too obscene to write about. Suf-
fice it to say that I have learned a lot about junkies
in the past month or two. I believe I have earned an
honorary Phd. I used to worry sometimes, you know, on
account of the little painkiller dudads I have to take
from time to time for my migraines and such, that per-
haps I myself was a junkie. A scrip junkie I think
they call it.

But nah...

I feel totally better about myself now. Because I've
been spending some time hanging out with some real junk-
ies. Stupidly, I've even tried to help two or three
get clean - While they cleaned me out.

So helpfully, I've developed some criteria whereby the
weary traveler can measure himself and come to some con-
clusion about his or her status.
9475096

A Junkie Has no Soul
She sold it, along with a blow job,
for two dilaudids and a nickel bag.

And She would kick you in the head right
now for the chance to do it again.

A Junkie can pretend to care about you while
he's robbing you blind.

A junkie can rape you in your sleep and con-
vince himself that it was just because he
"loved you so much."

A Junkie can take the pain pills from cancer
patients and not even think twice.

A Junkie is always selfish.

And already very small.



And to borrow a line from a songwriter friend of
mine in Austin, sorry Dave, but your last name
escapes me at the moment, I'll post it later when
I retrieve it:

"I see my life in the bottom of a spoon..."
very small

Reality Continued...

In the Morning. The rest of the story will follow
when I've had some sleep.

Reality Continued Part Four

So at the point the Junkie Housekeeper starts to look a
little junked up she also stays home and stops answering
her phone. Wait, did I say her phone? No, I meant MY PHONE.
Right, because it is, after all, my phone that she is using.
Now it would be weird for her to be junked up because every-
thing I've paid her so far I have paid straight to her bills
and not to her, for exactly the reason that I did not want it
to be shot straight up her arm in the form of meth while she
was working for me. So... how would she get the money for
meth. I decided to have the new wannabe boyfriend tile guy
to take me to check-up on the junkie housekeeper and bring her
butt back to work.

So we go over to her house and I walk in on her and damned if
she isn't sitting at her table with a needle jammed up her arm
in the company of some known junk dealers with a needle that
looks very much like the brand needle I use to administer pro-
crit jammed up her arm (*note to self, throw out all syringes
in the house and buy new ones before next procrit purchase just
in case). By candlelight mind you. Remember, she doesn't have
electricity. So I take a candle and ask to use her bathroom.
I'm in there one hell of a long time. People start asking after
me. I tell them I'm ill, to leave me along. Hey, it takes a
LONG time to search someone's closet for all of your shit by
candlelight. Especially when you only have one candle and wax
is dripping down your arm. Because I know that meth wasn't free
and she has to be hawking my stuff for it.

I find a designer skirt of mine right off the bat. And tons of
office supplies. I call her in there to confront her privately
by telling her I need help. Nicely though, there are a lot of
dealers in the living room. One of them wants to take her with
them but I insist she is coming with me, propel her into the car,
and we leave. Me, her, and the wannabe bf tiler guy with the
weird propensity for giving jewelry to people he has just met.

She yells, screams and curses the entire way about how she had
to wear the skirt home one night because she got something on her
pants and about how I had left the office supplies in an old brief-
case I gave her. She was high so I didn't even bother arguing that
clearly a girl who weighs almost 300 lbs would hardly be able to
fit her ass into my skirt, that she is so heavy she broke my scale
this past week causing at first jubilation and then annoyance when
I realized that no, I did not actually lose down to 110 overnight,
and causing my son at first horror, and then relief that no, he did
not actually lose down to 120 overnight.

to be continued

Reality Continued Part 3

Things went swell the first day or two and the house
was really coming along. Order from chaos (err... ok
fine, squalor. shut up already). Then the weirdness
started to occur. The junkie housekeeper started get-
ting picked up to go home at night by her various
people and she started doing this when I was asleep.
And she started looking a little, well, junkie. Or
junked up, more to the point.

Now. During this time, which was a space of really
only five or so days, I mentioned that also before
next Wednesday (yes, THIS NEXT Wednesday), Dylan and I
needed to paint and hand-install tile in his bedroom.

She had just met, but did not know all that well, this
guy who might be interested in the job. I agreed to
give him a whirl since he wasn't a good friend of hers.
(i.e. might not be a drug addict - although, many of
her friends aren't drug addicts. They run the gamut.)

So... the guy had an amazing breadth of knowledge on
tile and finishing work. He wasn't just talking shit,
he really knew his stuff. Also though, he seemed to
be very attracted to me which I didn't necessarily want
to encourage at that point although he wasn't all that
bad looking, but hey, I didn't really know the guy and
I wanted to get the work on my house done much more than
I wanted to any work done on... well, you get the point.

Plus, the junkie housekeeper seemed like she might have
little crush on him, and I didn't want to fuck things
with her up while I really needed her to clean.

Yeah, I'm a hopeless romantic you can tell.

So things get a little weird when the second or third day
the guy knows me he gives me a couple of moderately priced
(not really that expensive) diamond rings he happens to
have hanging around from other relationships and makes me
promise to consider going out with him after the remodeling.

Ok. I mean, guys are one thing, but I NEVER turn down jewel-
ry from anyone. It's something I live by. What do they call
those things? A creed or something? Nah, that's not it. Oh
I know. Vanity.

to be continued

Reality Continued Part 2

Right. So. Against everyone's better judgement, includ-
ing my own, which I summarily suspended, I called "the
people who know" the junkie housekeeper, because after
three months out of my employ I found that in addition
to no electricity and no running water, she also had no
phone.

So. Needless to say, junkie housemaid was thrilled to
be of service and I was crossing my fingers and hoping
for the best as well because I have family coming into
town Wednesday and as my mother keeps phoning to tell
me, THAT HOUSE BETTER BE PERFECT OR the rest of the
family will find out via other family members not men-
tioned in this blog and the entire family will go down
into the pits of hell in bad housekeeping infamy.

Never a good thing.

On the first day I had junkie housekeeper back in my em-
ploy I got an additional cell phone for her to use so
that I could keep in touch with her ass. At any rate,
when she works for me, its fairly customary for her to
work a lot of hours (she needs the money, obviously)
around the clock, sleep in the extra room, then get up
and keep working. She has though, a rather vexing habit,
which I typically ignore, of calling it "her room" and be-
rather more than a little territorial about it. A little
odd, but whatever. Or so I've thought. Or really, you
know, hadn't put much thought into the subject at all.

to be continued

Any Reality Show Investors Out There?

Because I'm telling you right now, I could support an
entire show on my own. I Promise.

On Thursday I found out which one of my designer blouses
most perfectly shows off my new set of, my new... the girls.

What's more interesting is how that came about. For some
reason, call it temporary insanity, desperation, whatever,
I decided to let the junkie housekeeper take another run at
cleaning the house. It was in preparation for Dylan's up-
coming graduation from high school next Friday.

I asked my friend Valerie (who used to be the junkie house-
keeper's supervisor before our poultry plant fired her after
she robbed my house and stole my car) do you think things
could possibly really fuck up that badly if I let Jenny clean
for a few days if I was there all the time?

Valerie said, "Well, if you watched her really closely and
made sure she wasn't on meth, and paid her by the day I think
it might be ok..." Did I mention the part where I was des-
perate? Also, the fact that the junkie housekeeper has this
canny and supernatural ability to clean and organize such that
no other mortal has ever exhibited? Just sayin' It's not like
I was COMPLETELY insane, I did have my reasons...

Dylan, of course, being more of much more sound mind was against
bringing her back from the start. Would that I had listened to
the child.

to be continued

General Annoyance & Disgust

So. I am STILL on AOL. Yes, since 1997 when I first
became an online user. And I am here to tell you that
although I PAY for my account vis a vis a $14.95 monthly
piggyback fee that allows me a small break for using my
charter account as my main vehicle for accessing the in-
ternet and then piggybacking my AOL onto it, I should
not be paying for the current level of service provided
by AOL. Which would be, umm... None.

AOL has changed since they began offering their free ac-
counts to anyone and everyone. The service has changed.
It takes forever to resolve issues with them because they
simply no longer have the trained staffing that they used
to have. Or at least, that's my theory on why they are
doing such a terrible job.

Point in case: On April 16th, shortly after the VA TECH
shootings, I was posting on AOL's Message boards. Actually,
I was giving news updates for students who might still be
stuck in their rooms unable to leave. I figured some of
them may not have cable, but they all have computer modems,
and the campus probably has a wifi system.

People were as nasty as the people on AOL boards tend to be,
but pretty soon I noticed that others began to re: my posts
just to make sure students saw them amid the other hate-
filled posts which really weren't contributing very helpfully
to the situation. AOL's own reporting on the situation was
far behind the tv and radio news, so I hoped that students
who might be accessing message boards to get news would bene-
fit from the updates.

Let me just say that whenever I visit AOL message boards, ty-
pically not that often if I can help it, I become ever more
aware that we have become a nation of idiots. People were
griping about not getting the names of the dead fast enough
from the media. I posted in response that particularly as
VA TECH is a TECH SCHOOL, they were likely to have a fair
share of students on VISAS from other countries, making noti-
fication of family members more difficult and time-consuming
and that it would be irresponsible to start naming names only
to have a family find out about their loved one's demise on
the news instead of via proper notification.

Then a particularly nasty phenomenon, which I see often on
the message boards, began to reveal - posts which just basi-
cally slammed other races. There were apparent African-Amer-
icans rejoicing that it was "about time," that white students
became the victims of crime and virtually celebrating the
shooter's actions. Then there were counter bulletin board mes-
sages shouting racist epitaths and extremely hurtful things
against blacks (never-mind the fact that frequently AOL users
make up an "identity" and post under a false identity just to
incite such message board nastiness.) In other words, assuming
from a profile that the poster really is black just because
that poster SAYS he or she is African American is definitely
not a sure way to know what the facts are behind that poster's
demographic.

We've long heard about men who post pretending to be women (and
possibly vice-versa), but people seldom pause to think that
this is not the ONLY false demographic used online. Race, age
and others frequently figure in, particularly when posters wish
to portray someone of a different race from themselves in a ne-
gative light.

However, many message board posters are far to short-sighted
and basically, well, just too stupid understand that this oc-
curs. Apparently. And they get all torqued up by the posts.

So. What I saw to be a very dangerous situation soon unfolded.
A few posters, claiming to be black, vilified the VA TECH stu-
dents with messages about how happy said posters were that they
had been shot. This incited quite a little online riot, during
which I was alarmed to see that one poster, angered over this,
had gone onto another's poster's profile to get their real name,
which was apparently present on the profile. This poster then
accessed the EXACT PHYSICAL ADDRESS of this poster and published
it ONLINE, on the message board, apparently hoping that someone
would take physical revenge on the poster due to what that per-
son had said.

I was unable to ascertain WHICH of the "purported African Amer-
ican posters" this person was targeting as they did not list
the screenname with their post and several people had made dero-
gatory comments.

But it worried me, to see an actual address posted. Here is
that post:

Title of the post:
ok the address of one of the...
Mark Thread Read

#1 - 4/16/07 07:45 PM (Msg Id: 569889:9518)

by: "membernamedeletedbyme" to protect the moron"

Overall Rating:
by 1 raters

xxx xxx blvd apt x
xxx,la zipcode removed
someone has to be near him... a police car already
sits in the driveway !!!!!

Mark Message Unread | Notify AOL
Reply to Message

end of post

Note that the address was not blinded as I have done
but references an ACTUAL address in Jefferson Parish
Louisiana, down to the apartment number and basically
the post suggested that someone take a little trip
over to the address. I didn't think the poster was
hoping for a tupperware party, but rather that he was
suggesting (yes, I am assuming a "he," so sue me) that
some other AOL user nearby harm the poster he had tar-
geted.

So I responded to the post that posting someone's infor-
mation was dangerous and should not be done, etc., and
that anyone acting on said information would be culpable
as well as the original poster giving the info. (Don't
any of these people watch Law & Order!? Geez.)

Then I instant messaged the poster hoping he had just
made up the address. Here is THAT IM:

Begin IM - 4/16/2007 07:10 PM
Syd Whoever [7:10 P.M.]: hey
Syd Whoever [7:10 P.M.]: is that really the address
of someone on the board?
Hopelessmoron [7:11 P.M.]: yes it is
Syd Whoever [7:11 P.M.]: hold old are you
Hopelessmoron [7:11 P.M.]: thats what it is
Hopelessmoron [7:11 P.M.]: y
Syd Whoever [7:11 P.M.]: Because I want to give you
the WHAT WERE YOU THINKING speech
Hopelessmoron [7:12 P.M.]: go ahead
Syd Whoever [7:12 P.M.]: and i am hoping that you
are just too young and stupid to think about the pos-
sible eventualities from doing that
Hopelessmoron [7:12 P.M.]: what?
Hopelessmoron [7:12 P.M.]: hopefully what they
deserve
Hopelessmoron [7:12 P.M.]: maybe a bullet in their
head?
Syd Whoever [7:13 P.M.]: To be killed for something
they said on a message board?
Syd Whoever [7:13 P.M.]: That's why you posted that?
Hopelessmoron [7:13 P.M.]: fuck off!!!!
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: See where I'm going with
this. Now I am hoping you were just too young and
stupid to think about that.
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: Also. What if you really
did think that.
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: What if a police officer
gets killed responding to it.
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: Did you think about THAT.
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: OR a passer by.
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: Or a neighbor.
Syd Whoever [7:16 P.M.]: As the original poster,
they would put you in jail
Syd Whoever [7:16 P.M.]: as culpable for inciting
the entire thing.
Hopelessmoron signed off at 7:18 P.M.

Ok. so EXPLICITLY NOW this guy is telling me he posted
the address in the hope that this person would "get a
bullet in the head." Nice.

But here's the bad part. Right, you thought that was
the bad part but NOOOOOOOOOOO...

So I contact AOL's Community Action Team online. Wait.
FIRST, I hit the notify AOL button on the post. Because
obviously, they needed to remove that post with the addy
ASAP before some angry poster living nearby really did
decide to dispense what they saw as justice.

Nothing happened. The post was not removed. So THEN I
went online to AOL's community action team. They ASSURED
me they would handle it. I was not assured. I demanded
a phone number for AOL's CAT. Which I received. And I
called it in. Then I said that I wanted to email them
the IM as well as the post just to ensure the safety of
the targeted poster. I was given an email addy for a Sup-
ervisor working for AOL's CAT.

As of today, that supervisor has yet to even open my email.

THAT'S RIGHT.

As far as I know, the address is still up and available.
The user posting it remains an active account with AOL, so
it would appear that no action has been taken to help this
user targeted on AOL boards.

On the night of the 16th, I did call Jefferson Parish, LA
to report this and to request notification of the user that
his or her address was online and to report the safety issue.
The response was less than enthusiastic and I was not, and am
not, at all certain they even notified that individual of the
potential danger. In fact, the dispatcher told me I should
contact the FBI instead of the Sherriff's Department there.
I asked if she really wanted to put the safety of this person
in the hands of an agency who would probably not look at the
report right away? She reluctantly agreed to take a report
and to see about perhaps notifying this individual. You know,
if a deputy had time, and IF the person happened to be home
when they went by. I left my number and have received nothing
by the way of a response. I don't know if they did anything
at all.

Now, one would think that in light of the recent deaths at
VA TECH AOL would be pretty enthused about the possibility
of averting more tragedy. Apparently not.

So this morning, I did the only thing I could think of to
make sure this person is safe. I emailed everything to CNN,
MSNBC and the FBI.

And I'm still not very... optimistic.

I Have NEWS

For all those concerned about the amount of:
Drinking & Debauchery
on local campuses in the wake of the Duke case. Or rather,
the NON-case. As a certain verse in Proverbs goes --
"There is nothing new under the sun." And there's nothing
new on college campuses either. I went to college, well,
quite some time ago and I'm amazed I didn't manage com-
plete ablation of my hepatic system during those years.

And of those calling for a lower profile for college athletes,
or for finding that their influence is somehow more immoral,
drunken or depraved than the rest, I don't think so.

I hung out with all groups in college, chameleon that I am,
finally settling for the alternative crowd. The Greeks were
too straight-laced, and many of the jocks were too stupid,
but I went to all of their parties and certainly, they were
proportionally represented at the clubs every night.

And every night WAS party night in college, even then.
And a good many participated in binge drinking and drugs
of all variety. Our favorite hometown haunt was this
place named "Strutz." Sundays and Mondays were the only
nights it seemed relatively quiet. Tuesdays were Ladies
Night, Wednesdays were - I don't remember, something -
Thursdays were All You Can Drink, Friday's were TGIF,
Saturdays were just plain, Hey, we're all paying to get
drunk.

I didn't attend a public high school, but rather, a small
very quiet and sheltered religious school. From which
I matriculated with all possible haste at the age of sixteen
or so. Nobody drank there. Or did drugs of any type.
I wanted to get that clean living experience behind me
as quickly as possible. The first time I got drunk I was
sixteen. I did it on purpose. I'd never been drunk before.
Always the researcher.

I'd had a glass of wine here and there at Thanksgiving -
we weren't Baptists after all - but nobody in my family
(at least not the one I was raised in) has ever had any
issues with alcohol, nobody smokes, etc. - and alcohol
really wasn't a very prominent fixture around my house
when I was growing up. There wasn't really a judgement
passed on it either way.

So I wanted to see what it was be drunk. I knew on an
intellectual level, of course, but I wanted to experience it
for myself. I had six dollars.

An older girlfriend of mine bought me a bottle of the
cheapest, lousiest bourbon you will ever find. I drank it
with Coke. Quickly. On an empty stomach. I drank
six shots in thirty minutes. Then I spent the next thirty
puking them back up again. Hadn't counted on that.
Then I passed out. That was fun.

While working on my undergraduate, I did succeed in
building up quite a prodigious tolerance during my atten-
dance, what with all the clubs and parties and spring
breaks over the next two or three years. Which I lost,
of course, upon becoming pregnant with my son. I've
never gotten that amazing tolerance back again because
I just don't drink very much except when I'm out socially
or on business, and even then I can only have a couple of
drinks because my tolerance IS so lousy now. So I suppose
you do tend to follow your parents patterns for the most
part in terms of habit and diet and the like.

But. I do not see that there could POSSIBLY be an in-
crease over the amount of drugs and alcohol present on
campuses when I was an undergraduate and the amount
present now. People just like to talk about cleaning it up
every few years. What I really WONDER is where the
parents are when those college students are in high school.

My son knows one other student in his grade who does not
either smoke, drink or do drugs. ONE.

And she's the daughter of a police officer who was amazed
to pull my son over one night for a field sobriety test at 3am
after a party only to have him request a breathalizer instead.
He blew what may be a record 0.0. Last night, he took that
girl to the Senior Prom - They were beautiful.

Updated Rules to The Boys Club

I watched with much bemusement, note that I said "be-
musement," and not, "amusement," the entire Imus/Rut-
gers controversy play out this pay week. There is a huge
problem here. Some of the men in the U.S. have forgotten
to update their "Rules to the Boys Club." And that, my
friend, is a fatal mistake. And one:

That Don Imus learned Very Painfully

Not that he hasn't had some practice. He's been slapped
on the wrist before. Warning Signs. He should have paid
attention. So all of you are wondering. Are there REALLY
a set of UPDATES to the clubhouse rules? Yes. Yes. There
ARE. So many of you seem to have forgotten them though
so I'm offering a refresher course.

1. Referring in a derisive fashion to the race, or sexual orien-
tation of anyone who is not white or who does not wear a
chastity belt to cover their anus will destroy your career
forever. And ever. And ever. And ever.

a. Unless you're a rapper. In which case, you already have
your own rules which I can scarcely begin to decode. Some-
thing about affectionately putting down other people you
should be building up... Whatever. Also, its commonly ac-
cepted that members of one race can refer to other members
of their race in a derogatory fashion for purposes of humor
(and sometimes this is quite humorous i.e. George Lopez,
Eddie Murphyc) or for any other reason so desired. Do not
try to be cool and mimic this if you are white.

You are not cool. You will never be funny. And you
will probably get your ass beat and lose your career.

b. black rappers perpetuate the idea that black women like to
be referred to as "ho's," and other terms which I will not go in-
to here. If you are some race other than black, do not try to
use these terms just because you have seen black women buy
these cd's. Refer to the last two lines in a. for the consequences
of such behavior.

c. There is that old adage, "No publicity is bad publicity except
for a live boy or a dead girl." Wealthy or famous members of
the boys club will be happy to know that DESPITE what is seen
as the progression of women's rights in the United States, you
can still get away with killing one if you are famous enough or
if you have enough money. Curiously, many rich and celebrity
defendents have been found guilty of raping women (think Mike
Tyson, and Max Factor heir Andrew Luster). Might as well kill
'em I guess, that seems to be a sure thing.

Incidentally, minority members of the Boys Club will be happy
to know that minority member status in the Boys Club in no way
detracts from the Rich and Celebrity aspect of this truth. That's
right. Money and Fame trump race.

*I forgot to mention. No matter how rich and famous you are.
You cannot kill little boys after molesting them. Hello! They're
boys. That is, smaller men. With all of the value our society
placed on men. You know, TWICE AS MUCH as women? So
although you can probably stay out of jail for a little molestation,
you're going to get the death penalty for molesting and killing a
little boy. It would seem that the same holds true for little girls,
although... there does seem to be a history of leniency in molesta-
tion cases as long as they aren't, you know, "harmed."

d. When running for Gubenatorial office, it really isn't ok any-
more to make homey jokes to the press that compare the weath-
er to rape. Even in Texas.
Bad weather's like rape, "as long as it's inevitable, you might as
well lie back and enjoy it." Clayton Williams -- from the 1990
Texas Gubenatorial Race.

Now some say that the real moment he lost that race is not that
quote, although it didn't help him out any, but when he refused
to shake Ann Richard's hand during one of their political debates
while running for office.

*Note to Boy's Club members. People will forgive you for visit-
ing the "Chicken Ranch," An old-time brothel in LaGrange - re-
ortedly a past favorite haunt of Claytie's, but people will never
forgive you for failing to be a gentleman. The public hates a cad.
We want our men to look like heros. We really don't care if they
measure up. It's all about perception. And anyway, boys will be
boys. Yes, America does really still believe in that one.

sighing - Clayton is a cousin of some sorts to me. And that should
come as no surprise to anyone.

e. It is ok to have affairs. I know. You're shocked! Here's the deal.
They call them MISTRESSES! They have to be well aware of their
role from the get-go. Also, you have to pay. You have to make them
most comfortable. ESPECIALLY, after you are through with them.
And, to cancel all risk to yourself, you have to pass them along to
someone superior to yourself when you are through dallying.
Yes, generally there are people seen as superior to you. If you don't
know who they are, just ask a few female friends.

Doing this will allow your mistress to avoid that time period of grieving
where ordinarily she might plot your utter demise. Actually, this is
best done without her knowledge. Let me restate that. Women are
smarter than you. Without her implicit knowledge. Invite the super-
ior friend over for sailing or pool or whatever it is that your boys club
does, with the Mistress, and let her think she's discovered him. Trust
me, if your other female friends think he's superior, so will she.

Yes, this takes some humility on your part, but the girl who was once
your Mistress probably won't remember your name next week, and
therefore you have "passed on the risk." Actually, this works with
girlfriends also when you don't want a messy breakup. So to recap,
Trading a girl up because you aren't good enough for her is always a
good way to move on. Now the girl is grateful to you, won't remember
your name next week and the next gentleman has adopted the risk.

ummm... a piece of advice. Think about your position in the world
and whether "trading up" is really an option for you. If you are the
busboy at the local diner, it will be easy. For Bill Clinton it certainly
wasn't.

More next time...

Make My Day

Did you know?

That Clint Eastwood ran for mayor of of Carmel California ?
I know. You already knew that. So did I. Everyone knows
that. He was sworn into office in 1986. Ok, so those of you
born after 1986 may not have known that. Or those you who
were toddling around in diapers in 1986, but anyway.

I'll bet you didn't know this though. He made some rather
large changes during his tenure in Carmel. Not the least of
which, in my estimation, was to repeal the law that says (or
said) that you can't eat ice cream on the sidewalk. You have
to wonder what kind of nazi would pass that law in the first
place. Maybe it was passed back in the days when all of the
women wore those long ground sweeping skirts, and they
didn't want to have to drag them through puddles of melted
mint chocolate chip...

It's kind of like the modern day equivalent of "no skateboards
on the sidewalk." The latest spoiler of children's fun.

Good One

Those who know me well know that I am nothing if not
even-handed. So I must give props to the shrubster
(or his writers), whomever, for the following quotes.
I have been having no small amount of fun with my
little GW Bush Quote re-generator. So many mala-
propisms, so little time...

However, the following two quotes represent perhaps
the only two times that I find that Bush said something
that I find to be genuinely laugh out loud funny, some-
times even at his own expense. That is to say, he said
something clever. Twice.

Oh sure, it was four years years apart and the man
is the leader of the greatest civilized country in the
world, but what do you want from him anyway?
Don't answer that. I don't have enough space in my
comment section. It was merely rhetorical in nature.

With no further ado:

I always jest to people, the Oval Office is the kind of
place where people stand outside, they're getting ready
to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and
get overwhelmed in the atmosphere, and they say, man,
you're looking pretty.

--George w. Bush Washington, DC11/04/2004

now obviously, GW heard this somewhere, or it was
written for him. It doesn't fit his pattern of speech.
But it's funny as hell. And even more than that, oh so
true. And after having already spent four years in
office, Bush must have also seen this phenomenon
first-hand many many times.
------------------------------------
"We just had some really good news out of Yugoslavia.
I'm especially pleased that Mr. Milosevic has stepped
down. That's one less Polyslavic name for me to remem-
ber."
- George W. Bush October 19, 2000 Speaking at the
Al Smith Dinner in New York.

This one is great on several levels. First, Bush got
creamed during his first campaign, and rightly so, for
his gross lack of knowledge about foreign affairs. So
poking fun at himself in this rather good natured way
is both funny and shows good humor and good sports-
manship. Also, it lightens the mood and really zings
Milosevic, refusing to give him ANY importance at
all, and essentially, buffooning and poking fun at him.
Which befits someone responsible for such genocide.

Milosevic definitely should not have been given any
serious respect upon stepping down. His stepping
down was merely a nicety. Like being asked if you
want to tun in your resignation when you're really
being fired. That is, if after your firing, you are go-
ing to be imprisoned, tried for war crimes, and ex-
ecuted (if your chronic illness doesn't getcha first).
cide.

So good on Bush for that quote as well. And...
This may be about the most positive thing you ever
hear me say about the Shrubster.

This Is Definitely Not a Good Example

of one hand washing the other. Yes,
I'm aware that's a pejorative saying.
In fact,
The Right Hand & The Left Hand,

They are still found on the same
body right?

I'll have to finish this one later be-
cause I just don't have time to fully
respond to this ludicrous situation
right now.

News From Russia

So I'm just wonderin'
You know, as I often will.
Wonder about things I mean.
Just HOW stupid you would have to be
to READ this news story and not know
that one of these two women worked for
the CIA? I mean, as they say on Seinfeld,
"Not That There's Anything Wrong
With That..."

I Am Totally

With the whole wanting a baby thing. I dont know why. Its all I
can do not to go up and snatch my sister's kid. I mean, he's fam-
ily. He even has some of my dna. I even feel a little entitled.
I'm sure she and her husband and the other grands would have
a little something to say about that though. ;)

So. Unless I can convince someone to be a surrogate with the eggs
I have left, I've been thinking about signing up as a foster-adopt.
It seems like Dylan and I take people in anyway, we might as well
do it a more formal manner. Its not as though I don't know my
way around that system, its what I did for a living for ten years.

It's A Sickness Really

This posting of one's relatives online. I'm going to ask the

doctor if they have a patch or something out for it soon.

I promise.

SQUISHY FACE

Yes. THIS is the photo that will haunt him for the

REST of his life. His aunt will make certain of that

one. My nephew Roan. That is one GREAT photo!

My sister Michael below.

I Can't Help Myself

"They're seeking chemical, biological, and nucular weapons."
- George W. Bush November 6, 2001 Speaking from the White
House via satellite to Central European leaders gathered in
Warsaw, the President is referring to the goals of the Al-Qaida
terrorist group. Aired on ABC Evening News.


"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is im-
portant. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children
living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."
- George W. Bush October 24, 2000 From speech delivered
in Arlington Heights, Illinois.

"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is
sometimes until we get an objective analysis."
- George W. Bush April 15, 2000 Comment made on
NBC's Meet the Press.

"I did denounce it. I de --- I denounced it. I denounced the
interracial dating. I denounced anti-Catholic bigacy --- bigotry."
- George W. Bush February 25, 2000 The candidate responding
to criticism that he visited Bob Jones University.

"You saw the president yesterday. I thought he was very forward-
leaning, as they say in diplomatic nuanced circles."
- George W. Bush July 23, 2001 Referring to his meeting with
President Vladimir Putin of Russia.

I Just Noticed...

They all have such long necks.
I never had a chance.






Fuck you. I'm allowed to be oblique.
It IS my name after all.

I Am So Weirded Out

Over these news stories about expensive dinners. So what if Kanye
West eats $3900 worth of Curry? I am actually surprised you can
fly Curry in from Wales for $3900 to tell you the truth. I would
have charged one hell of a lot more to go to all of that trouble. But
then again, I'd look a lot better carrying the Curry.

Seriously though. Are there really so few people in the U.S. who
have blown a lot on dinner and some wine? Let me rephrase. Are
there seriously so few people in the U.S. who have gotten some guy
to blow that much on dinner and some wine? I KNOW I am not
THAT privileged. There are some people in Beverly Hills scarfing
down some awfully good food every night and washing it down with
some overpriced bottles of Opus One.

Back to the Opus One, did you know that a blonde with big tits can
actually present a receipt for 12 bottles of wine that says they cost
$212 and are a gift from her boss at the Canadian border and pay
substantially less tax even though it turns out that perhaps the bot-
tles really ARE Opus One and the like? Nobody notices. Then again,
I'm not a blonde. And the Canadians are probably way too smart
for that. Just sayin'

I Think The Time Has Come

For me to tell all of you something. Nicolette Sheridan is in
Desperate Need. Get it? Desperate? Ha! I amuse myself.
Which is such a good thing, because so few others do. At any
rate though, the woman is in dire need of, yes. A face lift.

She now has that rather unfortunate California blonde
alcoholic chardonnay look going. And it is not pleasant.
But, you say to me - she is PLAYING a blonde chardonnay
alcoholic. She is probably only suffering for her work. I
have this to say in response. If this look is Nicolette suf-
fering for her work, then she makes Nicole Kidman's trans-
formation in "The Hours" look like amateur day. I think
you get my point. But, you say to me, you are such a bitch!
Yes. So true. And a shallow one at that. Where were we?

I first noticed the crumple about oh, ten or twelve years
ago. Why is this always so much more obvious in blondes?
I was saddened. Yes, saddened I tell you. Because despite
all appearances to the contrary I am never happy about
the loss of beauty. Except in anyone that one of my exes
happens to be dating or say... married to presently. But
other than that I hate it when beauty fades. In anyone.

And Nicolette Sheridan was uncommonly beautiful. Breath-
takingly so. She was simply a gorgeous creature in her prime.
And I still think with a good doc and a little conservative sur-
gery with some fine dermabrasion or other skin aftercare she
could once again be fairly wonderful looking. Something she is
not pulling off well at the moment. And yes, the above photo
DOES look nice. But it is oh so air brushed. I dare you to watch
her on HDTV without cringing. Someone needs to sit her down
and talk to her. Do not go gently into that good night Nicolette,
or is it quietly? Either way, don't do it!

Thank you, that is my vapid post of the evening.

It's My Birthday

tomorrow. So Dylan and Tommy (who's Tommy you ask? - just
another kid I picked up in my spare time. You can never have
enough you know.) Anyway. They brought home my birthday
present. A few hours early of course. Kind of cool though.

Prison Tycoon. That's right. A computer game where I get to
make and build my own online prison. And if I'm pissed with some-
one, I can just stick them in there. I like it.

And Tenacious-D. Some kind of double DVD thing. In the pick
of Destiny. Good presents both. Good job Dylpickle.

It Should Not Come as a Surprise

to anyone, that I believe in libraries. By that, I mean that I be-
lieve in the sanctity of libraries. I believe in the work that they
do. Librarians frequently spend long hours for very little thanks
in order to open up a world of knowledge and history to anyone
who cares to partake. And unless you bring your items back
late, by and large, that world comes to you free.

I am not talking about school librarians here, I should hasten to
say. In general I've found that school librarians tend to attempt
to censor the world rather than open it up. They enjoy the short
hours afforded by the student schedule. And I can't remember
a time when one of them had a kind word to say. They are kind
of like school counselors. They may WORK at the school, but they
don't like the kids. And trust me, I have spent large VOLUMES
of time in libraries of all sorts. Public libraries, school libraries,
and otherwise. What kinds of other libraries have I visited?
Just never you mind.

When I was little growing up in Telluride, Colorado our library was
a very small room, perhaps 15 by 18 feet or so. I had read almost
every book in that library by the time I was in second or third
grade. Right, so I didn't have many friends. Shut up.

Anyway, I could never get my hands on enough books. I could
go anywhere without being bored if I had enough books with me.
To this day, I believe that I could exist in solitary confinement
as long as I had an endless supply of reading material of my
choice.

At some point during my pre-pubescent years, Judy Blume
wrote a book that, at the time, was controversial. Riddled with
pubescent angst about periods and training bras, it was called:
"Are You There God, It's Me Margaret."

Some school librarians refused to carry it. Some parents pro-
tested it. I lived in Telluride, easily the most liberal small town
in the nation at the time. There was no such fuss at our small
school. I read it. I was not terribly impressed. My own
mother had already explained the facts of life to me, along
with the proper anatomical terms and I didn't have any prob-
lems talking to God. I didn't always feel he listened very well,
but talking? Never a big problem for me.

But there was a HUGE uproar over this book, and also over
"Catcher in The Rye," and, "Lord of the Flies," and a few others
whose names I scarcely remember anymore. In fact, at that
time, many people in the South, fundamentalists in the religious
right, and the same groups in the midwest, actually burned
books and music frequently at big bonfires. Along with Ouija
boards, tarot cards and the like. Anything which smacked
of what was called, "the occult," and any books or music which
were considered either, "satanic," or "too worldly or secular."

On a very personal level, I'm against destroying expressions
of art. Particularly if it is the work of others. Art, whether it
be painting, music or writing, is something that really is of-
fered up and shared. It is supposed to be evocative in some
manner. It is something that people can come to and exper-
ience and the experience is a perpetual communication for
as long as that piece of work exists. And it is a different exper-
ience for each person, because no one person brings the same
set of values, sensibilities, life experiences and aesthetics to
the piece. And it is a different experience each time the same
person revisits the work, because they see new things in it,
and because they are not the same as the were the time be-
fore.

Of course, I'm speaking as if all works of writing and objects
of art and musical compositions are great works that we must
not miss. Anyone who has had to sit through an open-mike
on poetry night knows that this is unfortunately FAR from
being true. My point is, however, that it is not up to any of us
to censor for others, what should or should not be on that smor-
gasboard of selections. (Barring of course those items not in-
volving consenting adults, and anything at all in which teddy
bears are dressed up in baby doll clothes and then photo-
graphed for posters with cute sayings on the bottom. Also, I
think that possibly purple unicorns should be - What, too far?
ok.ok.) Anyway, I'm sure you get my point. Well, I'm not sure,
but you should. The world would be a much better place if
everyone would.

All of that preface was really just window dressing for these
two stories. Yes, told by others, you don't have to listen to
much more of me right now.

How petty and stupid are we as a society to fuss about an ana-
tomical term that every third grader should ALREADY know in:

THIS

When people are dying just to have the privilege of working with
books & archives and making certain that these resources are
still available in:

THIS

Americans really are quite the spoiled and ridiculous lot some-
times. Whining about the most minuscule things as if they were
really important somehow. I read something like that last article
and it makes me feel ashamed of ever complaining about my own
life.

FINALLY!

A beautiful woman with some real CURVES makes the cover
of a magazine! We need to see a whole lot more of this, and
far fewer of the anemic, anorexic models that have seemed
to proliferate Hollywood of late with their bony frames, sun-
ken faces, and breastbones that jut out unnaturally from their
emaciated chests. There is nothing sexy about starvation
and deprivation.

BEYONCE

MORE BEYONCE

Alrighty Then

So. It's been a very long time since I've been depressed. I
mean, a really long time. I pay good money for medication just
to avoid that sort of thing. And it works usually. And everything.
So I am really pissed to be going through it right now. Because if
there is anything I hate, it's pain. Physical or emotional. And be-
ing the impatient type, I don't enjoy waiting around for it to go
away. Again, with either type. Not into that, "time is the best
healer," crap. I mean, I know its true. I just don't LIKE it.

So, I'm trying to sell a lot of chicken. Because making money?
Always makes me happy. That's right. I'm shallow like that.
And I'm in the process of setting up some dates. Nothing like
appeals to the ego from men to make one feel better as well.
Oh. And I went shopping today. Lots of new clothes. Retail
therapy. Always helpful. And the hair. Getting that done to-
morrow. Let's see. What other superficial, vapid thing can
I do... Maybe a good wax or dermabrasion. I've been consi-
dering some collagen injections. I'll keep you updated.

How Accurate Is The News?

Shame on you CNN! You may or may not have seen a
story running today on CNN's Headline News about
a $25,000 Dinner that was prepared by Chefs flown
into Bangkok for 40 diners.

THE MENU
IS INSANE
WHAT I WOULD NOT GIVE TO BE A TASTER...
AT THIS EVENT!
!!!!OMG!!!!

WAIT! Don't follow the next link! The one below!!!
Until you read the rest of what I have to say here.
Nooooo! Naughty Naughty. Don't even THINK about
touching...

your mouse.

Seriously. To see what CNN did, you have to do this
in the right order. Or it won't have the same effect.
Trust me on this, ok? Read this blog first.

MEAL OF A LIFETIME

CNN would have you believe that diners flew to
Bangkok to eat a meal prepared by the best chefs
in the world and in return, paid a sum of $25,000
apiece. And, that said meal was filled with fare
exquisite to the eye and palate, from near and
far, and wine of supreme vintage, bottles of which
have rarely, if ever, been gathered together and
drunk under one roof, at one time, during one
event. And. Everything that CNN says is true.
Except. That this is where their story ends.

And this is neither the beginning nor the ending
of the story. In fact, its not even a good rep-
resentation of a portion of the story. In my es-
timation.

So let's talk about the real story that CNN should
have covered had they felt like engaging in some
broadcast journalism today. This dinner was NOT
put together by a bunch of "foodies" who wanted
to see how much exotic food they could cram into
their faces for twenty-five grand. Because I've
got to tell you, for that amount, even with the
wine, you could hire one of the chefs who partici-
pated, buy the ingredients, and have him come to
your kitchen. True, if it was just you alone, you
might not have been able to afford the food and
every single bottle of wine on the menu, but
bring along one or two of the other guests at 25k
a pop and you'd have been set.

But THAT was not what THIS dinner was about.
This project was conceived for a two-prong pur-
pose. To promote tourism in Thailand while rais-
ing money for two extremely important charities
that benefit impoverished Thai people. The fab-
ulous food and wine was just a neat way to attract
donors, have them actually visit Thailand so that
they could see the place to which they were con-
tributing, and have a once in a lifetime decadent
unforgettable, sinfully fantastical 10 course meal
to boot.

But let's talk about those charities for a minute.
Since CNN could apparently give a damn.

1. The first is: Medecins Sans Frontieres - Trans-
lated into English, that organization is:
Doctors Without Borders. Right.
NOW it seems pretty familiar to you, I'm sure.
Here are some links though, just in case you've
slept through the last decade and have never
heard of it:

Doctors Without Borders - U.S. Site

Doctors Without Borders - International Site

2. The second charity is: The Chaipattana Foun-
dation - While I immediately recognized the first
charity, as I can read French, I had not heard of
this charity, so I looked it up. Chaipattana is a
Charitable Foundation set up by the King of Thai-
land in an attempt to deal with the massive pover-
ty and health crisis in his country by encouraging
development from within his country. Unlike many
sovereigns, this King does not raid the treasury
for his own gain, instead, in what has to be an
ALL-TIME royal first for any nation, he has used
his OWN money to help his impoverished country-
men.

This has lent global support to his efforts to spur
economic development. Before providing these
links, let me preface this by saying that when you
visit these sites it will at first appear a little
amusing to those of us who are American, because
we are not used to having Sovereign Rulers and Kings
(although some of our rulers have seemed to appear
to THINK they were sovereign - but that's for another
post).

So if you look at any of these links it may
at first appear unusual to you the deference to which
the writers refer to the King. The Beloved King, His
Majesty, His Majesty the King, etc. are titles always
used when referring to the King of Thailand. It would
appear though, that he is doing very good work and
really IS beloved by his people. A rare thing indeed.

This first link explains how the King gave his own
money to begin a foundation whose purpose was the
development of the country, particularly in terms of
rice paddies, farming, and helping the Thai people to
develop their own food sources for the future.

Embassy Explains Foundation Development

The Chaipattana Foundation

News article about The Chaipattana Foundation

By the way, the King of Thailand appears to be an
interesting chap all 'round. He is multi-lingual, has
I'm not certain how many degrees (more than one at
any rate), and is an engineer. He wasn't supposed to
be the King. That fell to his brother. He wasn't pre-
pared to be the King. And yet, since his brother died
and he became the new King by default, he has become
a ruler of extreme longevity whom the Thai people seem
t0 love and respect.

The King of Thailand

But back to the charities,
I know that in addition to attending to disease preven-
tion, which is a primary concern, Doctors without Bor-
ders also provides surgical intervention for children
born with facial and spinal deformities, who would oth-
erwise never have the opportunity for such medical in-
tervention. It is a marvelous organization. All of
the physicians who work for them volunteer their time
and are unpaid for their efforts. By the way, the web-
site has a volunteer area should anyone care to give
of their time.

Now we can look at the money. This dinner was set
up for forty people. There was a last minute problem
though. On New Year's Eve, several bomb blasts shook
Bangkok. Three people were killed. Thirty-eight people
were wounded. Nine of the wounded were from coun-
tries other than Thailand, on vacation, work, or what-
haveyou. Muslim extremists are the favorite suspects,
but truly, nobody knows who was behind it, and if the
authorities have any real idea, they aren't in a sharing.
mood. After the blasts, people visiting from abroad
were warned to leave in statements issued by many
foreign governments. Not exactly a boon to Thailand's
already broken economy.

New Year's Bomb Attack

In the wake of the bombing, the ten diners from Japan
decided that the security risk was too high, and they
bowed out of the event. So at the last minute, ten ad-
ditional people had to be found. Ten people who didn't
mind sitting next to next to Americans for dinner. Might
as well pin a bulls eye to your back these days. But
the seats were filled. Forty total Diners.

Now, even I can do basic math. 40 x $25,000 per plate =
WOW! A million dollars!

Ok. So I don't know if the vendors for the wine and food
donated the items as their contribution to the charity
event (frequently, this is done) or not, but even if the 200k
wine tab was removed, and the food deducted, I'd still say
there was a fair amount left for charity.

Which brings me, finally, (is anyone still with me on this ride?)
to my point. Why didn't CNN EVER MENTION that the
proceeds of this meal were going to be channeled to these
two fabulous charity organizations? If they had mentioned
the charities every time they ran the story can you imagine
how much good that might have done by bringing attention
to the charities? I'm not even certain they mentioned Thai-
land, the entire REASON for the event!

You'd have at the very least thought that they might have
mentioned this very NEWS-WORTHY part of this story. The
fact that the ten Japanese diners pulled out because of secur-
ity concerns due to the January bombings. That would have
made a GREAT story. I would love to have seen that story.

Ever wonder how safe it is to travel internationally right now
and which countries are considered the most volatile vs. the
most safe when you're looking to spend your frequent flyer
miles? I do. Ever wonder how many people are killed every
year while traveling (whether on business or pleasure) in for-
eign countries? I wonder about that all the time when I'm
thinking of planning vacations. That would have been a great
story and they could have tied it in with this one, using the
Japanese diners as a preface.

It would have been timely. Westerners have found them-
selves in danger in places other than the middle east.
Were you aware, for instance, that two Italian women were
stoned to death yesterday while vacationing off Cape Verde?
(off the coast of Africa) And that the third only survived
because the perpetrators thought she was dead? Of course
you weren't. CNN didn't tell you that on any of their headline
news segments. They were too busy reporting fluff stories
about $25,000 meals, and they couldn't even get those pieces
right. I'm not too busy though.

Here's a link: Three Italian Women Stoned at Cape Verde

So how accurate is the news? With the mere holding back of
a couple of key pieces of information, the story CNN aired
about the $25,000 per plate dinner CNN is turned on its
head. It makes the diners out to be gluttonous hedonists, as
opposed to philanthropists willing to visit a country in need
of their help, at their own personal risk, and donate funds
in the name of charity. And yep. In return, they are treated
to hopefully what will be the best meal of their lives.

CNN, DOUBLE SHAME ON YOU! One for each charity.

By the way, You can follow that link now.

Anna Anna Anna Anna Anna Nicole

So actually, I've really been upset by Anna Nicole
Smith's death. I always liked Anna Nicole. I admired
her. She took a lot of heat for doing whatever the
hell she wanted to do. I think a lot of her entertain-
ment persona was calculated on her part. Perhaps so
much that it became a part of her, or difficult for
her to turn off when she wasn't in front of the camera,
but it was staged nonetheless. Which was brilliant.
That's one of the things I liked about her.

I wasn't, however, really crazy about this latest incar-
nation of her with Howard Stern. She seemed to be not
at all herself with him, and also, following the death
of her son. But I think Stern used the death of her
son to prey upon her at a time when she was weak and
needed support. Ok. So -

Let me just say at the outset that I don't like Howard
Stern. I think he did much to isolate Anna Nicole Smith
and to get her really screwed up on drugs. I think its
instructive that the drugs found in her hotel room had
HIS name on them. Also, that the drugs given to her
son were apparently from his stash of prescriptions.
Also, he had such control over all of her actions that
her nurse was afraid to call EMS without going through
him. Which in and of itself may have cost her any chance
she had of surviving the episode in her hotel room when
she first lost consciousness. Who knows what might have
happened if the nurse had called EMS right away instead
of calling Stern and then waiting for Stern to call back
as she wasn't able to reach him right away. Stern must
have been VERY controlling if the nurse was afraid to call
911 even though the situation was so dire that the body-
guard was providing CPR. Think about that for a minute.
That's a guy who had to have practiced some intimidation
tactics in the past.

I'm hoping that her mother, who has had such horrible
things to say about Anna, isn't the one who ends up rais-
ing the child. It doesn't appear that she gave Anna a
very promising start in life. I understand exactly why
Larry Birkhead tried to get the emergency order. He was
afraid, given reports of large quantities of different
prescription drugs in the hotel room and the fact that
this is the second person in the immediate family to die
of what seems to possibly be a drug overdose, that what
he believes to be his baby is in immediate danger if left
with Howard Stern. A man he has to believe is not the
best of caretakers if he has now been at least peripheral-
ly responsible for two deaths. That of Anna Nicole's son,
and now, Anna Nicole. I can understand Larry Birkhead's
sense of extreme urgency. I would be feeling EXACTLY the
same way. In fact, I think I would be frustrated beyond
all imagination. Because if it does turn out that Anna
Nicole's death was complicated by prescription medica-
tions, and all of the medications in the room were writ-
ten for Howard Stern, then that can only mean that for
the second time in a few months, Mr. Stern has given a
lethal dose of his own medication to someone else.

Its a wonder that some equivalent of Child Protective
Services in the Bahamas doesn't step in and remove that
child immediately for the pendency of these legal pro-
ceedings, at least until it's determined who the child's
father and righful guardian is.

Oh, and what's this deal with Zsa Zsa's husband? The
Prince? Hell, I don't even want to go there...

This Just In -- The Vatican

The Pope, in a briefly worded press release that has
left citizens of Rome and Catholics around the world
stunned, has announced that he also may be Anna Ni-
cole Smith's Baby Daddy.