Updated Rules to The Boys Club

I watched with much bemusement, note that I said "be-
musement," and not, "amusement," the entire Imus/Rut-
gers controversy play out this pay week. There is a huge
problem here. Some of the men in the U.S. have forgotten
to update their "Rules to the Boys Club." And that, my
friend, is a fatal mistake. And one:

That Don Imus learned Very Painfully

Not that he hasn't had some practice. He's been slapped
on the wrist before. Warning Signs. He should have paid
attention. So all of you are wondering. Are there REALLY
a set of UPDATES to the clubhouse rules? Yes. Yes. There
ARE. So many of you seem to have forgotten them though
so I'm offering a refresher course.

1. Referring in a derisive fashion to the race, or sexual orien-
tation of anyone who is not white or who does not wear a
chastity belt to cover their anus will destroy your career
forever. And ever. And ever. And ever.

a. Unless you're a rapper. In which case, you already have
your own rules which I can scarcely begin to decode. Some-
thing about affectionately putting down other people you
should be building up... Whatever. Also, its commonly ac-
cepted that members of one race can refer to other members
of their race in a derogatory fashion for purposes of humor
(and sometimes this is quite humorous i.e. George Lopez,
Eddie Murphyc) or for any other reason so desired. Do not
try to be cool and mimic this if you are white.

You are not cool. You will never be funny. And you
will probably get your ass beat and lose your career.

b. black rappers perpetuate the idea that black women like to
be referred to as "ho's," and other terms which I will not go in-
to here. If you are some race other than black, do not try to
use these terms just because you have seen black women buy
these cd's. Refer to the last two lines in a. for the consequences
of such behavior.

c. There is that old adage, "No publicity is bad publicity except
for a live boy or a dead girl." Wealthy or famous members of
the boys club will be happy to know that DESPITE what is seen
as the progression of women's rights in the United States, you
can still get away with killing one if you are famous enough or
if you have enough money. Curiously, many rich and celebrity
defendents have been found guilty of raping women (think Mike
Tyson, and Max Factor heir Andrew Luster). Might as well kill
'em I guess, that seems to be a sure thing.

Incidentally, minority members of the Boys Club will be happy
to know that minority member status in the Boys Club in no way
detracts from the Rich and Celebrity aspect of this truth. That's
right. Money and Fame trump race.

*I forgot to mention. No matter how rich and famous you are.
You cannot kill little boys after molesting them. Hello! They're
boys. That is, smaller men. With all of the value our society
placed on men. You know, TWICE AS MUCH as women? So
although you can probably stay out of jail for a little molestation,
you're going to get the death penalty for molesting and killing a
little boy. It would seem that the same holds true for little girls,
although... there does seem to be a history of leniency in molesta-
tion cases as long as they aren't, you know, "harmed."

d. When running for Gubenatorial office, it really isn't ok any-
more to make homey jokes to the press that compare the weath-
er to rape. Even in Texas.
Bad weather's like rape, "as long as it's inevitable, you might as
well lie back and enjoy it." Clayton Williams -- from the 1990
Texas Gubenatorial Race.

Now some say that the real moment he lost that race is not that
quote, although it didn't help him out any, but when he refused
to shake Ann Richard's hand during one of their political debates
while running for office.

*Note to Boy's Club members. People will forgive you for visit-
ing the "Chicken Ranch," An old-time brothel in LaGrange - re-
ortedly a past favorite haunt of Claytie's, but people will never
forgive you for failing to be a gentleman. The public hates a cad.
We want our men to look like heros. We really don't care if they
measure up. It's all about perception. And anyway, boys will be
boys. Yes, America does really still believe in that one.

sighing - Clayton is a cousin of some sorts to me. And that should
come as no surprise to anyone.

e. It is ok to have affairs. I know. You're shocked! Here's the deal.
They call them MISTRESSES! They have to be well aware of their
role from the get-go. Also, you have to pay. You have to make them
most comfortable. ESPECIALLY, after you are through with them.
And, to cancel all risk to yourself, you have to pass them along to
someone superior to yourself when you are through dallying.
Yes, generally there are people seen as superior to you. If you don't
know who they are, just ask a few female friends.

Doing this will allow your mistress to avoid that time period of grieving
where ordinarily she might plot your utter demise. Actually, this is
best done without her knowledge. Let me restate that. Women are
smarter than you. Without her implicit knowledge. Invite the super-
ior friend over for sailing or pool or whatever it is that your boys club
does, with the Mistress, and let her think she's discovered him. Trust
me, if your other female friends think he's superior, so will she.

Yes, this takes some humility on your part, but the girl who was once
your Mistress probably won't remember your name next week, and
therefore you have "passed on the risk." Actually, this works with
girlfriends also when you don't want a messy breakup. So to recap,
Trading a girl up because you aren't good enough for her is always a
good way to move on. Now the girl is grateful to you, won't remember
your name next week and the next gentleman has adopted the risk.

ummm... a piece of advice. Think about your position in the world
and whether "trading up" is really an option for you. If you are the
busboy at the local diner, it will be easy. For Bill Clinton it certainly
wasn't.

More next time...