Sunday, May 13, 2007

Reality Continued...

In the Morning. The rest of the story will follow
when I've had some sleep.

Reality Continued Part Four

So at the point the Junkie Housekeeper starts to look a
little junked up she also stays home and stops answering
her phone. Wait, did I say her phone? No, I meant MY PHONE.
Right, because it is, after all, my phone that she is using.
Now it would be weird for her to be junked up because every-
thing I've paid her so far I have paid straight to her bills
and not to her, for exactly the reason that I did not want it
to be shot straight up her arm in the form of meth while she
was working for me. So... how would she get the money for
meth. I decided to have the new wannabe boyfriend tile guy
to take me to check-up on the junkie housekeeper and bring her
butt back to work.

So we go over to her house and I walk in on her and damned if
she isn't sitting at her table with a needle jammed up her arm
in the company of some known junk dealers with a needle that
looks very much like the brand needle I use to administer pro-
crit jammed up her arm (*note to self, throw out all syringes
in the house and buy new ones before next procrit purchase just
in case). By candlelight mind you. Remember, she doesn't have
electricity. So I take a candle and ask to use her bathroom.
I'm in there one hell of a long time. People start asking after
me. I tell them I'm ill, to leave me along. Hey, it takes a
LONG time to search someone's closet for all of your shit by
candlelight. Especially when you only have one candle and wax
is dripping down your arm. Because I know that meth wasn't free
and she has to be hawking my stuff for it.

I find a designer skirt of mine right off the bat. And tons of
office supplies. I call her in there to confront her privately
by telling her I need help. Nicely though, there are a lot of
dealers in the living room. One of them wants to take her with
them but I insist she is coming with me, propel her into the car,
and we leave. Me, her, and the wannabe bf tiler guy with the
weird propensity for giving jewelry to people he has just met.

She yells, screams and curses the entire way about how she had
to wear the skirt home one night because she got something on her
pants and about how I had left the office supplies in an old brief-
case I gave her. She was high so I didn't even bother arguing that
clearly a girl who weighs almost 300 lbs would hardly be able to
fit her ass into my skirt, that she is so heavy she broke my scale
this past week causing at first jubilation and then annoyance when
I realized that no, I did not actually lose down to 110 overnight,
and causing my son at first horror, and then relief that no, he did
not actually lose down to 120 overnight.

to be continued

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Reality Continued Part 3

Things went swell the first day or two and the house
was really coming along. Order from chaos (err... ok
fine, squalor. shut up already). Then the weirdness
started to occur. The junkie housekeeper started get-
ting picked up to go home at night by her various
people and she started doing this when I was asleep.
And she started looking a little, well, junkie. Or
junked up, more to the point.

Now. During this time, which was a space of really
only five or so days, I mentioned that also before
next Wednesday (yes, THIS NEXT Wednesday), Dylan and I
needed to paint and hand-install tile in his bedroom.

She had just met, but did not know all that well, this
guy who might be interested in the job. I agreed to
give him a whirl since he wasn't a good friend of hers.
(i.e. might not be a drug addict - although, many of
her friends aren't drug addicts. They run the gamut.)

So... the guy had an amazing breadth of knowledge on
tile and finishing work. He wasn't just talking shit,
he really knew his stuff. Also though, he seemed to
be very attracted to me which I didn't necessarily want
to encourage at that point although he wasn't all that
bad looking, but hey, I didn't really know the guy and
I wanted to get the work on my house done much more than
I wanted to any work done on... well, you get the point.

Plus, the junkie housekeeper seemed like she might have
little crush on him, and I didn't want to fuck things
with her up while I really needed her to clean.

Yeah, I'm a hopeless romantic you can tell.

So things get a little weird when the second or third day
the guy knows me he gives me a couple of moderately priced
(not really that expensive) diamond rings he happens to
have hanging around from other relationships and makes me
promise to consider going out with him after the remodeling.

Ok. I mean, guys are one thing, but I NEVER turn down jewel-
ry from anyone. It's something I live by. What do they call
those things? A creed or something? Nah, that's not it. Oh
I know. Vanity.

to be continued

Reality Continued Part 2

Right. So. Against everyone's better judgement, includ-
ing my own, which I summarily suspended, I called "the
people who know" the junkie housekeeper, because after
three months out of my employ I found that in addition
to no electricity and no running water, she also had no

So. Needless to say, junkie housemaid was thrilled to
be of service and I was crossing my fingers and hoping
for the best as well because I have family coming into
town Wednesday and as my mother keeps phoning to tell
family will find out via other family members not men-
tioned in this blog and the entire family will go down
into the pits of hell in bad housekeeping infamy.

Never a good thing.

On the first day I had junkie housekeeper back in my em-
ploy I got an additional cell phone for her to use so
that I could keep in touch with her ass. At any rate,
when she works for me, its fairly customary for her to
work a lot of hours (she needs the money, obviously)
around the clock, sleep in the extra room, then get up
and keep working. She has though, a rather vexing habit,
which I typically ignore, of calling it "her room" and be-
rather more than a little territorial about it. A little
odd, but whatever. Or so I've thought. Or really, you
know, hadn't put much thought into the subject at all.

to be continued

Any Reality Show Investors Out There?

Because I'm telling you right now, I could support an
entire show on my own. I Promise.

On Thursday I found out which one of my designer blouses
most perfectly shows off my new set of, my new... the girls.

What's more interesting is how that came about. For some
reason, call it temporary insanity, desperation, whatever,
I decided to let the junkie housekeeper take another run at
cleaning the house. It was in preparation for Dylan's up-
coming graduation from high school next Friday.

I asked my friend Valerie (who used to be the junkie house-
keeper's supervisor before our poultry plant fired her after
she robbed my house and stole my car) do you think things
could possibly really fuck up that badly if I let Jenny clean
for a few days if I was there all the time?

Valerie said, "Well, if you watched her really closely and
made sure she wasn't on meth, and paid her by the day I think
it might be ok..." Did I mention the part where I was des-
perate? Also, the fact that the junkie housekeeper has this
canny and supernatural ability to clean and organize such that
no other mortal has ever exhibited? Just sayin' It's not like
I was COMPLETELY insane, I did have my reasons...

Dylan, of course, being more of much more sound mind was against
bringing her back from the start. Would that I had listened to
the child.

to be continued