Saturday, August 26, 2006

Top Ten

If you have any candidates for the MICHAEL JACKSON FACTOR
list, please feel free to list them in response. Here are my favorite
top ten. In order.

1) Michael Jackson
2) Tom Cruise
3) LaToya Jackson
*If it turns out that LaToya and Michael really are the same
person then you know, mea culpa -- Bygones and all that.
4) Paula Abdul
5) Gary Busey
*I actually sat at La Zona Rosa in Austin next to this guy at the
height of his most OBNOXIOUS (I hope) days. He came in
with some blonde hag of a woman, wasted - and yelled at the
poor waitress, "I told you, NO FUCKING SALT ON MY MAR-
GARITA!!!" Then he proceeded to berate everyone in the
place because they couldn't tell him where Willie Nelson and/
or his picnic was (it was that time of year in Austin). Classy
6) Star Jones
7) Sean Young
*Remember the James Woods & Catwoman debacles?
Well she is still at her bizarre hi-jinks <--- Oh the humiliation.
8) Ok, so I only got to eight and then I thought about putting
Tara Reid but that seemed a little cruel. I think she may
come around if she ever sobers up.

PLUS - I'm starving and the really cool Chinese restaurant
where I always accidentally leave my cell phone behind is just
down the block...


The "Michael Jackson Factor"

Yes, yes, yours truly, already famous for such famous terms as
the "mini-cruiser" to describe Tom Cruise & Katie's Holmes then
pending arrival is about to coin another phrase.

Listen carefully folks, I like to call this:

The Michael Jackson Factor

The Michael Jackson Factor is a term which shall now be used to
describe any star/entertainer/author/personality who was once
talented and seemingly likable but who has, over a period of
time, become too bizarre and remote for any of us "normal"
(cough) people to consider them to be an actual member of the
human race any longer.

That is, we can see that they appear to breathe and eat and emi-
nate with some features that would appear to make them ani-
mate, but then again, that wax figure they just made of of Brit-
ney Spears does have breasts that heave up and down.

Another key component of THE MICHAEL JACKSON FACTOR
is that the entertainer who succumbs appears to have NO IDEA


That he/she is a narcissistic, unperceptive, moronic twit.

And While You're annoyed about That Last One

Be Prepared.

Burger King is not the best place in town to get hit by an automo-
bile. That is, not unless you happen to have the $1.04 to pay them
for ice to put on the injury you suffer when the car throws you off
of your bike.

That's right folks. Burger King charged a youngster who had been
hit by a car for ice to put on his injured ankle.

You can email the writer of the story about the incident here, with
your fond words regarding Burger King's policies. I'm going to do
so. And if I'm not assured that they've taken some corporate re-
sponsibility regarding personnel changes and training then that's
right folks! No more CHICKEN FRIES for me!

Jennifer Roy can be reached at 781-398-8005 or
She is the writer of the story for the Daily Tribune.

Are you KIDDING me!!!???

This is the most outrageous incident, particularly in that it was di-
rected at children, that I have had the great disgust to be apprised
of by the news media in quite some time.


At the front of the bus so that white children can sit there instead.
And where does it happen? Oh yes, Louisiana. Apparently Kanye,
George W. isn't the ONLY one who doesn't "like" black people.

The worst part of this is that the the superintendent of this system
has not immediately canned this employee, apologized and bowed
and scraped his or her way out of the door hoping and praying in
all humility for the immediate forgiveness of not only the children
and families involved, and not only of all black Americans, but of
ALL Americans for this horrifying incident.

Disgraceful beyond all possible reason.


Sunday, August 20, 2006

Movie of The Weekend

Ok, My movie of the weekend for this weekend was on IFC chan-
nel this Saturday.

Afraid of the Dark

English stories always seem to be the most brutally psychological-
ly harrowing, and this one also gives us the the titillating addition
of an erotic glimpse of one of the main actresses, blind and in dis-
tress in her lingerie, topless and atop a bouncing play pony whilst
being menaced and photographed, tremblingly displaying her
beautiful breasts (oh yes of course, also bouncing) whilst seeming-
ly helpless to do anything about her situation. Once again, leave it
to the English...

Saturday, August 19, 2006

The Penis Pumping Judge

I'm posting this for another blogger who didn't get to read the ori-

The Penis Pumping Judge Story

Write 100 Times in a Row

I will never attempt to help the unfortunate and disadvantaged
again. Particularly if they have a history of substance abuse. Be-
cause I am a huge (figuratively of course) moron. So, I've been
trying to help this girl who cleans at our chicken plant. True, she
has a history of DUI and some other alcohol related offenses, how-
ever, she has been passing all of her drug and alcohol tests.

I've been letting her clean my house for extra money (while I'm
there) and she's been doing a great job both there and at work for
several months. The one rule is: nobody else is to know where I
live. She can't drive, so I provide her transportation along with
another supervisor at work.

So... this weekend Dylan and I went to my grandfather's funeral
in Colorado. Friday through Monday. The girl was fine and doing
her job Friday. She was fine Saturday afternoon. Umm then...
Not so much.

She drank every drop of liquor in our house. She brought a crack
dealer over and they had a crack party. Gee, fun. They stole all
of Dylan's electronics and his van and pawned all of his stuff.

This is what we came home to on Tuesday after a hideous funer-
al experience out of town. I must have been Jezebel in a former
life or something.

Update: So yes, I have been Jezebel. Both in this life probably,
upon occasion, and in former lives. However, the girl who stole
my belongings along with her compadre has called me, confessed,
and has recovered most of Dylan's belongings and has told me
where to find the rest.

She also told me where to find his van, which was unharmed. She
will pick up the rest of his belongings, which she pawned, when she
gets her check in the morning. With me of course. I don't trust her
THAT much.

Law enforcement remains another matter altogether. I don't know
how much I can shield her from grand theft auto. It may not be
within my purview to drop those charges, as much as I hate to say
so. She is very remorseful and is doing her best to make us whole.
Which is more, I suppose, than most thieves do?

Some People...

Take themselves VERY seriously.

Check it. Ali G. Interviews Andy Rooney:

Hilarity Ensues as apparently Andy doesn't "Get" that Ali G.
is a comedian. Hello, earth to Andy...

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Is it Just Me?

Or was anyone else out there unaware that in addition to the other bad
things that can happen to you on the road whilst driving, we now must
also look out for


What? There are pipelines carrying liquid nitrogen sprinkled around
the country just off the roadway? I mean hell, ANYONE can run off the
road in a second due to falling asleep, turning around to see what a
child is doing, answering the cell phone, EATING in the car... (ok, so
I'm a major offender vis a vis the eating in the car thing, but anyway)

I mean, it happens. People make mistakes. Usually, the worst that
could happen would be hitting a tree near the road. Not that hitting
a tree is a great and healthy thing to do -- but I was just unaware
that you could also be blown to Kingdom Come by random nitrogen ex-

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Speaking of Breasts...

We are SO repressed in the United States. It would almost be amusing
if it wasn't so absolutely absurd. Apparently, many readers of "Baby
Talk" a magazine about all things baby, had a complete come-apart be-
cause the magazine had the bold effrontery to put a photo of a woman
breastfeeding on its cover.

See Article HERE

Mind you, there is no nipplage involved here, just a baby who appears
to be breastfeeding from a part of the human anatomy that looks, in
the photo, as though it might easily be a knee or the curve of a shoulder,
rather than a female breast. By the way, I break here for a moment to
say that if it IS a breast then I'd just like to shout out a "nice tits" to the
model because the breast in question is rather nice and well-formed.

But that aside, subscribers to the magazine are apparently going ape-
shit about the cover photo. Here are some of the more interesting com-

From the article:

"I was SHOCKED to see a giant breast on the cover of your magazine,"
one person wrote. "I immediately turned the magazine face down,"
wrote another. "Gross," said a third.

Right. Because we all know that breastfeeding is an unnatural act. Not
only unnatural but apparently, disgusting as well.

Another reader was apparently concerned about the possible moral de-
cay faced by her 13 yr old son if he were to have been exposed the ma-
gazine's cover:

"I shredded it," said Gayle Ash, of Belton, Texas, in a telephone interview.
"A breast is a breast - it's a sexual thing. He didn't need to see that."

Seriously? She shredded it?! She's acting as though someone sent a
Penthouse to her children's daycare for reading time. (I suppose her son
will now be stuck regaling himself with past issues of National Geogra-
phic and Victoria's Secret.)

This same mother, who by the way BREASTFED her own children finally
said what I think is really at the heart of the issue for people who oppose

women's right to breastfeed their children when and where they want to
do so:

"I'm totally supportive of it - I just don't like the flashing," she says. "I
don't want my son or husband to accidentally see a breast they didn't
want to see."

Flashing? I doubt many breastfeeding mothers purposely flash others.
And I doubt her son and husband are ever going to accidentally see a
breast they don't WANT to see and come crying home to her. Because

no matter what they tell her and no matter what posture the moral ma-
jority takes on breastfeeding in public, I've met very few guys who were
'offended' and/or irreparably damaged somehow by the occasionally
flash of some chick's breasts. Otherwise, how do you explain mardi
gras? They don't hand out those mardi gras beads for nothing...

But this is America once again, where for some reason we equate breast-
feeding with sex. Apparently, if a baby is hungry his nursing mother just
needs to wait until she gets back home (where many of these people pro-
bably think she belongs anyway) so that she can crawl into the darkest
room in the deepest portion of her house in order to feed her baby with-
out risking the catastrophic devastation an accidental glimpse of her
"gross" bare bosom would visit upon society at large.

In this country we seem to have many people who are uncomfortable
with their own sexuality and unable to deal well with or to understand
women's roles as both mother and lover in a marriage. For some reason,
not only men, but women also still carry the Puritanical idea that sex is
"bad" or sinful. That there is some form of shame involved. And there-
fore, exposing various parts of the body that are seen as relating to the
sex act and to lovemaking must be "bad" and "shameful" as well.

In many cases it seems really that our discomfort about our own bodies,
or at least certain parts of our bodies is at the root of all of this hype
over breastfeeding and where it should and should not be accomplished.
The saddest part of this article to me is that it is women, MOTHERS in
fact, who have responded to the cover photo with such vehemence. Cal-
ling it gross? Boy, that's a healthy way to bring up your children. Telling
them that certain parts of their anatomy are "gross."

It seems as though women in the United States really are conflicted
about the difference between what is sexual and what is merely caring
for and providing for your child in the natural manner that God intend-
ed. Remember Ms. Ash's quote in the article:

"A breast is a breast - it's a sexual thing."

Apparently, even some nursing mothers just can't seem to get it
straight. Breasts are not just sexual. They are actually fairly utilitar-
ian when you get right down to it. A sort of built-in manufacturer
and reservoir for the very substance that gives new babies the best
and healthiest nutrition available.

In most other countries this hue and cry over breastfeeding (which
by the way goes on far longer in a child's life than it does here in the
West) would be laughable, if not just bizarre.

Breastfeeding is a beautiful act of caring for one's child. It is much more
natural than throwing the kid a b0ttle of similac. What an odd thing
that our shame and disgust over what is a completely natural and
wholesome process compels us to create formulas that mimic mother's
milk when we can produce the real thing. (And I am casting no asper-
sions on women who choose to bottlefeed. There are situations where
breastfeeding may not the right choice for some mothers and babies
and that decision is best left to the woman, her baby and her doctor.)

But by God when my son was a baby and was hungry I fed him. Obvious-
ly, I tried to be discreet in public by covering with a blanket but I'm
sure someone out there probably copped the occasional glance. There
is no way I would have made my infant son wait to be fed until I could
retreat into some dark closet in my home just to appease some repressed
strangers who might have a problem with when and where I chose to
feed my child. The answer to which was - the nearest comfortable place
around when he cried because he needed to be fed.

His health and comfort were far more paramount to me than worrying
about what someone else might consider offensive due to their own dis-
comfort with viewing women as more than just sex objects, and breasts
as more than just an item women put on display to entice men.

Boycotting "Baby Talk" because of a cover that promotes breastfeeding?
How stupid. Get over it America.