Almost a Year since my Last Confession

Hi All. I know I've been pretty scarce over the past
(almost) year. Truth is, I've been ill. I don't want
to really get into it, but I'm ok now. So, I'm back I
guess. Still recovering a bit, but everything seems
fine.

My mortgage company let me go without paying for eight
months, putting my payments on the back of their loan
(pretty cool of them I think), and I went completely
independent in my business and I managed to make enough
to get by.

My son is in college now and moved to Austin to attend,
but he is coming to see me on Tuesday so I'm pretty ex-
cited about that. anyway, that's it. Just an update.

Sometimes I Just Can't Help Myself

Anyway, you know what they say,
sharing is caring.
Apparently, this gentleman felt
much the same... (shrug)

The Nebraska Man
and
His "Big Bonnet"

I'm Asking for Full Disclosure Here

And I realize that it might be somewhat uncomfortable.
So to get you going. Err... started, I'm posting the
following video:



This is mostly directed at the guys, but girls can play
too certainly. How many of you will confess, even if
only anonymously, to having had some type of sexual en-
counter with an inanimate object not built for that pur-
pose?

To be completely candid, I was once a bit taken with the
water tower in my home town. Nothing ever came of it
though, the mechanics of it being a little tricky...

I REALIZE

That the Dutch are famous for their live sex shows
and things of that nature. (For enough money, you
can get that in Boystown [in Nuevo Laredo], or New
Orleans too... Just sayin')

But they've sunk to an all-time low now. And I'm
not really blaming the Dutch. Just a certain
group of broadcasters. Who have come out with a
new reality series. I'm not joking with this.

WHO GETS THE KIDNEY

That's right. You, the viewer, gets to decide
whether Bob, Sally or Mary gets to go home with a
brand new organ or spend the rest of their misera-
bly short lives on dialysis.

How's that for entertaining the masses? Why are
we bothering with this drivel anyway? Aren't there
any Roman Colisseums free where we can just cut to
the really good stuff? You know, lions and tigers
mauling people to death, gladiators killing each
other for sport on live t.v.?

I have a question. Is the medical association so
loose in Holland that you can just bid an organ in
this manner and medical ethics there so lax that a
doctor would be willing to risk his license in this
manner?

Even in India where the sale of organs occurs daily,
doctors at LEAST make a show of not participating
in the practice by having the donors pretend to be
relatives of the recipients. So how is this getting
through the medical board?

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Oh Yes

The little Vids at the Bottom?

I'm just randomly changing out vids
with new vids I find amusing/interesting
annoying or whatever. I chose this vid
for a VARIETY of reasons. I am going to
list them in no particular order and be-
fore I get the hate mail, remember, I
never CLAIMED to be nice, nor did I say
I claim not to be an asshole.

1) I like Big Love a LOT
2) a WHOLE Lot.
3) I was wondering if ABC News would have
run the story if Ms. Nicholson had been less
say... attractive? Viewer appealing?
4) How far does that left tit have to stick
out of her shirt anyways, geez already, ABC!
5) This leads me to a further question. Has
Ms. Nicholson so embraced secular society
that she's gone in for a boob job? Cuz I'm
sorry, but if those are real I'll eat my...
I dunno, send in suggestions.
6) 'Course, I don't really care one way or
the other vis a vis the boob job/showing of
cleavage on national tv - just sayin'

The End of The Story...

Well, a lot happened in that story and most of it is
either too boring or too obscene to write about. Suf-
fice it to say that I have learned a lot about junkies
in the past month or two. I believe I have earned an
honorary Phd. I used to worry sometimes, you know, on
account of the little painkiller dudads I have to take
from time to time for my migraines and such, that per-
haps I myself was a junkie. A scrip junkie I think
they call it.

But nah...

I feel totally better about myself now. Because I've
been spending some time hanging out with some real junk-
ies. Stupidly, I've even tried to help two or three
get clean - While they cleaned me out.

So helpfully, I've developed some criteria whereby the
weary traveler can measure himself and come to some con-
clusion about his or her status.
9475096

A Junkie Has no Soul
She sold it, along with a blow job,
for two dilaudids and a nickel bag.

And She would kick you in the head right
now for the chance to do it again.

A Junkie can pretend to care about you while
he's robbing you blind.

A junkie can rape you in your sleep and con-
vince himself that it was just because he
"loved you so much."

A Junkie can take the pain pills from cancer
patients and not even think twice.

A Junkie is always selfish.

And already very small.



And to borrow a line from a songwriter friend of
mine in Austin, sorry Dave, but your last name
escapes me at the moment, I'll post it later when
I retrieve it:

"I see my life in the bottom of a spoon..."
very small

Reality Continued...

In the Morning. The rest of the story will follow
when I've had some sleep.

Reality Continued Part Four

So at the point the Junkie Housekeeper starts to look a
little junked up she also stays home and stops answering
her phone. Wait, did I say her phone? No, I meant MY PHONE.
Right, because it is, after all, my phone that she is using.
Now it would be weird for her to be junked up because every-
thing I've paid her so far I have paid straight to her bills
and not to her, for exactly the reason that I did not want it
to be shot straight up her arm in the form of meth while she
was working for me. So... how would she get the money for
meth. I decided to have the new wannabe boyfriend tile guy
to take me to check-up on the junkie housekeeper and bring her
butt back to work.

So we go over to her house and I walk in on her and damned if
she isn't sitting at her table with a needle jammed up her arm
in the company of some known junk dealers with a needle that
looks very much like the brand needle I use to administer pro-
crit jammed up her arm (*note to self, throw out all syringes
in the house and buy new ones before next procrit purchase just
in case). By candlelight mind you. Remember, she doesn't have
electricity. So I take a candle and ask to use her bathroom.
I'm in there one hell of a long time. People start asking after
me. I tell them I'm ill, to leave me along. Hey, it takes a
LONG time to search someone's closet for all of your shit by
candlelight. Especially when you only have one candle and wax
is dripping down your arm. Because I know that meth wasn't free
and she has to be hawking my stuff for it.

I find a designer skirt of mine right off the bat. And tons of
office supplies. I call her in there to confront her privately
by telling her I need help. Nicely though, there are a lot of
dealers in the living room. One of them wants to take her with
them but I insist she is coming with me, propel her into the car,
and we leave. Me, her, and the wannabe bf tiler guy with the
weird propensity for giving jewelry to people he has just met.

She yells, screams and curses the entire way about how she had
to wear the skirt home one night because she got something on her
pants and about how I had left the office supplies in an old brief-
case I gave her. She was high so I didn't even bother arguing that
clearly a girl who weighs almost 300 lbs would hardly be able to
fit her ass into my skirt, that she is so heavy she broke my scale
this past week causing at first jubilation and then annoyance when
I realized that no, I did not actually lose down to 110 overnight,
and causing my son at first horror, and then relief that no, he did
not actually lose down to 120 overnight.

to be continued

Reality Continued Part 3

Things went swell the first day or two and the house
was really coming along. Order from chaos (err... ok
fine, squalor. shut up already). Then the weirdness
started to occur. The junkie housekeeper started get-
ting picked up to go home at night by her various
people and she started doing this when I was asleep.
And she started looking a little, well, junkie. Or
junked up, more to the point.

Now. During this time, which was a space of really
only five or so days, I mentioned that also before
next Wednesday (yes, THIS NEXT Wednesday), Dylan and I
needed to paint and hand-install tile in his bedroom.

She had just met, but did not know all that well, this
guy who might be interested in the job. I agreed to
give him a whirl since he wasn't a good friend of hers.
(i.e. might not be a drug addict - although, many of
her friends aren't drug addicts. They run the gamut.)

So... the guy had an amazing breadth of knowledge on
tile and finishing work. He wasn't just talking shit,
he really knew his stuff. Also though, he seemed to
be very attracted to me which I didn't necessarily want
to encourage at that point although he wasn't all that
bad looking, but hey, I didn't really know the guy and
I wanted to get the work on my house done much more than
I wanted to any work done on... well, you get the point.

Plus, the junkie housekeeper seemed like she might have
little crush on him, and I didn't want to fuck things
with her up while I really needed her to clean.

Yeah, I'm a hopeless romantic you can tell.

So things get a little weird when the second or third day
the guy knows me he gives me a couple of moderately priced
(not really that expensive) diamond rings he happens to
have hanging around from other relationships and makes me
promise to consider going out with him after the remodeling.

Ok. I mean, guys are one thing, but I NEVER turn down jewel-
ry from anyone. It's something I live by. What do they call
those things? A creed or something? Nah, that's not it. Oh
I know. Vanity.

to be continued

Reality Continued Part 2

Right. So. Against everyone's better judgement, includ-
ing my own, which I summarily suspended, I called "the
people who know" the junkie housekeeper, because after
three months out of my employ I found that in addition
to no electricity and no running water, she also had no
phone.

So. Needless to say, junkie housemaid was thrilled to
be of service and I was crossing my fingers and hoping
for the best as well because I have family coming into
town Wednesday and as my mother keeps phoning to tell
me, THAT HOUSE BETTER BE PERFECT OR the rest of the
family will find out via other family members not men-
tioned in this blog and the entire family will go down
into the pits of hell in bad housekeeping infamy.

Never a good thing.

On the first day I had junkie housekeeper back in my em-
ploy I got an additional cell phone for her to use so
that I could keep in touch with her ass. At any rate,
when she works for me, its fairly customary for her to
work a lot of hours (she needs the money, obviously)
around the clock, sleep in the extra room, then get up
and keep working. She has though, a rather vexing habit,
which I typically ignore, of calling it "her room" and be-
rather more than a little territorial about it. A little
odd, but whatever. Or so I've thought. Or really, you
know, hadn't put much thought into the subject at all.

to be continued

Any Reality Show Investors Out There?

Because I'm telling you right now, I could support an
entire show on my own. I Promise.

On Thursday I found out which one of my designer blouses
most perfectly shows off my new set of, my new... the girls.

What's more interesting is how that came about. For some
reason, call it temporary insanity, desperation, whatever,
I decided to let the junkie housekeeper take another run at
cleaning the house. It was in preparation for Dylan's up-
coming graduation from high school next Friday.

I asked my friend Valerie (who used to be the junkie house-
keeper's supervisor before our poultry plant fired her after
she robbed my house and stole my car) do you think things
could possibly really fuck up that badly if I let Jenny clean
for a few days if I was there all the time?

Valerie said, "Well, if you watched her really closely and
made sure she wasn't on meth, and paid her by the day I think
it might be ok..." Did I mention the part where I was des-
perate? Also, the fact that the junkie housekeeper has this
canny and supernatural ability to clean and organize such that
no other mortal has ever exhibited? Just sayin' It's not like
I was COMPLETELY insane, I did have my reasons...

Dylan, of course, being more of much more sound mind was against
bringing her back from the start. Would that I had listened to
the child.

to be continued