Untying the Gordian Knot...

Almost a Year since my Last Confession

2008-06-14T23:21:00.002-06:00

Hi All. I know I've been pretty scarce over the past
(almost) year. Truth is, I've been ill. I don't want
to really get into it, but I'm ok now. So, I'm back I
guess. Still recovering a bit, but everything seems
fine.

My mortgage company let me go without paying for eight
months, putting my payments on the back of their loan
(pretty cool of them I think), and I went completely
independent in my business and I managed to make enough
to get by.

My son is in college now and moved to Austin to attend,
but he is coming to see me on Tuesday so I'm pretty ex-
cited about that. anyway, that's it. Just an update.

Sometimes I Just Can't Help Myself

2007-07-13T16:02:00.000-06:00

Anyway, you know what they say,
sharing is caring.
Apparently, this gentleman felt
much the same... (shrug)

The Nebraska Man
and
His "Big Bonnet"

I'm Asking for Full Disclosure Here

2007-07-10T17:02:00.000-06:00

And I realize that it might be somewhat uncomfortable.
So to get you going. Err... started, I'm posting the
following video:

This is mostly directed at the guys, but girls can play
too certainly. How many of you will confess, even if
only anonymously, to having had some type of sexual en-
counter with an inanimate object not built for that pur-
pose?

To be completely candid, I was once a bit taken with the
water tower in my home town. Nothing ever came of it
though, the mechanics of it being a little tricky...

I REALIZE

2007-07-04T09:55:00.000-06:00

That the Dutch are famous for their live sex shows
and things of that nature. (For enough money, you
can get that in Boystown [in Nuevo Laredo], or New
Orleans too... Just sayin')

But they've sunk to an all-time low now. And I'm
not really blaming the Dutch. Just a certain
group of broadcasters. Who have come out with a
new reality series. I'm not joking with this.

WHO GETS THE KIDNEY

That's right. You, the viewer, gets to decide
whether Bob, Sally or Mary gets to go home with a
brand new organ or spend the rest of their misera-
bly short lives on dialysis.

How's that for entertaining the masses? Why are
we bothering with this drivel anyway? Aren't there
any Roman Colisseums free where we can just cut to
the really good stuff? You know, lions and tigers
mauling people to death, gladiators killing each
other for sport on live t.v.?

I have a question. Is the medical association so
loose in Holland that you can just bid an organ in
this manner and medical ethics there so lax that a
doctor would be willing to risk his license in this
manner?

Even in India where the sale of organs occurs daily,
doctors at LEAST make a show of not participating
in the practice by having the donors pretend to be
relatives of the recipients. So how is this getting
through the medical board?

Oh Yes

2007-07-03T11:40:00.000-06:00

The little Vids at the Bottom?

I'm just randomly changing out vids
with new vids I find amusing/interesting
annoying or whatever. I chose this vid
for a VARIETY of reasons. I am going to
list them in no particular order and be-
fore I get the hate mail, remember, I
never CLAIMED to be nice, nor did I say
I claim not to be an asshole.

1) I like Big Love a LOT
2) a WHOLE Lot.
3) I was wondering if ABC News would have
run the story if Ms. Nicholson had been less
say... attractive? Viewer appealing?
4) How far does that left tit have to stick
out of her shirt anyways, geez already, ABC!
5) This leads me to a further question. Has
Ms. Nicholson so embraced secular society
that she's gone in for a boob job? Cuz I'm
sorry, but if those are real I'll eat my...
I dunno, send in suggestions.
6) 'Course, I don't really care one way or
the other vis a vis the boob job/showing of
cleavage on national tv - just sayin'

The End of The Story...

2007-07-03T10:29:00.000-06:00

Well, a lot happened in that story and most of it is
either too boring or too obscene to write about. Suf-
fice it to say that I have learned a lot about junkies
in the past month or two. I believe I have earned an
honorary Phd. I used to worry sometimes, you know, on
account of the little painkiller dudads I have to take
from time to time for my migraines and such, that per-
haps I myself was a junkie. A scrip junkie I think
they call it.

But nah...

I feel totally better about myself now. Because I've
been spending some time hanging out with some real junk-
ies. Stupidly, I've even tried to help two or three
get clean - While they cleaned me out.

So helpfully, I've developed some criteria whereby the
weary traveler can measure himself and come to some con-
clusion about his or her status.
9475096

A Junkie Has no Soul
She sold it, along with a blow job,
for two dilaudids and a nickel bag.

And She would kick you in the head right
now for the chance to do it again.

A Junkie can pretend to care about you while
he's robbing you blind.

A junkie can rape you in your sleep and con-
vince himself that it was just because he
"loved you so much."

A Junkie can take the pain pills from cancer
patients and not even think twice.

A Junkie is always selfish.

And already very small.

And to borrow a line from a songwriter friend of
mine in Austin, sorry Dave, but your last name
escapes me at the moment, I'll post it later when
I retrieve it:

"I see my life in the bottom of a spoon..."
very small

Reality Continued...

2007-05-13T00:30:00.000-06:00

In the Morning. The rest of the story will follow
when I've had some sleep.

Reality Continued Part Four

2007-05-13T00:12:00.000-06:00

So at the point the Junkie Housekeeper starts to look a
little junked up she also stays home and stops answering
her phone. Wait, did I say her phone? No, I meant MY PHONE.
Right, because it is, after all, my phone that she is using.
Now it would be weird for her to be junked up because every-
thing I've paid her so far I have paid straight to her bills
and not to her, for exactly the reason that I did not want it
to be shot straight up her arm in the form of meth while she
was working for me. So... how would she get the money for
meth. I decided to have the new wannabe boyfriend tile guy
to take me to check-up on the junkie housekeeper and bring her
butt back to work.

So we go over to her house and I walk in on her and damned if
she isn't sitting at her table with a needle jammed up her arm
in the company of some known junk dealers with a needle that
looks very much like the brand needle I use to administer pro-
crit jammed up her arm (*note to self, throw out all syringes
in the house and buy new ones before next procrit purchase just
in case). By candlelight mind you. Remember, she doesn't have
electricity. So I take a candle and ask to use her bathroom.
I'm in there one hell of a long time. People start asking after
me. I tell them I'm ill, to leave me along. Hey, it takes a
LONG time to search someone's closet for all of your shit by
candlelight. Especially when you only have one candle and wax
is dripping down your arm. Because I know that meth wasn't free
and she has to be hawking my stuff for it.

I find a designer skirt of mine right off the bat. And tons of
office supplies. I call her in there to confront her privately
by telling her I need help. Nicely though, there are a lot of
dealers in the living room. One of them wants to take her with
them but I insist she is coming with me, propel her into the car,
and we leave. Me, her, and the wannabe bf tiler guy with the
weird propensity for giving jewelry to people he has just met.

She yells, screams and curses the entire way about how she had
to wear the skirt home one night because she got something on her
pants and about how I had left the office supplies in an old brief-
case I gave her. She was high so I didn't even bother arguing that
clearly a girl who weighs almost 300 lbs would hardly be able to
fit her ass into my skirt, that she is so heavy she broke my scale
this past week causing at first jubilation and then annoyance when
I realized that no, I did not actually lose down to 110 overnight,
and causing my son at first horror, and then relief that no, he did
not actually lose down to 120 overnight.

to be continued

Reality Continued Part 3

2007-05-12T23:49:00.000-06:00

Things went swell the first day or two and the house
was really coming along. Order from chaos (err... ok
fine, squalor. shut up already). Then the weirdness
started to occur. The junkie housekeeper started get-
ting picked up to go home at night by her various
people and she started doing this when I was asleep.
And she started looking a little, well, junkie. Or
junked up, more to the point.

Now. During this time, which was a space of really
only five or so days, I mentioned that also before
next Wednesday (yes, THIS NEXT Wednesday), Dylan and I
needed to paint and hand-install tile in his bedroom.

She had just met, but did not know all that well, this
guy who might be interested in the job. I agreed to
give him a whirl since he wasn't a good friend of hers.
(i.e. might not be a drug addict - although, many of
her friends aren't drug addicts. They run the gamut.)

So... the guy had an amazing breadth of knowledge on
tile and finishing work. He wasn't just talking shit,
he really knew his stuff. Also though, he seemed to
be very attracted to me which I didn't necessarily want
to encourage at that point although he wasn't all that
bad looking, but hey, I didn't really know the guy and
I wanted to get the work on my house done much more than
I wanted to any work done on... well, you get the point.

Plus, the junkie housekeeper seemed like she might have
little crush on him, and I didn't want to fuck things
with her up while I really needed her to clean.

Yeah, I'm a hopeless romantic you can tell.

So things get a little weird when the second or third day
the guy knows me he gives me a couple of moderately priced
(not really that expensive) diamond rings he happens to
have hanging around from other relationships and makes me
promise to consider going out with him after the remodeling.

Ok. I mean, guys are one thing, but I NEVER turn down jewel-
ry from anyone. It's something I live by. What do they call
those things? A creed or something? Nah, that's not it. Oh
I know. Vanity.

to be continued

Reality Continued Part 2

2007-05-12T23:25:00.000-06:00

Right. So. Against everyone's better judgement, includ-
ing my own, which I summarily suspended, I called "the
people who know" the junkie housekeeper, because after
three months out of my employ I found that in addition
to no electricity and no running water, she also had no
phone.

So. Needless to say, junkie housemaid was thrilled to
be of service and I was crossing my fingers and hoping
for the best as well because I have family coming into
town Wednesday and as my mother keeps phoning to tell
me, THAT HOUSE BETTER BE PERFECT OR the rest of the
family will find out via other family members not men-
tioned in this blog and the entire family will go down
into the pits of hell in bad housekeeping infamy.

Never a good thing.

On the first day I had junkie housekeeper back in my em-
ploy I got an additional cell phone for her to use so
that I could keep in touch with her ass. At any rate,
when she works for me, its fairly customary for her to
work a lot of hours (she needs the money, obviously)
around the clock, sleep in the extra room, then get up
and keep working. She has though, a rather vexing habit,
which I typically ignore, of calling it "her room" and be-
rather more than a little territorial about it. A little
odd, but whatever. Or so I've thought. Or really, you
know, hadn't put much thought into the subject at all.

to be continued

Any Reality Show Investors Out There?

2007-05-12T23:11:00.000-06:00

Because I'm telling you right now, I could support an
entire show on my own. I Promise.

On Thursday I found out which one of my designer blouses
most perfectly shows off my new set of, my new... the girls.

What's more interesting is how that came about. For some
reason, call it temporary insanity, desperation, whatever,
I decided to let the junkie housekeeper take another run at
cleaning the house. It was in preparation for Dylan's up-
coming graduation from high school next Friday.

I asked my friend Valerie (who used to be the junkie house-
keeper's supervisor before our poultry plant fired her after
she robbed my house and stole my car) do you think things
could possibly really fuck up that badly if I let Jenny clean
for a few days if I was there all the time?

Valerie said, "Well, if you watched her really closely and
made sure she wasn't on meth, and paid her by the day I think
it might be ok..." Did I mention the part where I was des-
perate? Also, the fact that the junkie housekeeper has this
canny and supernatural ability to clean and organize such that
no other mortal has ever exhibited? Just sayin' It's not like
I was COMPLETELY insane, I did have my reasons...

Dylan, of course, being more of much more sound mind was against
bringing her back from the start. Would that I had listened to
the child.

to be continued

General Annoyance & Disgust

2007-04-22T12:24:00.001-06:00

So. I am STILL on AOL. Yes, since 1997 when I first
became an online user. And I am here to tell you that
although I PAY for my account vis a vis a $14.95 monthly
piggyback fee that allows me a small break for using my
charter account as my main vehicle for accessing the in-
ternet and then piggybacking my AOL onto it, I should
not be paying for the current level of service provided
by AOL. Which would be, umm... None.

AOL has changed since they began offering their free ac-
counts to anyone and everyone. The service has changed.
It takes forever to resolve issues with them because they
simply no longer have the trained staffing that they used
to have. Or at least, that's my theory on why they are
doing such a terrible job.

Point in case: On April 16th, shortly after the VA TECH
shootings, I was posting on AOL's Message boards. Actually,
I was giving news updates for students who might still be
stuck in their rooms unable to leave. I figured some of
them may not have cable, but they all have computer modems,
and the campus probably has a wifi system.

People were as nasty as the people on AOL boards tend to be,
but pretty soon I noticed that others began to re: my posts
just to make sure students saw them amid the other hate-
filled posts which really weren't contributing very helpfully
to the situation. AOL's own reporting on the situation was
far behind the tv and radio news, so I hoped that students
who might be accessing message boards to get news would bene-
fit from the updates.

Let me just say that whenever I visit AOL message boards, ty-
pically not that often if I can help it, I become ever more
aware that we have become a nation of idiots. People were
griping about not getting the names of the dead fast enough
from the media. I posted in response that particularly as
VA TECH is a TECH SCHOOL, they were likely to have a fair
share of students on VISAS from other countries, making noti-
fication of family members more difficult and time-consuming
and that it would be irresponsible to start naming names only
to have a family find out about their loved one's demise on
the news instead of via proper notification.

Then a particularly nasty phenomenon, which I see often on
the message boards, began to reveal - posts which just basi-
cally slammed other races. There were apparent African-Amer-
icans rejoicing that it was "about time," that white students
became the victims of crime and virtually celebrating the
shooter's actions. Then there were counter bulletin board mes-
sages shouting racist epitaths and extremely hurtful things
against blacks (never-mind the fact that frequently AOL users
make up an "identity" and post under a false identity just to
incite such message board nastiness.) In other words, assuming
from a profile that the poster really is black just because
that poster SAYS he or she is African American is definitely
not a sure way to know what the facts are behind that poster's
demographic.

We've long heard about men who post pretending to be women (and
possibly vice-versa), but people seldom pause to think that
this is not the ONLY false demographic used online. Race, age
and others frequently figure in, particularly when posters wish
to portray someone of a different race from themselves in a ne-
gative light.

However, many message board posters are far to short-sighted
and basically, well, just too stupid understand that this oc-
curs. Apparently. And they get all torqued up by the posts.

So. What I saw to be a very dangerous situation soon unfolded.
A few posters, claiming to be black, vilified the VA TECH stu-
dents with messages about how happy said posters were that they
had been shot. This incited quite a little online riot, during
which I was alarmed to see that one poster, angered over this,
had gone onto another's poster's profile to get their real name,
which was apparently present on the profile. This poster then
accessed the EXACT PHYSICAL ADDRESS of this poster and published
it ONLINE, on the message board, apparently hoping that someone
would take physical revenge on the poster due to what that per-
son had said.

I was unable to ascertain WHICH of the "purported African Amer-
ican posters" this person was targeting as they did not list
the screenname with their post and several people had made dero-
gatory comments.

But it worried me, to see an actual address posted. Here is
that post:

Title of the post:
ok the address of one of the...
Mark Thread Read

#1 - 4/16/07 07:45 PM (Msg Id: 569889:9518)

by: "membernamedeletedbyme" to protect the moron"

Overall Rating:
by 1 raters

xxx xxx blvd apt x
xxx,la zipcode removed
someone has to be near him... a police car already
sits in the driveway !!!!!

Mark Message Unread | Notify AOL
Reply to Message

end of post

Note that the address was not blinded as I have done
but references an ACTUAL address in Jefferson Parish
Louisiana, down to the apartment number and basically
the post suggested that someone take a little trip
over to the address. I didn't think the poster was
hoping for a tupperware party, but rather that he was
suggesting (yes, I am assuming a "he," so sue me) that
some other AOL user nearby harm the poster he had tar-
geted.

So I responded to the post that posting someone's infor-
mation was dangerous and should not be done, etc., and
that anyone acting on said information would be culpable
as well as the original poster giving the info. (Don't
any of these people watch Law & Order!? Geez.)

Then I instant messaged the poster hoping he had just
made up the address. Here is THAT IM:

Begin IM - 4/16/2007 07:10 PM
Syd Whoever [7:10 P.M.]: hey
Syd Whoever [7:10 P.M.]: is that really the address
of someone on the board?
Hopelessmoron [7:11 P.M.]: yes it is
Syd Whoever [7:11 P.M.]: hold old are you
Hopelessmoron [7:11 P.M.]: thats what it is
Hopelessmoron [7:11 P.M.]: y
Syd Whoever [7:11 P.M.]: Because I want to give you
the WHAT WERE YOU THINKING speech
Hopelessmoron [7:12 P.M.]: go ahead
Syd Whoever [7:12 P.M.]: and i am hoping that you
are just too young and stupid to think about the pos-
sible eventualities from doing that
Hopelessmoron [7:12 P.M.]: what?
Hopelessmoron [7:12 P.M.]: hopefully what they
deserve
Hopelessmoron [7:12 P.M.]: maybe a bullet in their
head?
Syd Whoever [7:13 P.M.]: To be killed for something
they said on a message board?
Syd Whoever [7:13 P.M.]: That's why you posted that?
Hopelessmoron [7:13 P.M.]: fuck off!!!!
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: See where I'm going with
this. Now I am hoping you were just too young and
stupid to think about that.
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: Also. What if you really
did think that.
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: What if a police officer
gets killed responding to it.
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: Did you think about THAT.
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: OR a passer by.
Syd Whoever [7:14 P.M.]: Or a neighbor.
Syd Whoever [7:16 P.M.]: As the original poster,
they would put you in jail
Syd Whoever [7:16 P.M.]: as culpable for inciting
the entire thing.
Hopelessmoron signed off at 7:18 P.M.

Ok. so EXPLICITLY NOW this guy is telling me he posted
the address in the hope that this person would "get a
bullet in the head." Nice.

But here's the bad part. Right, you thought that was
the bad part but NOOOOOOOOOOO...

So I contact AOL's Community Action Team online. Wait.
FIRST, I hit the notify AOL button on the post. Because
obviously, they needed to remove that post with the addy
ASAP before some angry poster living nearby really did
decide to dispense what they saw as justice.

Nothing happened. The post was not removed. So THEN I
went online to AOL's community action team. They ASSURED
me they would handle it. I was not assured. I demanded
a phone number for AOL's CAT. Which I received. And I
called it in. Then I said that I wanted to email them
the IM as well as the post just to ensure the safety of
the targeted poster. I was given an email addy for a Sup-
ervisor working for AOL's CAT.

As of today, that supervisor has yet to even open my email.

THAT'S RIGHT.

As far as I know, the address is still up and available.
The user posting it remains an active account with AOL, so
it would appear that no action has been taken to help this
user targeted on AOL boards.

On the night of the 16th, I did call Jefferson Parish, LA
to report this and to request notification of the user that
his or her address was online and to report the safety issue.
The response was less than enthusiastic and I was not, and am
not, at all certain they even notified that individual of the
potential danger. In fact, the dispatcher told me I should
contact the FBI instead of the Sherriff's Department there.
I asked if she really wanted to put the safety of this person
in the hands of an agency who would probably not look at the
report right away? She reluctantly agreed to take a report
and to see about perhaps notifying this individual. You know,
if a deputy had time, and IF the person happened to be home
when they went by. I left my number and have received nothing
by the way of a response. I don't know if they did anything
at all.

Now, one would think that in light of the recent deaths at
VA TECH AOL would be pretty enthused about the possibility
of averting more tragedy. Apparently not.

So this morning, I did the only thing I could think of to
make sure this person is safe. I emailed everything to CNN,
MSNBC and the FBI.

And I'm still not very... optimistic.

I Have NEWS

2007-04-15T17:55:00.000-06:00

For all those concerned about the amount of:
Drinking & Debauchery
on local campuses in the wake of the Duke case. Or rather,
the NON-case. As a certain verse in Proverbs goes --
"There is nothing new under the sun." And there's nothing
new on college campuses either. I went to college, well,
quite some time ago and I'm amazed I didn't manage com-
plete ablation of my hepatic system during those years.

And of those calling for a lower profile for college athletes,
or for finding that their influence is somehow more immoral,
drunken or depraved than the rest, I don't think so.

I hung out with all groups in college, chameleon that I am,
finally settling for the alternative crowd. The Greeks were
too straight-laced, and many of the jocks were too stupid,
but I went to all of their parties and certainly, they were
proportionally represented at the clubs every night.

And every night WAS party night in college, even then.
And a good many participated in binge drinking and drugs
of all variety. Our favorite hometown haunt was this
place named "Strutz." Sundays and Mondays were the only
nights it seemed relatively quiet. Tuesdays were Ladies
Night, Wednesdays were - I don't remember, something -
Thursdays were All You Can Drink, Friday's were TGIF,
Saturdays were just plain, Hey, we're all paying to get
drunk.

I didn't attend a public high school, but rather, a small
very quiet and sheltered religious school. From which
I matriculated with all possible haste at the age of sixteen
or so. Nobody drank there. Or did drugs of any type.
I wanted to get that clean living experience behind me
as quickly as possible. The first time I got drunk I was
sixteen. I did it on purpose. I'd never been drunk before.
Always the researcher.

I'd had a glass of wine here and there at Thanksgiving -
we weren't Baptists after all - but nobody in my family
(at least not the one I was raised in) has ever had any
issues with alcohol, nobody smokes, etc. - and alcohol
really wasn't a very prominent fixture around my house
when I was growing up. There wasn't really a judgement
passed on it either way.

So I wanted to see what it was be drunk. I knew on an
intellectual level, of course, but I wanted to experience it
for myself. I had six dollars.

An older girlfriend of mine bought me a bottle of the
cheapest, lousiest bourbon you will ever find. I drank it
with Coke. Quickly. On an empty stomach. I drank
six shots in thirty minutes. Then I spent the next thirty
puking them back up again. Hadn't counted on that.
Then I passed out. That was fun.

While working on my undergraduate, I did succeed in
building up quite a prodigious tolerance during my atten-
dance, what with all the clubs and parties and spring
breaks over the next two or three years. Which I lost,
of course, upon becoming pregnant with my son. I've
never gotten that amazing tolerance back again because
I just don't drink very much except when I'm out socially
or on business, and even then I can only have a couple of
drinks because my tolerance IS so lousy now. So I suppose
you do tend to follow your parents patterns for the most
part in terms of habit and diet and the like.

But. I do not see that there could POSSIBLY be an in-
crease over the amount of drugs and alcohol present on
campuses when I was an undergraduate and the amount
present now. People just like to talk about cleaning it up
every few years. What I really WONDER is where the
parents are when those college students are in high school.

My son knows one other student in his grade who does not
either smoke, drink or do drugs. ONE.

And she's the daughter of a police officer who was amazed
to pull my son over one night for a field sobriety test at 3am
after a party only to have him request a breathalizer instead.
He blew what may be a record 0.0. Last night, he took that
girl to the Senior Prom - They were beautiful.

Updated Rules to The Boys Club

2007-04-15T09:29:00.000-06:00

I watched with much bemusement, note that I said "be-
musement," and not, "amusement," the entire Imus/Rut-
gers controversy play out this pay week. There is a huge
problem here. Some of the men in the U.S. have forgotten
to update their "Rules to the Boys Club." And that, my
friend, is a fatal mistake. And one:

That Don Imus learned Very Painfully

Not that he hasn't had some practice. He's been slapped
on the wrist before. Warning Signs. He should have paid
attention. So all of you are wondering. Are there REALLY
a set of UPDATES to the clubhouse rules? Yes. Yes. There
ARE. So many of you seem to have forgotten them though
so I'm offering a refresher course.

1. Referring in a derisive fashion to the race, or sexual orien-
tation of anyone who is not white or who does not wear a
chastity belt to cover their anus will destroy your career
forever. And ever. And ever. And ever.

a. Unless you're a rapper. In which case, you already have
your own rules which I can scarcely begin to decode. Some-
thing about affectionately putting down other people you
should be building up... Whatever. Also, its commonly ac-
cepted that members of one race can refer to other members
of their race in a derogatory fashion for purposes of humor
(and sometimes this is quite humorous i.e. George Lopez,
Eddie Murphyc) or for any other reason so desired. Do not
try to be cool and mimic this if you are white.

You are not cool. You will never be funny. And you
will probably get your ass beat and lose your career.

b. black rappers perpetuate the idea that black women like to
be referred to as "ho's," and other terms which I will not go in-
to here. If you are some race other than black, do not try to
use these terms just because you have seen black women buy
these cd's. Refer to the last two lines in a. for the consequences
of such behavior.

c. There is that old adage, "No publicity is bad publicity except
for a live boy or a dead girl." Wealthy or famous members of
the boys club will be happy to know that DESPITE what is seen
as the progression of women's rights in the United States, you
can still get away with killing one if you are famous enough or
if you have enough money. Curiously, many rich and celebrity
defendents have been found guilty of raping women (think Mike
Tyson, and Max Factor heir Andrew Luster). Might as well kill
'em I guess, that seems to be a sure thing.

Incidentally, minority members of the Boys Club will be happy
to know that minority member status in the Boys Club in no way
detracts from the Rich and Celebrity aspect of this truth. That's
right. Money and Fame trump race.

*I forgot to mention. No matter how rich and famous you are.
You cannot kill little boys after molesting them. Hello! They're
boys. That is, smaller men. With all of the value our society
placed on men. You know, TWICE AS MUCH as women? So
although you can probably stay out of jail for a little molestation,
you're going to get the death penalty for molesting and killing a
little boy. It would seem that the same holds true for little girls,
although... there does seem to be a history of leniency in molesta-
tion cases as long as they aren't, you know, "harmed."

d. When running for Gubenatorial office, it really isn't ok any-
more to make homey jokes to the press that compare the weath-
er to rape. Even in Texas.
Bad weather's like rape, "as long as it's inevitable, you might as
well lie back and enjoy it." Clayton Williams -- from the 1990
Texas Gubenatorial Race.

Now some say that the real moment he lost that race is not that
quote, although it didn't help him out any, but when he refused
to shake Ann Richard's hand during one of their political debates
while running for office.

*Note to Boy's Club members. People will forgive you for visit-
ing the "Chicken Ranch," An old-time brothel in LaGrange - re-
ortedly a past favorite haunt of Claytie's, but people will never
forgive you for failing to be a gentleman. The public hates a cad.
We want our men to look like heros. We really don't care if they
measure up. It's all about perception. And anyway, boys will be
boys. Yes, America does really still believe in that one.

sighing - Clayton is a cousin of some sorts to me. And that should
come as no surprise to anyone.

e. It is ok to have affairs. I know. You're shocked! Here's the deal.
They call them MISTRESSES! They have to be well aware of their
role from the get-go. Also, you have to pay. You have to make them
most comfortable. ESPECIALLY, after you are through with them.
And, to cancel all risk to yourself, you have to pass them along to
someone superior to yourself when you are through dallying.
Yes, generally there are people seen as superior to you. If you don't
know who they are, just ask a few female friends.

Doing this will allow your mistress to avoid that time period of grieving
where ordinarily she might plot your utter demise. Actually, this is
best done without her knowledge. Let me restate that. Women are
smarter than you. Without her implicit knowledge. Invite the super-
ior friend over for sailing or pool or whatever it is that your boys club
does, with the Mistress, and let her think she's discovered him. Trust
me, if your other female friends think he's superior, so will she.

Yes, this takes some humility on your part, but the girl who was once
your Mistress probably won't remember your name next week, and
therefore you have "passed on the risk." Actually, this works with
girlfriends also when you don't want a messy breakup. So to recap,
Trading a girl up because you aren't good enough for her is always a
good way to move on. Now the girl is grateful to you, won't remember
your name next week and the next gentleman has adopted the risk.

ummm... a piece of advice. Think about your position in the world
and whether "trading up" is really an option for you. If you are the
busboy at the local diner, it will be easy. For Bill Clinton it certainly
wasn't.

More next time...

Make My Day

2007-04-13T22:37:00.000-06:00

Did you know?

That Clint Eastwood ran for mayor of of Carmel California ?
I know. You already knew that. So did I. Everyone knows
that. He was sworn into office in 1986. Ok, so those of you
born after 1986 may not have known that. Or those you who
were toddling around in diapers in 1986, but anyway.

I'll bet you didn't know this though. He made some rather
large changes during his tenure in Carmel. Not the least of
which, in my estimation, was to repeal the law that says (or
said) that you can't eat ice cream on the sidewalk. You have
to wonder what kind of nazi would pass that law in the first
place. Maybe it was passed back in the days when all of the
women wore those long ground sweeping skirts, and they
didn't want to have to drag them through puddles of melted
mint chocolate chip...

It's kind of like the modern day equivalent of "no skateboards
on the sidewalk." The latest spoiler of children's fun.

Good One

2007-03-18T15:10:00.000-06:00

Those who know me well know that I am nothing if not
even-handed. So I must give props to the shrubster
(or his writers), whomever, for the following quotes.
I have been having no small amount of fun with my
little GW Bush Quote re-generator. So many mala-
propisms, so little time...

However, the following two quotes represent perhaps
the only two times that I find that Bush said something
that I find to be genuinely laugh out loud funny, some-
times even at his own expense. That is to say, he said
something clever. Twice.

Oh sure, it was four years years apart and the man
is the leader of the greatest civilized country in the
world, but what do you want from him anyway?
Don't answer that. I don't have enough space in my
comment section. It was merely rhetorical in nature.

With no further ado:

I always jest to people, the Oval Office is the kind of
place where people stand outside, they're getting ready
to come in and tell me what for, and they walk in and
get overwhelmed in the atmosphere, and they say, man,
you're looking pretty.

--George w. Bush Washington, DC11/04/2004

now obviously, GW heard this somewhere, or it was
written for him. It doesn't fit his pattern of speech.
But it's funny as hell. And even more than that, oh so
true. And after having already spent four years in
office, Bush must have also seen this phenomenon
first-hand many many times.
------------------------------------
"We just had some really good news out of Yugoslavia.
I'm especially pleased that Mr. Milosevic has stepped
down. That's one less Polyslavic name for me to remem-
ber."
- George W. Bush October 19, 2000 Speaking at the
Al Smith Dinner in New York.

This one is great on several levels. First, Bush got
creamed during his first campaign, and rightly so, for
his gross lack of knowledge about foreign affairs. So
poking fun at himself in this rather good natured way
is both funny and shows good humor and good sports-
manship. Also, it lightens the mood and really zings
Milosevic, refusing to give him ANY importance at
all, and essentially, buffooning and poking fun at him.
Which befits someone responsible for such genocide.

Milosevic definitely should not have been given any
serious respect upon stepping down. His stepping
down was merely a nicety. Like being asked if you
want to tun in your resignation when you're really
being fired. That is, if after your firing, you are go-
ing to be imprisoned, tried for war crimes, and ex-
ecuted (if your chronic illness doesn't getcha first).
cide.

So good on Bush for that quote as well. And...
This may be about the most positive thing you ever
hear me say about the Shrubster.

This Is Definitely Not a Good Example

2007-03-08T16:55:00.000-06:00

of one hand washing the other. Yes,
I'm aware that's a pejorative saying.
In fact,
The Right Hand & The Left Hand,

They are still found on the same
body right?

I'll have to finish this one later be-
cause I just don't have time to fully
respond to this ludicrous situation
right now.

News From Russia

2007-03-08T01:37:00.000-06:00

So I'm just wonderin'
You know, as I often will.
Wonder about things I mean.
Just HOW stupid you would have to be
to READ this news story and not know
that one of these two women worked for
the CIA? I mean, as they say on Seinfeld,
"Not That There's Anything Wrong
With That..."

I Am Totally

2007-03-07T01:50:00.000-06:00

With the whole wanting a baby thing. I dont know why. Its all I
can do not to go up and snatch my sister's kid. I mean, he's fam-
ily. He even has some of my dna. I even feel a little entitled.
I'm sure she and her husband and the other grands would have
a little something to say about that though. ;)

So. Unless I can convince someone to be a surrogate with the eggs
I have left, I've been thinking about signing up as a foster-adopt.
It seems like Dylan and I take people in anyway, we might as well
do it a more formal manner. Its not as though I don't know my
way around that system, its what I did for a living for ten years.

It's A Sickness Really

2007-03-06T23:48:00.000-06:00

This posting of one's relatives online. I'm going to ask the

doctor if they have a patch or something out for it soon.

I promise.

SQUISHY FACE

2007-03-06T21:38:00.000-06:00

Yes. THIS is the photo that will haunt him for the

REST of his life. His aunt will make certain of that

one. My nephew Roan. That is one GREAT photo!

My sister Michael below.

I Can't Help Myself

2007-03-05T21:25:00.000-06:00

"They're seeking chemical, biological, and nucular weapons."
- George W. Bush November 6, 2001 Speaking from the White
House via satellite to Central European leaders gathered in
Warsaw, the President is referring to the goals of the Al-Qaida
terrorist group. Aired on ABC Evening News.

"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is im-
portant. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children
living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."
- George W. Bush October 24, 2000 From speech delivered
in Arlington Heights, Illinois.

"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is
sometimes until we get an objective analysis."
- George W. Bush April 15, 2000 Comment made on
NBC's Meet the Press.

"I did denounce it. I de --- I denounced it. I denounced the
interracial dating. I denounced anti-Catholic bigacy --- bigotry."
- George W. Bush February 25, 2000 The candidate responding
to criticism that he visited Bob Jones University.

"You saw the president yesterday. I thought he was very forward-
leaning, as they say in diplomatic nuanced circles."
- George W. Bush July 23, 2001 Referring to his meeting with
President Vladimir Putin of Russia.

I Just Noticed...

2007-03-05T18:23:00.000-06:00

They all have such long necks.
I never had a chance.

Fuck you. I'm allowed to be oblique.
It IS my name after all.

I Am So Weirded Out

2007-03-05T13:58:00.000-06:00

Over these news stories about expensive dinners. So what if Kanye
West eats $3900 worth of Curry? I am actually surprised you can
fly Curry in from Wales for $3900 to tell you the truth. I would
have charged one hell of a lot more to go to all of that trouble. But
then again, I'd look a lot better carrying the Curry.

Seriously though. Are there really so few people in the U.S. who
have blown a lot on dinner and some wine? Let me rephrase. Are
there seriously so few people in the U.S. who have gotten some guy
to blow that much on dinner and some wine? I KNOW I am not
THAT privileged. There are some people in Beverly Hills scarfing
down some awfully good food every night and washing it down with
some overpriced bottles of Opus One.

Back to the Opus One, did you know that a blonde with big tits can
actually present a receipt for 12 bottles of wine that says they cost
$212 and are a gift from her boss at the Canadian border and pay
substantially less tax even though it turns out that perhaps the bot-
tles really ARE Opus One and the like? Nobody notices. Then again,
I'm not a blonde. And the Canadians are probably way too smart
for that. Just sayin'

I Think The Time Has Come

2007-03-04T23:19:00.000-06:00

For me to tell all of you something. Nicolette Sheridan is in
Desperate Need. Get it? Desperate? Ha! I amuse myself.
Which is such a good thing, because so few others do. At any
rate though, the woman is in dire need of, yes. A face lift.

She now has that rather unfortunate California blonde
alcoholic chardonnay look going. And it is not pleasant.
But, you say to me - she is PLAYING a blonde chardonnay
alcoholic. She is probably only suffering for her work. I
have this to say in response. If this look is Nicolette suf-
fering for her work, then she makes Nicole Kidman's trans-
formation in "The Hours" look like amateur day. I think
you get my point. But, you say to me, you are such a bitch!
Yes. So true. And a shallow one at that. Where were we?

I first noticed the crumple about oh, ten or twelve years
ago. Why is this always so much more obvious in blondes?
I was saddened. Yes, saddened I tell you. Because despite
all appearances to the contrary I am never happy about
the loss of beauty. Except in anyone that one of my exes
happens to be dating or say... married to presently. But
other than that I hate it when beauty fades. In anyone.

And Nicolette Sheridan was uncommonly beautiful. Breath-
takingly so. She was simply a gorgeous creature in her prime.
And I still think with a good doc and a little conservative sur-
gery with some fine dermabrasion or other skin aftercare she
could once again be fairly wonderful looking. Something she is
not pulling off well at the moment. And yes, the above photo
DOES look nice. But it is oh so air brushed. I dare you to watch
her on HDTV without cringing. Someone needs to sit her down
and talk to her. Do not go gently into that good night Nicolette,
or is it quietly? Either way, don't do it!

Thank you, that is my vapid post of the evening.

It's My Birthday

2007-02-27T20:42:00.000-06:00

tomorrow. So Dylan and Tommy (who's Tommy you ask? - just
another kid I picked up in my spare time. You can never have
enough you know.) Anyway. They brought home my birthday
present. A few hours early of course. Kind of cool though.

Prison Tycoon. That's right. A computer game where I get to
make and build my own online prison. And if I'm pissed with some-
one, I can just stick them in there. I like it.

And Tenacious-D. Some kind of double DVD thing. In the pick
of Destiny. Good presents both. Good job Dylpickle.

It Should Not Come as a Surprise

2007-02-18T14:46:00.000-06:00

to anyone, that I believe in libraries. By that, I mean that I be-
lieve in the sanctity of libraries. I believe in the work that they
do. Librarians frequently spend long hours for very little thanks
in order to open up a world of knowledge and history to anyone
who cares to partake. And unless you bring your items back
late, by and large, that world comes to you free.

I am not talking about school librarians here, I should hasten to
say. In general I've found that school librarians tend to attempt
to censor the world rather than open it up. They enjoy the short
hours afforded by the student schedule. And I can't remember
a time when one of them had a kind word to say. They are kind
of like school counselors. They may WORK at the school, but they
don't like the kids. And trust me, I have spent large VOLUMES
of time in libraries of all sorts. Public libraries, school libraries,
and otherwise. What kinds of other libraries have I visited?
Just never you mind.

When I was little growing up in Telluride, Colorado our library was
a very small room, perhaps 15 by 18 feet or so. I had read almost
every book in that library by the time I was in second or third
grade. Right, so I didn't have many friends. Shut up.

Anyway, I could never get my hands on enough books. I could
go anywhere without being bored if I had enough books with me.
To this day, I believe that I could exist in solitary confinement
as long as I had an endless supply of reading material of my
choice.

At some point during my pre-pubescent years, Judy Blume
wrote a book that, at the time, was controversial. Riddled with
pubescent angst about periods and training bras, it was called:
"Are You There God, It's Me Margaret."

Some school librarians refused to carry it. Some parents pro-
tested it. I lived in Telluride, easily the most liberal small town
in the nation at the time. There was no such fuss at our small
school. I read it. I was not terribly impressed. My own
mother had already explained the facts of life to me, along
with the proper anatomical terms and I didn't have any prob-
lems talking to God. I didn't always feel he listened very well,
but talking? Never a big problem for me.

But there was a HUGE uproar over this book, and also over
"Catcher in The Rye," and, "Lord of the Flies," and a few others
whose names I scarcely remember anymore. In fact, at that
time, many people in the South, fundamentalists in the religious
right, and the same groups in the midwest, actually burned
books and music frequently at big bonfires. Along with Ouija
boards, tarot cards and the like. Anything which smacked
of what was called, "the occult," and any books or music which
were considered either, "satanic," or "too worldly or secular."

On a very personal level, I'm against destroying expressions
of art. Particularly if it is the work of others. Art, whether it
be painting, music or writing, is something that really is of-
fered up and shared. It is supposed to be evocative in some
manner. It is something that people can come to and exper-
ience and the experience is a perpetual communication for
as long as that piece of work exists. And it is a different exper-
ience for each person, because no one person brings the same
set of values, sensibilities, life experiences and aesthetics to
the piece. And it is a different experience each time the same
person revisits the work, because they see new things in it,
and because they are not the same as the were the time be-
fore.

Of course, I'm speaking as if all works of writing and objects
of art and musical compositions are great works that we must
not miss. Anyone who has had to sit through an open-mike
on poetry night knows that this is unfortunately FAR from
being true. My point is, however, that it is not up to any of us
to censor for others, what should or should not be on that smor-
gasboard of selections. (Barring of course those items not in-
volving consenting adults, and anything at all in which teddy
bears are dressed up in baby doll clothes and then photo-
graphed for posters with cute sayings on the bottom. Also, I
think that possibly purple unicorns should be - What, too far?
ok.ok.) Anyway, I'm sure you get my point. Well, I'm not sure,
but you should. The world would be a much better place if
everyone would.

All of that preface was really just window dressing for these
two stories. Yes, told by others, you don't have to listen to
much more of me right now.

How petty and stupid are we as a society to fuss about an ana-
tomical term that every third grader should ALREADY know in:

THIS

When people are dying just to have the privilege of working with
books & archives and making certain that these resources are
still available in:

THIS

Americans really are quite the spoiled and ridiculous lot some-
times. Whining about the most minuscule things as if they were
really important somehow. I read something like that last article
and it makes me feel ashamed of ever complaining about my own
life.

FINALLY!

2007-02-16T18:29:00.000-06:00

A beautiful woman with some real CURVES makes the cover
of a magazine! We need to see a whole lot more of this, and
far fewer of the anemic, anorexic models that have seemed
to proliferate Hollywood of late with their bony frames, sun-
ken faces, and breastbones that jut out unnaturally from their
emaciated chests. There is nothing sexy about starvation
and deprivation.

BEYONCE

MORE BEYONCE

Alrighty Then

2007-02-14T20:38:00.000-06:00

So. It's been a very long time since I've been depressed. I
mean, a really long time. I pay good money for medication just
to avoid that sort of thing. And it works usually. And everything.
So I am really pissed to be going through it right now. Because if
there is anything I hate, it's pain. Physical or emotional. And be-
ing the impatient type, I don't enjoy waiting around for it to go
away. Again, with either type. Not into that, "time is the best
healer," crap. I mean, I know its true. I just don't LIKE it.

So, I'm trying to sell a lot of chicken. Because making money?
Always makes me happy. That's right. I'm shallow like that.
And I'm in the process of setting up some dates. Nothing like
appeals to the ego from men to make one feel better as well.
Oh. And I went shopping today. Lots of new clothes. Retail
therapy. Always helpful. And the hair. Getting that done to-
morrow. Let's see. What other superficial, vapid thing can
I do... Maybe a good wax or dermabrasion. I've been consi-
dering some collagen injections. I'll keep you updated.

How Accurate Is The News?

2007-02-10T18:06:00.000-06:00

Shame on you CNN! You may or may not have seen a
story running today on CNN's Headline News about
a $25,000 Dinner that was prepared by Chefs flown
into Bangkok for 40 diners.

THE MENU
IS INSANE
WHAT I WOULD NOT GIVE TO BE A TASTER...
AT THIS EVENT!
!!!!OMG!!!!

WAIT! Don't follow the next link! The one below!!!
Until you read the rest of what I have to say here.
Nooooo! Naughty Naughty. Don't even THINK about
touching...

your mouse.

Seriously. To see what CNN did, you have to do this
in the right order. Or it won't have the same effect.
Trust me on this, ok? Read this blog first.

MEAL OF A LIFETIME

CNN would have you believe that diners flew to
Bangkok to eat a meal prepared by the best chefs
in the world and in return, paid a sum of $25,000
apiece. And, that said meal was filled with fare
exquisite to the eye and palate, from near and
far, and wine of supreme vintage, bottles of which
have rarely, if ever, been gathered together and
drunk under one roof, at one time, during one
event. And. Everything that CNN says is true.
Except. That this is where their story ends.

And this is neither the beginning nor the ending
of the story. In fact, its not even a good rep-
resentation of a portion of the story. In my es-
timation.

So let's talk about the real story that CNN should
have covered had they felt like engaging in some
broadcast journalism today. This dinner was NOT
put together by a bunch of "foodies" who wanted
to see how much exotic food they could cram into
their faces for twenty-five grand. Because I've
got to tell you, for that amount, even with the
wine, you could hire one of the chefs who partici-
pated, buy the ingredients, and have him come to
your kitchen. True, if it was just you alone, you
might not have been able to afford the food and
every single bottle of wine on the menu, but
bring along one or two of the other guests at 25k
a pop and you'd have been set.

But THAT was not what THIS dinner was about.
This project was conceived for a two-prong pur-
pose. To promote tourism in Thailand while rais-
ing money for two extremely important charities
that benefit impoverished Thai people. The fab-
ulous food and wine was just a neat way to attract
donors, have them actually visit Thailand so that
they could see the place to which they were con-
tributing, and have a once in a lifetime decadent
unforgettable, sinfully fantastical 10 course meal
to boot.

But let's talk about those charities for a minute.
Since CNN could apparently give a damn.

1. The first is: Medecins Sans Frontieres - Trans-
lated into English, that organization is:
Doctors Without Borders. Right.
NOW it seems pretty familiar to you, I'm sure.
Here are some links though, just in case you've
slept through the last decade and have never
heard of it:

Doctors Without Borders - U.S. Site

Doctors Without Borders - International Site

2. The second charity is: The Chaipattana Foun-
dation - While I immediately recognized the first
charity, as I can read French, I had not heard of
this charity, so I looked it up. Chaipattana is a
Charitable Foundation set up by the King of Thai-
land in an attempt to deal with the massive pover-
ty and health crisis in his country by encouraging
development from within his country. Unlike many
sovereigns, this King does not raid the treasury
for his own gain, instead, in what has to be an
ALL-TIME royal first for any nation, he has used
his OWN money to help his impoverished country-
men.

This has lent global support to his efforts to spur
economic development. Before providing these
links, let me preface this by saying that when you
visit these sites it will at first appear a little
amusing to those of us who are American, because
we are not used to having Sovereign Rulers and Kings
(although some of our rulers have seemed to appear
to THINK they were sovereign - but that's for another
post).

So if you look at any of these links it may
at first appear unusual to you the deference to which
the writers refer to the King. The Beloved King, His
Majesty, His Majesty the King, etc. are titles always
used when referring to the King of Thailand. It would
appear though, that he is doing very good work and
really IS beloved by his people. A rare thing indeed.

This first link explains how the King gave his own
money to begin a foundation whose purpose was the
development of the country, particularly in terms of
rice paddies, farming, and helping the Thai people to
develop their own food sources for the future.

Embassy Explains Foundation Development

The Chaipattana Foundation

News article about The Chaipattana Foundation

By the way, the King of Thailand appears to be an
interesting chap all 'round. He is multi-lingual, has
I'm not certain how many degrees (more than one at
any rate), and is an engineer. He wasn't supposed to
be the King. That fell to his brother. He wasn't pre-
pared to be the King. And yet, since his brother died
and he became the new King by default, he has become
a ruler of extreme longevity whom the Thai people seem
t0 love and respect.

The King of Thailand

But back to the charities,
I know that in addition to attending to disease preven-
tion, which is a primary concern, Doctors without Bor-
ders also provides surgical intervention for children
born with facial and spinal deformities, who would oth-
erwise never have the opportunity for such medical in-
tervention. It is a marvelous organization. All of
the physicians who work for them volunteer their time
and are unpaid for their efforts. By the way, the web-
site has a volunteer area should anyone care to give
of their time.

Now we can look at the money. This dinner was set
up for forty people. There was a last minute problem
though. On New Year's Eve, several bomb blasts shook
Bangkok. Three people were killed. Thirty-eight people
were wounded. Nine of the wounded were from coun-
tries other than Thailand, on vacation, work, or what-
haveyou. Muslim extremists are the favorite suspects,
but truly, nobody knows who was behind it, and if the
authorities have any real idea, they aren't in a sharing.
mood. After the blasts, people visiting from abroad
were warned to leave in statements issued by many
foreign governments. Not exactly a boon to Thailand's
already broken economy.

New Year's Bomb Attack

In the wake of the bombing, the ten diners from Japan
decided that the security risk was too high, and they
bowed out of the event. So at the last minute, ten ad-
ditional people had to be found. Ten people who didn't
mind sitting next to next to Americans for dinner. Might
as well pin a bulls eye to your back these days. But
the seats were filled. Forty total Diners.

Now, even I can do basic math. 40 x $25,000 per plate =
WOW! A million dollars!

Ok. So I don't know if the vendors for the wine and food
donated the items as their contribution to the charity
event (frequently, this is done) or not, but even if the 200k
wine tab was removed, and the food deducted, I'd still say
there was a fair amount left for charity.

Which brings me, finally, (is anyone still with me on this ride?)
to my point. Why didn't CNN EVER MENTION that the
proceeds of this meal were going to be channeled to these
two fabulous charity organizations? If they had mentioned
the charities every time they ran the story can you imagine
how much good that might have done by bringing attention
to the charities? I'm not even certain they mentioned Thai-
land, the entire REASON for the event!

You'd have at the very least thought that they might have
mentioned this very NEWS-WORTHY part of this story. The
fact that the ten Japanese diners pulled out because of secur-
ity concerns due to the January bombings. That would have
made a GREAT story. I would love to have seen that story.

Ever wonder how safe it is to travel internationally right now
and which countries are considered the most volatile vs. the
most safe when you're looking to spend your frequent flyer
miles? I do. Ever wonder how many people are killed every
year while traveling (whether on business or pleasure) in for-
eign countries? I wonder about that all the time when I'm
thinking of planning vacations. That would have been a great
story and they could have tied it in with this one, using the
Japanese diners as a preface.

It would have been timely. Westerners have found them-
selves in danger in places other than the middle east.
Were you aware, for instance, that two Italian women were
stoned to death yesterday while vacationing off Cape Verde?
(off the coast of Africa) And that the third only survived
because the perpetrators thought she was dead? Of course
you weren't. CNN didn't tell you that on any of their headline
news segments. They were too busy reporting fluff stories
about $25,000 meals, and they couldn't even get those pieces
right. I'm not too busy though.

Here's a link: Three Italian Women Stoned at Cape Verde

So how accurate is the news? With the mere holding back of
a couple of key pieces of information, the story CNN aired
about the $25,000 per plate dinner CNN is turned on its
head. It makes the diners out to be gluttonous hedonists, as
opposed to philanthropists willing to visit a country in need
of their help, at their own personal risk, and donate funds
in the name of charity. And yep. In return, they are treated
to hopefully what will be the best meal of their lives.

CNN, DOUBLE SHAME ON YOU! One for each charity.

By the way, You can follow that link now.

Anna Anna Anna Anna Anna Nicole

2007-02-10T02:26:00.000-06:00

So actually, I've really been upset by Anna Nicole
Smith's death. I always liked Anna Nicole. I admired
her. She took a lot of heat for doing whatever the
hell she wanted to do. I think a lot of her entertain-
ment persona was calculated on her part. Perhaps so
much that it became a part of her, or difficult for
her to turn off when she wasn't in front of the camera,
but it was staged nonetheless. Which was brilliant.
That's one of the things I liked about her.

I wasn't, however, really crazy about this latest incar-
nation of her with Howard Stern. She seemed to be not
at all herself with him, and also, following the death
of her son. But I think Stern used the death of her
son to prey upon her at a time when she was weak and
needed support. Ok. So -

Let me just say at the outset that I don't like Howard
Stern. I think he did much to isolate Anna Nicole Smith
and to get her really screwed up on drugs. I think its
instructive that the drugs found in her hotel room had
HIS name on them. Also, that the drugs given to her
son were apparently from his stash of prescriptions.
Also, he had such control over all of her actions that
her nurse was afraid to call EMS without going through
him. Which in and of itself may have cost her any chance
she had of surviving the episode in her hotel room when
she first lost consciousness. Who knows what might have
happened if the nurse had called EMS right away instead
of calling Stern and then waiting for Stern to call back
as she wasn't able to reach him right away. Stern must
have been VERY controlling if the nurse was afraid to call
911 even though the situation was so dire that the body-
guard was providing CPR. Think about that for a minute.
That's a guy who had to have practiced some intimidation
tactics in the past.

I'm hoping that her mother, who has had such horrible
things to say about Anna, isn't the one who ends up rais-
ing the child. It doesn't appear that she gave Anna a
very promising start in life. I understand exactly why
Larry Birkhead tried to get the emergency order. He was
afraid, given reports of large quantities of different
prescription drugs in the hotel room and the fact that
this is the second person in the immediate family to die
of what seems to possibly be a drug overdose, that what
he believes to be his baby is in immediate danger if left
with Howard Stern. A man he has to believe is not the
best of caretakers if he has now been at least peripheral-
ly responsible for two deaths. That of Anna Nicole's son,
and now, Anna Nicole. I can understand Larry Birkhead's
sense of extreme urgency. I would be feeling EXACTLY the
same way. In fact, I think I would be frustrated beyond
all imagination. Because if it does turn out that Anna
Nicole's death was complicated by prescription medica-
tions, and all of the medications in the room were writ-
ten for Howard Stern, then that can only mean that for
the second time in a few months, Mr. Stern has given a
lethal dose of his own medication to someone else.

Its a wonder that some equivalent of Child Protective
Services in the Bahamas doesn't step in and remove that
child immediately for the pendency of these legal pro-
ceedings, at least until it's determined who the child's
father and righful guardian is.

Oh, and what's this deal with Zsa Zsa's husband? The
Prince? Hell, I don't even want to go there...

This Just In -- The Vatican

2007-02-09T22:27:00.000-06:00

The Pope, in a briefly worded press release that has
left citizens of Rome and Catholics around the world
stunned, has announced that he also may be Anna Ni-
cole Smith's Baby Daddy.

Happy to see the End

2006-12-26T09:49:00.000-06:00

of 2006. Years ending with the number six seem, for whatever
reason, to have been a little unkind to me and to those I love
(at least if 1996 and 2006 have been any indication), so I'm
glad to see it out the door. Just to Celebrate, we opened a
bottle of wine that I received as a gift in '96, quite possi-
ly, oh hell -- hands down the worst year of my life -- and
drank down all of the bad luck. I'm reckless with luck that
way, walking under ladders, opening umbrellas indoors... I
fully expect we drained all of the bad luck of that year, and
this past year, a pale shadow in the misery department, but
not a real peach of a year nonetheless, last night.

Oh, and Steve called. Kind of a calculated thing on his part,
using Christmas to soften me up before calling to see if I'm
still mad at him, but anyway. Have to give him points for be-
ing smart about it. I would have done the same thing in his
shoes.

Waiting for Valerie

2006-12-24T21:23:00.000-06:00

So my best friend is coming over because I am SO LONELY with-
out Dylan, who is with his dad in Austin. I'm driving in on Wednes-
day or Thursday though - whenever I can get business finished up
here. I have a lot of loads to get straight for the end of next week.
Things that definitely need to be run and billed out before the end
of the year if I'm going to break even this month. Oy. Capitalism,
gotta love it.

Then in January we have the poultry convention in Atlanta. That's
always a rollicking good time, what with everyone trying to drink
each other under the table. Oh and this year there will be the spe-
cial added pressure of trying to both outmaneuver and stay away
from my old boss. Although, I have a broker coming in from Ohio.
He's a pretty big guy, former ball player and whatever. I guess he
can help play keepaway. I'm a little nervous about the whole thing
quite honestly.

I DO have the tits though! Wonder if anyone will notice? That's
just a joke. The poultry industry is very small when it comes to
gossip and there aren't that many women in sales. They'll notice.

I am really self-absorbed aren't I? Yes. Ok. Now that we've had
that brief moment of uncomfortable self-enlightenment, let's
move on, because it was really yucky.

So the running of loads is really a painstaking and thankless task,
which is why, I suppose, I make money doing it. But this week
its going to also be almost impossible to pull off what with the
holidays. Plants will try to (try? Hell, they out and out will ship
the incoming meat short, so there won't be enough product to
run. I can predict that at the outset). Then on top of that, I have
to have a truck pick up breading Wednesday night which may or
may not really be ready on time. I mean it should be ready but
hey. Its the fucking holidays. And, I need to find two trucks to
ship to California on Friday and Saturday, again... over the Holi-
days.

And by the way? People aren't just clamoring to leave their fam-
ilies and go driving dead chickens up and down the highways over
Christmas and New Year's. They aren't really lining up. So, it's
a toss-up.

And if I can't pull off all of these runs and all of these trucks?
Well, it's all bad from there.

Umm... Yes

2006-12-24T16:19:00.000-06:00

When I said that there would be the occasional dash of wit in my
blog? I did NOT MEAN that it would be RIGHT THERE in the
the header where the very WORD OCCASIONAL has been
spelled incorrectly lo these past however long... (how the hell long
have I been here anyway?) Nevermind. That's not the point.
Not once mind you. Oh no. Twice. How high do you have to be
to do that twice? I'm talking about you not TELLING me vis a vis
that question just in case you were wondering, and not about me
doing it in the first place, although I can see why you might have
been confused.

Are you the same group of people who would let me, your friend,
walk around with parsley in my teeth and not said anything at all!?
Well! Are you? Yes. You are. You are exactly that same group of
friends. I know you well.

I've Heard Rumors

2006-12-24T14:37:00.000-06:00

I Know

That I shouldn't say this. It is low and mean and petty. But.
My ex-husband's wife is becoming increasingly large. And
not any more attractive as the years pass. I know this be-
cause I make a sick yearly pilgrimage to the website of which-
ever academic outpost or University they happen to be teach-
ing THIS year just to see. I wonder, as I gaze at her ever
steepening forehead (oh yes, it appears she also suffers from
thin hair and a rather unfortunate case of female pattern bald-
ness, the type that renders the hairline ever higher on the head
of its female sufferers) if this latest move had anything to do
with his penchant for straying from the proverbial fold.

I wonder how many times she's had to tell herself that he
really is just friends with that other, very attractive and
witty female professor. I wonder how she deals with being
just down the hall from him in another office when she sees
female students flocking to the office of the published poet.
I wonder if he ever takes their daughter to his office and lets
any of those students babysit for a little while behind her
back.

I wonder if she has ever used that same daughter to threat-
en him, in desparation, realizing that she really isn't competing
so much with other women after all, but maybe words on a
page or something in his mind, or something so ephemeral
it cannot even be described at all.

And I wonder if she ever thinks about the two little boys and
their respective mothers who came before her, Merry Christ-
mas. Its what you wanted. Now you're there.

You're there Aren't You?

2006-12-22T14:34:00.000-06:00

In the secret place.

Maybe.

You are, aren't you! I knew it! See?
You may be able to keep the where
and the what to yourself but I
still got through to you right in the
middle of the commission. Ha!

Yes, you're quite naughty.

hmm... It's so funny to talk to you
when you're there. Doing the secret
thing. So why can't you tell me anyway?

I promise, it will all make sense when it
turns out.

I'll bet it doesn't. I'll bet it doesn't make any
sense at all. I'll probably roll my eyes and tell
you how absolutely stupid and annoying you
were for thinking there was any reason what-
soever for that level of cloak and dagger.

I don't think so.

Uggh! I DO! How much longer?

What?

Oh please, you know perfectly well what. Until I
can know, of course.

I don't know.

Oh come on, give me a ballpark. Days, weeks,
months?

laughter. You know I really can't tell you.
Until it comes together. I have to -
Can I call you later?

Wait, wait. Have I ever told you how much
you sound like Eddie Izzard?

The comedian?

Yes. Him.

I wish I was as funny as him.

You are funny.

I'm an asshole.

No, no, you're not. Not really. You remember
when you were gone...

Yes.

I listened to this Izzard CD - something about
Cake - terribly funny. But,
I was crying the entire time... He
sounded so much like you. I listened to it over
and over again. I thought you -

I know. I'll call you later, I have to go now.

Say No To Steve

2006-12-03T09:54:00.000-06:00

So I decided that NOW,
FINALLY, since I have
other assets besides my
hair, then its ok for me
to go auburn again. I
mean, there is a certain
rather larger percentage
of the male population that REALLY DOES PREFER BLONDES.

However, I like myself better with darker hair. In sales, its
unfortunately important to worry a good bit about appearances
and about what the average man might prefer because hey! I sell
to men. Mostly men anyway. Yep, about 98.9% male I would say.

But I've noticed since the enhancements that men aren't really
looking all that much at my hair anymore. Sometimes they seem
to be able to hold an entire conversation with my chest alone. Which
is really funny. I usually get
a lot of flack for being "the
smart girl" (I know, difficult
to believe but true) so its fun-
ny now that it almost doesn't
matter what I say because a
lot of guys aren't hearing a
thing that comes out of my
mouth anyway. Which brings
me to Steve. My Ex. I mean my really EX EX because we split
up two years ago.

We had gotten back together for a romp in the hey the other
night. Right. I said "hey" and not hay. Because hey! It was
pretty good. It was though, I'm sure, completely courtesy of
the new breasts, because its not like it happened BEFORE I
got them. (I've always been known for my brutal self-
honesty and now is no exception.)

So anyway, I figured that was the last of that. Which is ok. I
mean, I DO have a date with an attorney and another date
with a newscaster from Birmingham. But there was some-
thing really comfortable and nice about being with someone
with whom I felt totally comfortable. But then he calls again,
so we agreed to get together. So. I didn't make weekend
plans. I cleaned the house. I even went so far as to think
about, well at least to entertain the thought of thinking
about, wearing the new garter belt and stocking set I'd
bought to go with one of the approximately 25 (yes count
them, TWENTY-FIVE) sexy new bras I've purchased
since the surgery.

And then? Nothing. No phone call. Bubkus. Nada. Zero.
Cero. Zilch. That's right.

So I thought to myself, "Well, he must have another date."
But hey, if he did, he should have TOLD me he had plans
so that I COULD make plans with say, the newscaster.
After all, he lives closer to me than the attorney.

But then I thought, "Is he just being a stupid weenie be-
cause I wrote in my other blog about how the fedex guy
asked me for my phone number?" Which is funny, be-
cause its not as though I'm actually going to go OUT with
the fedex guy, being the elitist snob that I am.

That's right. The gatekeeper to my vagina keeps out all
comers (ha! no pun) without at the very least, a four year
degree. Yes. I know. I just lost readers. So sorry. By-
gones.

Now that I have alienated many of you, let me go on with
my story. Thank you. Ok. So anyway. For whatever
reason, be it poutiness or just that he's got something
else to do, I was inconvenienced. I don't like to be in-
convenienced. No, Steve, NO! Bad Steve. Bye Steve.

Bye Bye Steve, Bye Bye

And also, I will be changing my blogsite because bad
Steve and his family all read my blog. That's right.
Not only did he accidentally forward one of my emails to
everyone who works for the space station program at
NASA, he also gave his family and God knows who else,
my blog address.

Medical Mysteries

2006-11-23T16:13:00.000-06:00

So yesterday, all of a sudden, my breasts became very inflamed
and sensitive and red and well... huge. Let me... revise. They
are already quite large now of course, they just became very
swollen.

I was positive I had an infection. I went to get a shot of anti-
biotics from my local doc and also, a prescription for augmentin,
and resolved to see my surgeon next Thursday when I return
from Portland (I leave for Oregon Saturday) or perhaps sooner
should it look like things are worse, tending to streak, etc.

I can generally follow these things pretty well as I've unfor-
tunately been hospitalized with cellulosis before following a
spider bite in Texas.

There was one odd thing that rather argued against infec-
tion. The entirety of both breasts, including the nipples,
felt very sensitive. Almost engorged. Rather as they had
after I'd first had my son and my milk had come in. Odd,
since I was three weeks out from the surgery, and the
swelling had previously diminished. Also, one expects
infections to begin in a more localized area with redness
and swelling and then to move out in various directions
with swelling, and then redness and perhaps even streak-
ing from that area.

In any case, I iced what had become the virtual mountains
on my chest down and went to sleep. Five hours later I
woke with two sodden bag of soggy veggies. The okra will
never be the same.

I had a horrible migraine, which has been par for the
course the past three days. So I opened up a relpax -
one of the newer triptans - and was just about to pop
it into my mouth when clarity hit me like a bolt out
of nowhere. VASODILATER. Oh duh. And double
duh - no pun intended vis-a-vis the two breasts of
course.

I'd taken three relpax, count them, THREE over the
past 36 hours for my horrible migraine. So my blood
was flowing fast and free and more than HAPPY to
settle into my newly implanted and oh so tender boob-
ies.

Sooo... Now I have a raging migraine AND sore breasts
and nothing to take for either except butalbital without
codeine. If things get really bad I suppose I'll go get a
shot at the ER -- Of course, I go to Portland on Satur-
day, so the next few days should be fun.

Seems like since I have relpax listed as a med that I
take for migraines someone would tell me "hey, lay off
of that post op." I'm pretty sure viagra would be out of
the question for the same reason... Not, that I take
viagra, I'm just saying.

For Dr. D

2006-11-13T13:07:00.000-06:00

Ok, so about the sex. I got my boobs done. And... they haven't
really hatched yet officially. I mean, I still have the tape
underneath them. They are a D now, but I just know that means
that eventually they will be a C. Which of course, means that
eventually I will have them redone larger. Because. Everyone
does. Once you get them. You want them. BIGGER. LOL

At any rate, they do look great. If um, I do say so.

So of course, 1 1/2 weeks post op, what did I do? Well natur-
ally, I had sex last night. And not just any sex. REALLY GREAT
SEX. With yes, the ex-boyfriend from two years ago.

I have to say though, the really great thing about exes is, that
they already know exactly WHAT TO DO. In bed I mean. I'm never
one of those people who thinks that the hottest sex is the first
time. I mean, the first time CAN be really really hot, but...
when you start to get to know someone and trust them, you can
let yourself go in a way that's different. Also, they KNOW that
you trust them so they feel freer with you too, which is possibly
even more important.

So all of that said, I am NOT a good patient. I am in more pain
than other patients because I've had more surgeries, I have mi-
graines and I take more medication. So... the anesthesiologist
gives me, of all things, fentanyl, which yes, I KNOW you guys love
to use that stuff, right before he wakes me up. You know what
happens with that right? Basically. if they use too much it
can cause respiratory distress and kill you, kind of like that
one nurse did to her patient on purpose? So its a great short
term pain reliever except that you can't use that much of it
due to its potential respiratory issues.

So I tell the nurse in recovery - I'm in pain and I need a shot.
She just says, I'm not allowed to give you anything. Nothing
else, just that. So I try again, I'm in a lot of pain, what do
you mean I can't have anything? You aren't going to be able to
do anything for my pain in here? She says no.

So I said, "Right. Great. Well then, get me my clothes." Be-
cause obviously, I know that I have the demerol/phenergan mix
in the car and if that is all I am going to get then I am going
to get it NOW. So I got up and left. And took three of the lit-
tle pills that I was supposed to take two of - did I mention the
bad patient part? Then promptly called the office back as I
waited in agony for the medication to take effect and asked for
a nurse. To whom I read the riot act. It consisted of, I think,
the fact that they were paid a great deal of money up front for
my surgery, that I have a right to quality care and to be made
comfortable, and everything that I had not been lucid enough to
say when I mumbled for my clothes earlier. As I recall, the
speech lasted some time and Val, my friend driving said, "Oh shit,"
a couple of times during the diatribe.

I hung up and after a while the other medication kicked in to a
level where I could tolerate the pain. Of course, I alternated
it with my own lortab until I got on top of it and once it was
under control its been great from there and now I don't even
need it.

I refused to come in the next day, and came in the day after in-
stead. (I was sulking.) The doctor apologized, started to tell
me about the dangers of fentanyl, I say skip it, I know. Then
he says, so the nurse had to wait a little while. I said, "The
nurse said NOTHING about waiting a little while. The nurse said
that she would not be able to do anything for me." The doctor
groused around a little bit about how the nurse should have got-
ten him. (DUH) And then said that of course they always try to
make their patients comfortable in recovery, etc. I said, I'm
sure that's true and smiled like I really meant it and we both
said bygones and went on with the visit (after all, this man IS
in charge of my tits - its important to play nice with him.)

OH right, well. So back to the sex. I know I'm not supposed
to have sex 1 1/2 weeks post op. We tried very hard not to
umm.... "shake" the "jubblies" too much. Yeah, jubblies is a
new one for me too, I heard my son using it.

Anyway, and there's the fact that I've been working, and reach-
ing, sometimes above my head if nobody else is here, with my
right hand, and... like I said. Bad patient. Therefore, my
left breast is getting soft and dropping beautifully and my
right breast is slightly firmer because I am using my right
arm all of the time. They both look the same though and I'm
starting to massage...

But anyway. There it is. The sex.

La Reve

2006-10-19T01:33:00.000-06:00

This story is truly almost painful to read. But I love the way
Nora tells it in this truly gossipy and yet at the same time kind of
touching way:

The Picasso

My condolences to Steve Wynn

Here's the Sex Part

2006-10-18T23:30:00.000-06:00

Ok, its only kind of like sex but I do pro-
mise sex in my blog and this may be the
closest we get to it unless I break down
and give my ex-boyfriend from a year
ago a booty call. (Which would never
happen by the way - just in case he's
reading this.)

But anyway, so... I'm getting the girls
done. I'm thinking something in a large
C cup, maybe a small D, but I'm not
sure I can pull that off - have to talk to
the surgeon about it.

He's probably going to think I'm really
weird because I've gone on an actual
umm... tittie hunt. So I have all of
these photos of what I like to call:
"Acceptable Breast Outcomes"
that I'd like to show the guy.

You know, kind of like if you were re-
doing the kitchen, you'd call the con-
tractor in and say, ok I'd like the
cabinets to be done in a dark satin
stain and to hang exactly 1 1/2" from
the floor, and NOT crooked either mind
you, I want those puppies straight and
aligned. The cabinets I mean.

Right. Okay. So I want my cabinets
hung MUCH higher than that. I mean,
they're already hung, I'd just like them
ENHANCED.

Anyway, the doctor I'm going to go to
was a sculptor before he became a sur-
geon and he has a certain aesthetic that
I really like.

So Cool!

2006-10-04T21:15:00.000-06:00

See now, I worked for Child Protective Services for ten years
and it would have been so GREAT to have known back then
that there really IS A CURE FOR PEDOPHILIA! That's right
ladies and gentlemen, alcohol rehab! Isn't that wonderful!

Or in the words of TomKat, AMAZING!!! and WONDERFUL!!
I thought so too! Now we can place thousands of children
back with their perpetrating parents and other assorted care-
takers. Wow. How cool is that. Thank you so much Congress-
man Foley for helping us all out with this one. Whew! We
really ought to award some sort of Nobel prize to the man.
At the very least for genius in obfuscation.

Guess what? If you're molested as a child, it is NO excuse to
molest someone else's child nor your own children. It does
not and should not offer you a get-out-of-jail-free card or even
one iota of sympathy for your actions as an adult.

Let's all save our sympathy for the victims of abuse who live
with the aftermath daily but lead caring lives towards others.

I learned two things when I worked as an investigator for
CPS.

1) Victims are so guilt-ridden they frequently feel like per-
petrators even when they are not. True victims seem to
have a sense of guilt about everything. On the other hand,
perpetrators are con artists who will UNCEASINGLY try to
make you feel like they are victims.

We just saw this in spades with Foley. What's his main focus
on, his guilt over damaging white house pages emotionally?
Oh NOOOOOOO! Absolutely not. Just like a true perpe-
trator his focus is on trying to get his "victimhood" out to
us. My alcohol abuse made me do it, I was victimized as a
child.

Well buddy, I've got news for you, there are a lot of drunk
former victims of abuse out there who aren't out there
hunting our children on the Internet. Wanna think about
that one for a minute on your way to your jail cell? I
learned something else too during my tenure with CPS.

2) Rehab of any type, alcohol, psychotherapy or otherwise
does not cure pedophiles. There is one very good therapy
for them though. Shotgun therapy. Best treated early.
Before too much damage is done. To others I mean.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Oh yes and HASTER? You deserve to go down right along
with him. You are no better than the Catholic diocese who
transferred priests from parish to parish.

SYD-SHAME ON YOU ALL! And THAT my friends, is a
LOT of shame. I learned it from the best.

Remember When?

2006-09-23T18:24:00.000-06:00

My dad was in the hospital with his aortic aneurysm and my step-
monster and I were practically coming to blows as I insisted on
staying there with him around the clock and questioning each med
and order that came in?

And she kept saying, Why do you ask so many questions? The
doctors and nurses KNOW what they are doing... Right. Sure.

Read THIS story for just how well they KNOW what they are do-
ing. Statistically, every American going into the hospital has a
number of mistakes per day made with their meds, care etc.
I can't remember the exact number but I'm sure its online
somewhere. Typically though, the mistakes just aren't life-
threatening.

And moreover? I have a few IQ points on a lot of the medical staff.
Plus - every time your nursing staff changes? Do you really think
they take the time to read your entire previous chart in hospital?

Let me just answer that for you. No. They don't. They try to
catch up on your current condition and basic history and current
orders. Try is the operative word here.

But back to the story. Three separate nurses FAILED to notice,
or noticing, failed to question, that the normal heplock given to
at risk preemies was in a dark blue topped vial labeled heparin
instead of a baby-blue vial labeled hep-lock.

See, the IV ports have to be kept open with a teeny amount of
blood thinner. Not, of course, the gargantuan amount of blood
thinner one would give to say -- an adult suffering from a
pulmonary embolism. So those little preemies bled to death.

So me? Stepmother or not, I'm going to keep right on bitching
and asking questions while in the hospital. Both on behalf of
myself and my relatives.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2006-09-23T16:43:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I've resorted to blogging about past American
Idols, but there you have it. Here goes:

Apparently ---> Clay Aiken Deserves Some Respect

Actually, Clay Aiken seems like a niceish sort of guy but...

Yeah, you knew the but was coming right?
I'd have more respect for him if he just said to the "gay question"
one of three things, and truthfully mind you.
1) yes
2) no
3) none of your bleeping business, next person to ask me gets a
hatchet to the head.

Secondly, is there some moral high ground to taking paxil but NOT
going to therapy along with it? Since when is it somehow "holier"
to go it on your own rather than get very good psychotherapy or
counseling? PARTICULARLY if you are experiencing something
that could really be helped via psychotherapy, like anxiety at-
tacks? Or would you just prefer to pop paxil the remainder of
your life and live with your panic attacks? I wasn't aware that
attendance at counseling sessions was such a shameful thing in
the first place, so I just find his position on this topic odd
in this regard. But... Whatever. To each their own and all
of that rot.

Anyway, yes yes, nice guy, beautiful voice, I just wish he wasn't
so namby pamby sometimes. But then again, I'm probably just not
taking into account his sensitivity.

He is gay after all.

STOP THE PRESSES!!!

2006-09-16T13:15:00.000-06:00

I AGREE WITH THE W ON SOMETHING!

WHAT!!!???

This can only mean that the shrubster is going insane. I mean,
we already know that I'm insane. Ergo --- See?

Kind of it was only a matter of time though. We ARE both
from Texas. Well, he's at least as much from Texas as I am.

But the Baby Bush had a press conference yesterday and in it
he said something akin to the following (I'm going to paraphrase
of course because my brain is far from being memorex about
anything anyone says (unless, of course, they happen to be dat-
ing me at the time. Then, I'm lethal.)

Anyway, W said that he was in opposition to the 700 mile long
fence that would separate us from Mexico because what we real-
ly need is a piece of legislation that presents a comprehensive so-
lution to the illegal immigration problem. (no shit, he said the
word comprehensive.)

He said that Mexicans come here temporarily to work and they
do jobs that Americans do not want to do and that also, some of
them, some 10-11 million of them in fact, are living here with
their families and have had children here and that to suddenly
just construct a fence and to try to find and throw out 10-11 mil-
lion people from just ONE country with no guest worker program
in place is a little how shall we say, ambitious? foolhardy? silly?
STUPID? Doesn't make much sense?

He didn't even get into what I think and what I feel he knows are
the even larger questions of, how would you fund it? What about
the illegal aliens from Canada, Armenia, Yugoslavia and all of the
other countries who number in the millions themselves? Why
are we picking out one country? What of the cost of manu-
factured goods when we "throw out" the people who are making
things for us (like chicken for example) for $8 an hour when we
can't get our own folks to work for that price. And hey, if you can
find folks to do that, send them to Georgia and Alabama, we could
use the labor.

Boycott Max Factor

2006-09-14T16:01:00.000-06:00

Not that I use their tacky cosmetics anyway, but... apparently
SOMEONE has been spreading the cash around because for
SOME reason our "own," oh wait, our own? are we really sure
about that? ostensibly our United States Marshalls (or people
dressed just like them) have arrested Duane "Dog" Chapman,
the bounty hunter who went to Mexico in 2003 to arrest Max
Factor heir Andrew Luster.

Many of you may remember this story, which is rather infa-
mous in the annals of "true crime" lore. Luster had, at the
time, been arrested and was in the midst of a rather lurid trial
on charges that he had, over a period of time, drugged several
young women and then filmed himself whilst raping them in his
home. Since he taped the encounters, he literally handed the
state the evidence against him.

Several of the young women were teenagers during the time
that the crimes occurred. Most had no idea that they had been
violated until word of the case's investigation leaked into the
press and they were contacted by the police and the D.A. and
they were both horrified and traumatized to find both that they
had been assaulted and that it had been captured for posterity
by Luster.

As I recall, Luster maintained a fairly arrogant and smarmy at-
titude during the trial but as the victims testified and the video
tapes were played he could see the reactions of complete disgust
on jurors faces as it became obvious to just what extent he had
damaged the girls. One morning defense counsel came to court
and his client did not show, having fled to Mexico.

Mexican authorities did not seem to be able to help the U.S. auth-
orities to locate Andrew Luster, but the trial continued in his ab-
sence, and he was sentenced to 124 years behind bars.

A manhunt ensued, a serious one. Nobody wanted an Ira Einhorn
type of deal where we waited years for justice.

Enter "THE DOG."

Apparently, although nobody in Mexico knew where Luster
was, our own Duane Chapman, longtime bounty hunter dubbed
"The DOG" for short, had received a tip and had a good lead on
Luster's . And he was just the the right man for the job. An ex-
con himself, Chapman had gone straight and was putting his
knowledge to good use. He was willing to help give people a
fresh start, a second chance - but he could also use his own
knowledge gained on the inside and from hunting down other
inmates to help him find Luster.

The Mexican government, it would appear, was not so happy
to have the DOG's help:

STORY HERE

Well gee whiz. Had Luster been a citizen of MEXICO, the Mexi-
can authorities might have a bit of a better case but hello, he is
a US citizen. He is now back here, where he belongs, IN JAIL.
For a LONG time.

Can't imagine George W. is allowing our US Marshalls to be used
for this purpose, but then again, I can't imagine why he does a lot
of things.

And WHY cooperate with Mexico in arresting someone for bring-
ing back one of our own citizens for the prosecution of a crime he
committed here in the United States? If Scott Peterson had made
it across would have just kissed him goodbye and bid him adieu?
Has our government just gone just completely insane? That was
a rhetorical question just in case anyone was wondering.

Yesterday we found out that we DIDN'T fire on armed insur-
gents for some reason that nobody I know (liberal or conserva-
tive) can quite comprehend even though we could have done
with no loss of life to our own troops or collateral damage to ci
ties or daycares or the like.

Now today, we find out that we've arrested one of our own citi-
zens at the behest of another country so that we can EXTRA-
DITE him to that other (other meaning you know, "foreign")
country so that they can prosecute him for kidnapping one our
citizens. Oh, and by kidnapping I do actually mean retrieving
that citizen from the foreign country and bringing him back to
the United States for the lawful imprisonment for the heinous
crime of which he was legally convicted under United States
law. Guy should get a medal.

P.S. Yes I KNOW. The "DOG" and his ensemble are a little,
well... But anyway. Love 'em. Can't help it. I'm addicted.

Syd's Weekend Film Pick

2006-09-10T11:32:00.000-06:00

Loved this film. Under the guise of a documentary, this black co-
medy:

Mail Order Bride

Is so exceptionally well-made that it took me 3/4 of the the film
to realize that it was not, indeed, an actual documentary. Very,
very coy and funny film.

Oh Man

2006-09-09T23:53:00.000-06:00

Do you ever just do something really stupid because you're trying
to do something good? But you KNOW at the time that you're
probably being stupid, but you just have no idea until later just
HOW stupid you really were? Yeah. Story of my life. But I'm go-
ing to stop. At least by say... New Year's or so. I'll make it my re-
solution or something.

Agitators

2006-09-06T17:46:00.000-06:00

Or as Rodney King might have aptly put it at one point in time...
"Can't we just all get along?"

No but seriously, this is a trend that I've noticed and it disturbs
me. It causes me to question the moral decay and cruelty that ap-
pears to run rampant among more individuals that I'd care to be-
lieve could possibly allow themselves to think and to behave in
this manner. I listen to it on radio shows, see it on chat boards
and talk shows, and in general it just causes me extreme wonder
and, well, dismay.

Or perhaps I'm wrong and I'm just a patsy, a dope who doesn't
"get 'IT'" myself. Perhaps it is all about holding to a certain line
of demarcation come hell or high water. No compassion for your
neighbor and no consideration for what they may or may not
have to go through. Sometimes I feel as though I am incorrect
in my own weakness and these others who seem so sure of them-
selves in their hate are strong.

One thing is certain though, I cannot change how I am. And more
frightening still is the fact that most probably, neither can they.

There are a number of things I do not understand in this world.
I'll begin.

When someone dies, regardless of how you feel about the manner
of their death or whether or not they may have contributed to it in
the manner in which they chose to live their life (extreme sports,
chasing wild animals for the pure love of conservation and nature),
the aftermath of the death is NOT the time to criticize the indivi-
dual, in front of his or her family and friends for safety standards
in which you feel they should have been more observant. No, in-
deed the time is to reach out and comfort the survivors and re-
member that person for the good he or she did.

I bring you the following boards for an example of some of the
hideous things that have been said following Steve Irwin's (The
Croc Guy's) death.

Steve Irwin

It even looks a bit better now because they've cleaned up many
of the worst posts with people saying, of all things, that they were
glad he was dead.

And then there is Ann Coulter. I don't understand why people
can't disagree about political parties with becoming so vehement-
ly hateful and without slinging the worst type of mud and hate back
and forth. If you have a difference of opinion with someone else over
how the country should be run, why must it be SO VICIOUS?

Ms. Coulter

And... I suppose that is all. For now.

Top Ten

2006-08-26T17:08:00.000-06:00

If you have any candidates for the MICHAEL JACKSON FACTOR
list, please feel free to list them in response. Here are my favorite
top ten. In order.

1) Michael Jackson
2) Tom Cruise
3) LaToya Jackson
*If it turns out that LaToya and Michael really are the same
person then you know, mea culpa -- Bygones and all that.
4) Paula Abdul
5) Gary Busey
*I actually sat at La Zona Rosa in Austin next to this guy at the
height of his most OBNOXIOUS (I hope) days. He came in
with some blonde hag of a woman, wasted - and yelled at the
poor waitress, "I told you, NO FUCKING SALT ON MY MAR-
GARITA!!!" Then he proceeded to berate everyone in the
place because they couldn't tell him where Willie Nelson and/
or his picnic was (it was that time of year in Austin). Classy
guy.
6) Star Jones
7) Sean Young
*Remember the James Woods & Catwoman debacles?
Well she is still at her bizarre hi-jinks <--- Oh the humiliation.
8) Ok, so I only got to eight and then I thought about putting
Tara Reid but that seemed a little cruel. I think she may
come around if she ever sobers up.

PLUS - I'm starving and the really cool Chinese restaurant
where I always accidentally leave my cell phone behind is just
down the block...

Syd

The "Michael Jackson Factor"

2006-08-26T16:53:00.000-06:00

Yes, yes, yours truly, already famous for such famous terms as
the "mini-cruiser" to describe Tom Cruise & Katie's Holmes then
pending arrival is about to coin another phrase.

Listen carefully folks, I like to call this:

The Michael Jackson Factor

The Michael Jackson Factor is a term which shall now be used to
describe any star/entertainer/author/personality who was once
talented and seemingly likable but who has, over a period of
time, become too bizarre and remote for any of us "normal"
(cough) people to consider them to be an actual member of the
human race any longer.

That is, we can see that they appear to breathe and eat and emi-
nate with some features that would appear to make them ani-
mate, but then again, that wax figure they just made of of Brit-
ney Spears does have breasts that heave up and down.

Another key component of THE MICHAEL JACKSON FACTOR
is that the entertainer who succumbs appears to have NO IDEA

ABSOLUTELY NONE WHATSOEVER...

That he/she is a narcissistic, unperceptive, moronic twit.

And While You're annoyed about That Last One

2006-08-26T16:15:00.000-06:00

Be Prepared.

Burger King is not the best place in town to get hit by an automo-
bile. That is, not unless you happen to have the $1.04 to pay them
for ice to put on the injury you suffer when the car throws you off
of your bike.

That's right folks. Burger King charged a youngster who had been
hit by a car for ice to put on his injured ankle.

You can email the writer of the story about the incident here, with
your fond words regarding Burger King's policies. I'm going to do
so. And if I'm not assured that they've taken some corporate re-
sponsibility regarding personnel changes and training then that's
right folks! No more CHICKEN FRIES for me!

Jennifer Roy can be reached at 781-398-8005 or jroy@cnc.com
She is the writer of the story for the Daily Tribune.

Are you KIDDING me!!!???

2006-08-26T15:55:00.000-06:00

This is the most outrageous incident, particularly in that it was di-
rected at children, that I have had the great disgust to be apprised
of by the news media in quite some time.

BLACK CHILDREN FORCED TO GIVE UP THEIR SEATS

At the front of the bus so that white children can sit there instead.
And where does it happen? Oh yes, Louisiana. Apparently Kanye,
George W. isn't the ONLY one who doesn't "like" black people.

The worst part of this is that the the superintendent of this system
has not immediately canned this employee, apologized and bowed
and scraped his or her way out of the door hoping and praying in
all humility for the immediate forgiveness of not only the children
and families involved, and not only of all black Americans, but of
ALL Americans for this horrifying incident.

Disgraceful beyond all possible reason.

FOR SHAME!

Movie of The Weekend

2006-08-20T15:08:00.000-06:00

Ok, My movie of the weekend for this weekend was on IFC chan-
nel this Saturday.

Afraid of the Dark

English stories always seem to be the most brutally psychological-
ly harrowing, and this one also gives us the the titillating addition
of an erotic glimpse of one of the main actresses, blind and in dis-
tress in her lingerie, topless and atop a bouncing play pony whilst
being menaced and photographed, tremblingly displaying her
beautiful breasts (oh yes of course, also bouncing) whilst seeming-
ly helpless to do anything about her situation. Once again, leave it
to the English...

The Penis Pumping Judge

2006-08-19T19:46:00.000-06:00

I'm posting this for another blogger who didn't get to read the ori-
ginal:

The Penis Pumping Judge Story

Write 100 Times in a Row

2006-08-19T16:42:00.000-06:00

I will never attempt to help the unfortunate and disadvantaged
again. Particularly if they have a history of substance abuse. Be-
cause I am a huge (figuratively of course) moron. So, I've been
trying to help this girl who cleans at our chicken plant. True, she
has a history of DUI and some other alcohol related offenses, how-
ever, she has been passing all of her drug and alcohol tests.

I've been letting her clean my house for extra money (while I'm
there) and she's been doing a great job both there and at work for
several months. The one rule is: nobody else is to know where I
live. She can't drive, so I provide her transportation along with
another supervisor at work.

So... this weekend Dylan and I went to my grandfather's funeral
in Colorado. Friday through Monday. The girl was fine and doing
her job Friday. She was fine Saturday afternoon. Umm then...
Not so much.

She drank every drop of liquor in our house. She brought a crack
dealer over and they had a crack party. Gee, fun. They stole all
of Dylan's electronics and his van and pawned all of his stuff.

This is what we came home to on Tuesday after a hideous funer-
al experience out of town. I must have been Jezebel in a former
life or something.

Update: So yes, I have been Jezebel. Both in this life probably,
upon occasion, and in former lives. However, the girl who stole
my belongings along with her compadre has called me, confessed,
and has recovered most of Dylan's belongings and has told me
where to find the rest.

She also told me where to find his van, which was unharmed. She
will pick up the rest of his belongings, which she pawned, when she
gets her check in the morning. With me of course. I don't trust her
THAT much.

Law enforcement remains another matter altogether. I don't know
how much I can shield her from grand theft auto. It may not be
within my purview to drop those charges, as much as I hate to say
so. She is very remorseful and is doing her best to make us whole.
Which is more, I suppose, than most thieves do?

Some People...

2006-08-19T16:38:00.000-06:00

Take themselves VERY seriously.

Check it. Ali G. Interviews Andy Rooney:

Hilarity Ensues as apparently Andy doesn't "Get" that Ali G.
is a comedian. Hello, earth to Andy...

Is it Just Me?

2006-08-03T17:31:00.000-06:00

Or was anyone else out there unaware that in addition to the other bad
things that can happen to you on the road whilst driving, we now must
also look out for

LIQUID NITROGEN PIPELINES

What? There are pipelines carrying liquid nitrogen sprinkled around
the country just off the roadway? I mean hell, ANYONE can run off the
road in a second due to falling asleep, turning around to see what a
child is doing, answering the cell phone, EATING in the car... (ok, so
I'm a major offender vis a vis the eating in the car thing, but anyway)

I mean, it happens. People make mistakes. Usually, the worst that
could happen would be hitting a tree near the road. Not that hitting
a tree is a great and healthy thing to do -- but I was just unaware
that you could also be blown to Kingdom Come by random nitrogen ex-
plosions.

Speaking of Breasts...

2006-08-02T12:02:00.000-06:00

We are SO repressed in the United States. It would almost be amusing
if it wasn't so absolutely absurd. Apparently, many readers of "Baby
Talk" a magazine about all things baby, had a complete come-apart be-
cause the magazine had the bold effrontery to put a photo of a woman
breastfeeding on its cover.

See Article HERE

Mind you, there is no nipplage involved here, just a baby who appears
to be breastfeeding from a part of the human anatomy that looks, in
the photo, as though it might easily be a knee or the curve of a shoulder,
rather than a female breast. By the way, I break here for a moment to
say that if it IS a breast then I'd just like to shout out a "nice tits" to the
model because the breast in question is rather nice and well-formed.

But that aside, subscribers to the magazine are apparently going ape-
shit about the cover photo. Here are some of the more interesting com-
ments:

From the article:

"I was SHOCKED to see a giant breast on the cover of your magazine,"
one person wrote. "I immediately turned the magazine face down,"
wrote another. "Gross," said a third.

Right. Because we all know that breastfeeding is an unnatural act. Not
only unnatural but apparently, disgusting as well.

Another reader was apparently concerned about the possible moral de-
cay faced by her 13 yr old son if he were to have been exposed the ma-
gazine's cover:

"I shredded it," said Gayle Ash, of Belton, Texas, in a telephone interview.
"A breast is a breast - it's a sexual thing. He didn't need to see that."

Seriously? She shredded it?! She's acting as though someone sent a
Penthouse to her children's daycare for reading time. (I suppose her son
will now be stuck regaling himself with past issues of National Geogra-
phic and Victoria's Secret.)

This same mother, who by the way BREASTFED her own children finally
said what I think is really at the heart of the issue for people who oppose
women's right to breastfeed their children when and where they want to
do so:

"I'm totally supportive of it - I just don't like the flashing," she says. "I
don't want my son or husband to accidentally see a breast they didn't
want to see."

Flashing? I doubt many breastfeeding mothers purposely flash others.
And I doubt her son and husband are ever going to accidentally see a
breast they don't WANT to see and come crying home to her. Because
no matter what they tell her and no matter what posture the moral ma-
jority takes on breastfeeding in public, I've met very few guys who were
'offended' and/or irreparably damaged somehow by the occasionally
flash of some chick's breasts. Otherwise, how do you explain mardi
gras? They don't hand out those mardi gras beads for nothing...

But this is America once again, where for some reason we equate breast-
feeding with sex. Apparently, if a baby is hungry his nursing mother just
needs to wait until she gets back home (where many of these people pro-
bably think she belongs anyway) so that she can crawl into the darkest
room in the deepest portion of her house in order to feed her baby with-
out risking the catastrophic devastation an accidental glimpse of her
"gross" bare bosom would visit upon society at large.

In this country we seem to have many people who are uncomfortable
with their own sexuality and unable to deal well with or to understand
women's roles as both mother and lover in a marriage. For some reason,
not only men, but women also still carry the Puritanical idea that sex is
"bad" or sinful. That there is some form of shame involved. And there-
fore, exposing various parts of the body that are seen as relating to the
sex act and to lovemaking must be "bad" and "shameful" as well.

In many cases it seems really that our discomfort about our own bodies,
or at least certain parts of our bodies is at the root of all of this hype
over breastfeeding and where it should and should not be accomplished.
The saddest part of this article to me is that it is women, MOTHERS in
fact, who have responded to the cover photo with such vehemence. Cal-
ling it gross? Boy, that's a healthy way to bring up your children. Telling
them that certain parts of their anatomy are "gross."

It seems as though women in the United States really are conflicted
about the difference between what is sexual and what is merely caring
for and providing for your child in the natural manner that God intend-
ed. Remember Ms. Ash's quote in the article:

"A breast is a breast - it's a sexual thing."

Apparently, even some nursing mothers just can't seem to get it
straight. Breasts are not just sexual. They are actually fairly utilitar-
ian when you get right down to it. A sort of built-in manufacturer
and reservoir for the very substance that gives new babies the best
and healthiest nutrition available.

In most other countries this hue and cry over breastfeeding (which
by the way goes on far longer in a child's life than it does here in the
West) would be laughable, if not just bizarre.

Breastfeeding is a beautiful act of caring for one's child. It is much more
natural than throwing the kid a b0ttle of similac. What an odd thing
that our shame and disgust over what is a completely natural and
wholesome process compels us to create formulas that mimic mother's
milk when we can produce the real thing. (And I am casting no asper-
sions on women who choose to bottlefeed. There are situations where
breastfeeding may not the right choice for some mothers and babies
and that decision is best left to the woman, her baby and her doctor.)

But by God when my son was a baby and was hungry I fed him. Obvious-
ly, I tried to be discreet in public by covering with a blanket but I'm
sure someone out there probably copped the occasional glance. There
is no way I would have made my infant son wait to be fed until I could
retreat into some dark closet in my home just to appease some repressed
strangers who might have a problem with when and where I chose to
feed my child. The answer to which was - the nearest comfortable place
around when he cried because he needed to be fed.

His health and comfort were far more paramount to me than worrying
about what someone else might consider offensive due to their own dis-
comfort with viewing women as more than just sex objects, and breasts
as more than just an item women put on display to entice men.

Boycotting "Baby Talk" because of a cover that promotes breastfeeding?
How stupid. Get over it America.

I'd love a set of implants but...

2006-07-31T01:05:00.000-06:00

Unfortunately, I have scoliosis. You know, the kind that makes my
back look about like the illustration here:

So I've got an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon guy. Not
this one, one at UAB. And I think I may have to have the following
yucky procedure:

Yucky Procedure

Again, not with the doctor at the website above, he just gives a good
illustration of the procedure. Its crazy, you really can't tell my back
is so fucked up if you don't see the x-ray. But the stress of extra lbs
in front probably wouldn't be helpful. So I guess the implants are
going to have to wait.

I am REALLY not looking forward to this surgery but then again
I'm really not looking forward to putting any more stress on the
discs in my back that hurt either.

My parents claim they never noticed the problem when I was grow-
ing up. Really? You never noticed I was turning into a hunchback?
Hmphh!

Things That Annoy Me

2006-07-30T20:44:00.000-06:00

Bloggers who must "review" your comment prior to accepting it for
a post. Look, if you REALLY don't like it, just delete the fucker af-
terwards, but are you SO afraid to let the words out on your site for
five seconds that everyone MUST have approval to post to begin
with? Fuck you then. No wonder everyone posts anonymously on
that very BITTER site of yours...
------------------------------------------------------------------

Now on to a few things of more positive nature.
Things that definitely don't annoy me:

This new blog. Pretty cool -

LAUGHING OUT LOUD CRYING INSIDE

or as I prefer to hear her call it;
getthefoutofhere...

Well Done!

Where IS

2006-07-16T22:05:00.000-06:00

The sexual content in my blog? My blog promises raunchy lang-
uage and its got plenty of that, but it promises sexual content too
and APPARENTLY there has been far too little of that in my life
lately because I just don't talk about sex very much anymore. I
mean, here. In my blog.

Things to Do when You're Really Bored

2006-07-15T14:58:00.000-06:00

Ok, so like - I had NO IDEA up until today why the words on our
profiles were underlined. You know, all of that what's your favor-
ite movie, what's your favorite band, who's your favorite author,
all that stuff. (I know, I'm a little slow sometimes.) See, I fig-
ured it probably led back to the internet, key words to draw in
internet traffic to your blog (which undoubtedly, it is) but I
clicked on one expecting I guess (stupidly) for it to take me back
out onto the internet.

I thought, for some reason, that it would do a search on the term
in question. Say for instance you put in your list of favorite films
"GlennGary Glenn Ross" like I did. I thought it would take you
maybe out onto google for a bunch of references on the film. But
no, it takes you to a list of other blogspot users who put the same
film in their profile. Oh yeah. DUH. Oh COURSE that's what it
does.

Hello. Key words? Yeah. So anyway, things to do when you're
really bored. Look up all the people who put the same films/
bands/authors/etc as you did on your profile and leave a com-
ment on their blog. If you want to act completely insane, make
the comment completely irrelevant to anything they've said.

SOME people obviously do not have enough to keep themselves
occupied. Or they do, but they'd prefer not to do those things
with which they are supposed to be legitimately occupied. You'd
frequently find me in the latter category...

How to Order a Pizza

2006-06-30T16:41:00.000-06:00

Hi-Pizza Hut?

Guy's Voice - Pizza Hut!

Umm Yes, I'd Like to get an Order delivered please

Ok, just a sec, I'm trying to get to my little screen...

Yeah, I know all about those little screens

(mutual uncomfortable laugh at my lame joke)

I've got a coupon for a large Pan pizza for 10.99

Ok, looking for the coupon - was that in this week's paper?

No, that was in this week's mailbox, I get all of my news online.

Ok. Umm. Just a sec, I've got to go to the back and see if I can
find it. Ok, I found it. So, what would you like on that.

I'd like to get the Vegetarian lover's pizza. Except, I'd like to add
bacon.

Bacon? But you're a vegetarian!

No I'm not. I'm just getting the vegetarian lover's pizza.

Well, why don't you get a supreme or something. It has meat
and vegetables already.

Nah, I just want the bacon.

Ok. Is that it?

Nope. I also want to add anchovies on one side.

Anchovies? Ahhh... ok.

And then on the other side? I want to add jalapenos.
Oh, and please be sure they bring some of those pepper
packets with the pizza.

Oh. Uhh.. boy. ok. I think... umm...

What?

I'm trying not to vomit over here.

Ahhh man, how do you expect me to eat my pizza after you said
the word "vomit"?

I'm not really sure how you were expecting to eat that pizza in the
first place. I don't really believe anyone would eat that. I think I
want to come over to see and take pictures because nobody's gonna
believe it.

hmmm... Sounds pretty kinky to me. I thought pizza boys only
came over and to your house and took pictures of you in Pent-
house stories.

Man, you are SO going to get me in trouble if they are recording
this call.

Awww, tell the pizza nazi's to lighten up, and by the way - I want
an order of cheesesticks with this. By the way, what's my total?

What's the Strangest Place You've Ever...

2006-06-29T22:26:00.000-06:00

Let me just set this story up for you. Because truly, when I read it
I did TRY to give the guy who is the subject matter thereof the be-
nefit of the doubt.

So I thought to myself, you know, what IS the strangest place I've
ever umm...

I mean, you know how it is, you're bored, its late at night and you're
driving across the country on a fourteen hour road trip. There's no-
body else in the car. For whatever reason you start daydreaming
(well. nightdreaming) about some erotic fantasy you've had and you
think, "What's the harm?" Not another car around for miles...

And you can't TELL me that some of you guys haven't ever locked
the door at work sometimes during the middle of the day and done
this in your office during a slow day when nobody else was really
around.

But this guy. This guy really took things way over the top folks.
Way. If he'd been consulting his wee willie horoscope it would have
said, Are you fucking insane?! Hell to the No! Don't even think about
it! I mean, if he'd checked his horoscope before each of the fifteen
or twenty times he did this certain thing you're about to read about.
Because in his case:

REALLY REALLY BAD JUDGEMENT SQUARED X INFINITE

+ the Investment in one Super Ultra Penis Pump

oh yeah, and presiding over a packed court room whilst masturba-
ting with said pump...

Simply do not mix well.

Which is kind of unfair when you think about it because with all of
the attornies around, one should almost be able to have the expec-
tation of being able to get fucked by mere virtue of showing up.

The Canadians Are Coming!

2006-06-28T20:06:00.000-06:00

Seriously. This weekend, my newest customers - the latest devo-
tees of the chicken pimp are coming to town. With their wives.
Have I ever mentioned that wives never EVER like me? They
don't. It's because I have NO CLUE what women talk about.
Honestly, I have no clue what men talk about socially either. But
at least I can usually talk to them about either work or sex and
we're pretty safe.

Ok, safe might not be the best word for it but... the conversation
will work. You know? In all actuality though, if I could talk about
anything, I would be discussing various things which absolutely no-
body but me is interested in.

It would go something like this:

Me: Have you ever thought about the parellels between Machia-
velli's "The Prince" and the "The Art of War"? I mean, presumab-
ly Machiavelli didn't really mean everything he said in "The Prince"
He was just trying to get into the good graces of the Borgias. So
he's not really as Machiavellian as we've been led to believe
whereas in "The Art of War"..

Any Guy: That girl that owns that new restaurant's really got a set
huh?

Me: Yeah, I think she used to be a stripper in Switzerland. Umm,
so do you know anything about contract law in the state of Georgia?
I'm trying to research any and all cases I can find on piercing the
corporate veil, especially as it refers to...

Any Guy: Yeah, I'd like to pierce your veil all right

Me: Wanna beer?

So anyway, my friend and business associate in L.A. thought it would
be fun, given my distinct lack of facility in relaxing ANYWAY to in-
vite not only these new Canadian customers AND their wives, but
also, my friend and customer John from Detroit and HIS girlfriend.
Oh, and his brother. So that they could all come up and we could
do business while having a RELAXING fourth of July weekend.
Right.

We've rented a huge pontoon boat so we can all go out on the lake
and get drunk, so that takes care of Sunday. 3 women and 5 guys
on a pontoon and me the only single girl while the wives and girl-
friend sit in the corner and snark about me because I'm single and
blonde. The girls aren't going to want to talk about the corporate
veil EITHER.

Should be FUN FUN FUN

So when you're out on a boat entertaining customers is it permis-
sable to just, you know, pick up a book and read?

Shit. I didn't think so.

So I was Thinking about Sex

2006-06-25T13:02:00.000-06:00

Which is encouraging. Because you know, it means everything is
getting back to normal again. But anyway. That aside. I was
thinking about how men... lie. Either that or, I am just WAY
freakier than 99.9% of the guys I've ever been with.

Ok, granted - except for you - Mike Jasper - and also... there was
that one guy in military intelligence. He had some, you know, dif-
ferent fantasies.

Here's what I mean. This is a typical conversation between me
and someone I'm dating.

Me: So... Now that we know each other better, what's your wild-
est sexual fantasy?

Him: (without fail) Me? I don't really have any crazy sexual fan-
tasies. You know, except the usual. Me and two girls (he some
how carries forth in this vein blissfully unaware of my rolling
eyes)

Me: Really? The two girl thing huh? That's so... original. Noth-
ing else?

Him: Nope. Can't think of anything.

ooo-k. the internet and phone sex lines are filling up with consum-
ers talking about and downloading smut of the filthiest kinds but
my guys only think about pure-d vanilla straightforward sex.
Right.

Maybe I just need to get out of Alabama...

A Moment In the Life of Me...

2006-06-24T20:47:00.000-06:00

Email from my mom, 9:42 pm...

"hi sweetie,

Dylan asked me to email you and tell you that you left your phone
at the Chinese restaurant. I called, the lady still has it and does not
know fluent english. Nor did she know how to reach you. I told her
I would email you.

love, mama"

Apparently, I live and die by the mercy and grace of my family and
friends. Dylan, in Austin with his father for a month, realized that I
had left my phone (my only means of communication since we only
have a dedicated line for our burglar alarm and don't use a home
phone) at the restaurant when he tried to call a moment ago. Be-
ing the bright child he is, he called my MOTHER and told on me
(just kidding) had her email me so that I could go pick the bloody
thing up before the restaurant closes. They did all of this from
1200 miles away.

And yes, I DO feel incompetent. I'd dwell on it more, but I have to
get to China One by 10 pm ;)~

Awww.... For Fuck's Sake

2006-06-24T19:42:00.000-06:00

Ok, I am going to blog HERE about the cool new thing Ms. Scarlett
is doing because ummm... I can't do it on her blog. (I have lang-
uage issues) and uh... I might disparage certain of the designers
openly and rather err... loudly at times. I mean, I haven't yet, but..
I might. LOL but anyway folks, go check her out, she is famous.

Always well put together and cool as cucumber, Scarlett is blogging
Bravo's "Project Runway," - Check it out! She has done a marvel-
ous job, along with her two compatriots, Laura K., and T-bone:

BLOGGING PROJECT RUNWAY

And keep it nice, site rules: no cursing, no disparaging the design-
ers in the show (some of their parents actually read the site!)

Nice work Charlotte!
P.S. I am CRUSHED! I was rooting for Santino! (Go Figure)

KATIE HOLMES - Are You Listening?

2006-06-18T13:00:00.000-06:00

Listen Girlfriend,

Get yourself one of those extremely good, high-priced Hollywood
divorce lawyers. You know, one who has too much money to be
afraid of those moonies! err.. sorry, Scientologists. I know, I know,
rumor has it that you signed your kid and Tom's fortune away in
one of those stupid pre-nups. Something about how you have to
stay married to him for ten years or you'll walk away with nothing-
including the kid.

Well, I don't know if that's true or not, but here's a hint. HE
NEVER STAYS MARRIED TO ANYONE for ten years. Yeah,
how about that. But listen honey, I think I have a way out for
you. I was reading up on child support law. You know, for my
own purposes? And I came across this little tidbit I thought
might help you out so I'm passing it along. Here it is:

About that Damn Pre-nup

See? So get yourself a great attorney and an even better judge
and you might be able to at least walk away from this entire
ordeal with your kid. Because those last photos we saw of you
sweetie? You weren't looking so hot.

Doc's Political Parlor

2006-06-17T13:03:00.000-06:00

So, you know every once in a while I'll run across a blog I particu-
larly like and I will take the time to foist it upon everyone else.
So once again, here goes:

Doc's Political Parlor
& Home of Lawn Mower Repair

Now, this site will likely be of much greater interest to those of
you who live in Alabama. Let me rephrase. If by chance, some-
one happens to come along who by coincidence lives in Alabama,
reads my blog AND actually happens to have internet access, then
my friend, the above listed blog is for YOU.

Should you not belong to that particular trifecta, you might still
enjoy it as an informative and entertaining political commentary.

Golf Carts & Other Deadly Weapons

2006-06-07T17:41:00.000-06:00

So after an bone-achingly busy day at work (wait, did I say after?)

What I mean is, while I sit here eating my enchiladas - brought into
the chicken plant for our largely latino labor force (they are authen-
tic and delicious by the way {the enchiladas I mean, not the labor
force} and no - I do NOT want to know what's in them {again, refer-
ring to the enchiladas there}) during one of the few breaks I've
managed to catch today, I've been catching up on the news.

Allow me to share with you a somewhat humorous story:

Golf Carts & Other Deadly Weapons

Yeah I know, that's not REALLY the name of the news story - but
if I'd written it, that's what I would have called it.

I mean truly, isn't dui based on the fact that if you are drunk and
behind the wheel you run the risk of causing property damage and/
or vehicular homicide? Can you really do all of that in a golf cart?
Shouldn't the golf cart folks get a P.I. and a ride home for the night
- or if they are really being an ass, a trip to the pokey to cool off til
the next morning? Has anyone ever been killed or maimed by a
drunken golf cart driver run amok?

Or perhaps do the police in Peachtree City have not quite enough
to do...

Workblogging

2006-05-29T14:42:00.000-06:00

You know, I've long subscribed to the idea that you draw to your-
self the same levels of sanity, drama, kindness, etc as you yourself
possess. Or I suppose I could more effectively sum it up by saying,
"karma," but too many people use that word to convey some type
of cosmic punishment, and that is not at all what I am trying to say.

I espouse the idea that if you are finding yourself in relationships
with psychos over and over again or if you constantly are con-
stantly underrappreciated by all of your friends, these are people
whom you are drawing to yourself because of your own state of
emotional health (or lack thereof) - and when I say you I mean
you and me. When you have matured or grown emotionally, you
will either attract different people OR the same people will re-
spond to you differently.

So anyway. I looked around at my work environment this week,
none of which I can blog about, and I although I can't share any
details, I did find a good quote which seemed highly appropriate
to the situation and pretty much describes how I feel:

"How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice. 'You must be,' said the
Cat, 'or you wouldn't have come here.'"

Alice in Wonderland

Goodbye Bellsouth & AT&T

2006-05-14T10:18:00.000-06:00

Hi NetWit, I am doing ok. I had my last surgery that I have to have
about 2 1/2 weeks ago. It was supposed to be for a hernia but then
it turned out I had twins. You know, one on each side? LOL So I've
been in PAIN. But still working a lot. I am hoping I haven't blown
out one side by going back to work and lifting chicken samples and
whatnot too soon.

At any rate, I have decided that since Bellsouth and AT&T are al-
ready receiving pay for my phone service and numbers from the gov-
ernment, they don't really need mine on top of it. Kudos to Qwest for
having some balls and just SAYING NO to giving out our private in-
formation.

I have cancelled my AT&T long distance and cut all of my bellsouth
services except for the basic line I need for my burglar alarm. I'll
figure out how to hook up with Qwest for cell service.

The Haunting

2006-04-15T12:22:00.000-06:00

Oh YES, I forgot to report that in last week of February/First
week of March when I was losing my most important poten-
tial new account whilst hobbling around airports on a broken
foot, anemic as all get out on the epic week and a half long
string of trips I made from Ohio to California to Texas and
then back to Alabama again... (it's harder adjusting to the cul-
ture shock on the way back in than it is to the time zones by
the way)

Anyway, during that week, on one of the assorted airlines on
which I traveled, a male flight attendant said something to me
that used to be the absolute bane of my existence. Now that I
am getting umm... OLDER... I found that I was actually kind of
a little, well... sorta weirdly pleased to hear it. Are you ready?

He said, "I had Christina Applegate in first class last week, and
I'm sure you've heard this before, but Oh My God! You look
Just like her!"

Now see, there was a time when that used to bug the hell out
of me. I mean, she was the tart in Married with Children. I
didn't want to look like HER. Now that I just turned 39, I'm
pretty fucking happy that somebody still thinks I look like
the tart in Married with Children. Ok, granted, he thinks I
look like her now... but anyway.

See? It's all in how you look at things. I always tell people
that all they really need to do is slow down and get a little per-
spective...

Ok - So About Me

2006-04-08T21:03:00.000-06:00

I mean, like in case you want to know or whatever. Let's see. I've
been as usual, high on ~~life~~drugs. Albeit legal drugs. Re-
lated, of course, to my most recent surgery.

As it happens, my brilliant doc made me go off of procrit for six
weeks as an experiment (read - passive aggressive punishment)
and much as I predicted, my red blood count plummeted to trans-
fusion levels.

This became embarrassing to him because I was due up for the
LAST two (hopefully) surgeries that I need. That we know of
at any rate. So... he let me go back on them about three weeks
ago and I had the first surgery - a repair on my deviated septum
along with turbinate repairs. I can already tell a HUGE difference
in my breathing and I am guardedly hopeful that it may help with
my migraines. Which would then leave me with having to break
a rather long and err.... embedded narcotics habit. But worth it,
doncha think?

Ok, so I am two weeks post-op. In about another two weeks I'll
have a hernia repair. (They let me go ahead with the septoplasty
because one loses very little blood during this type of surgery).
In another couple of weeks I should have rebuilt my red blood
cell supply on procrit. I also have plans to see a really good hema-
tologist at UAB in Birminingham. So there you have it. My medi-
cal life.

In the interim, I have been flying all over God and everywhere
selling chicken. There have been some great sales this year, how-
ever, that is tempered by losses we are still facing from last year's
bad buys and huge inventories. In other words, my finances are
still in, you know, less than happy shape. Hence my absence from
the blog. I've been sick, tired and working.

I am happy to report that on my liver, I only have to repeat the
catscan to confirm that the masses (there are three) haven't
grown. If they haven't, then I have a benign condition for which
I will not need further surgery and which will not cause me health
problems. I should have that done in the next month or so.

Dylan is at his junior prom tonight and he looked very handsome.
He is such a great kid. Hopefully, he'll get a job soon. He needs to
start paying some of his insurance. He's an expensive kid. LOL
He is a great kid though. A very great kid.

So that's it. Consider yourselves UPDATED. ;) And there you
have it.

Ok, So I HAD to Post This

2006-04-08T15:51:00.000-06:00

Because its just SO DAMN CUTE!

I mean, if you like hamsters, like I like hamsters... (you kind of
have to sing that first line like a show tune and imagine people
dancing to it) and no, I'm not inferring anything about liking
them in that gerbiling kind of sense.

That's just... well... umm... hamster cruelty. And yes, you heard
that coming from me, ladies and gentlemen, the girl who eats
lamb and veal wantonly and with great abandon. And possibly
in the middle of orgies, although THAT I can assure you is just
an unconfirmed rumor begun my detractors and has absolutely
no very little if any basis in the truth and never did.

Enough with the blathering and on with the cute-as-pie, estrogen
inducing, ovary follicle readying video clip:

The Hamster/Cookie Video

Mini-Cruiser Alert

2006-04-08T09:09:00.000-06:00

So apparently we're about to be faced with the arrival of Tom's
Mini-Me.

Think Katie can handle the Silent Birth?

Ok, So I was Like

2006-04-07T19:40:00.000-06:00

or rather, I am like - watching this special on country music. And
I was just realizing that country music fans are SUPER conserva-
tive. I mean, you can really get in trouble as a country Artist -
especially as a FEMALE country artist (for of course, that is what
the special is ABOUT - female country artists, and the complete
raw fucking deal they've gotten over the years, all of you male
bastards out there. Yep. I'll bet you had no idea you were keep-
ing the female crooners down did ya? Well shame on you! Say
500 Hail Mary's. I mean right now! I don't care that you're Jew-
ish, do it anyway!) Just kidding.

Anyway. Seriously. I had nooooooooo fucking idea that the en-
tire system of country music and radio stations and fan bases and
whatnot was so insular and incredibley backwards. It's really bi-
zarre. It's like having to watch the country elect Bush 100 times
in a row or something. Awww... don't get mad now Benny, but he
is REALLY DOWN in the polls and you know it. Ok, enough about
that. It is actually kind of an interesting little special on A&E. It's
called - are you ready for this?

Hairdo's & Heartaches

What? It IS! But actually, I really admire the women of country
music. They all seem really... I don't know. Tough. And not many
of them die of heroin overdoses, which is always sort of a plus, not
to mention a damn site better than you can say for the women of
rock.

Anyway, you can really get in trouble for saying or doing or even
for recording the wrong thing. Apparently, one woman recorded
a song called Unwed Fathers or something like that in the 80's
and radio stations refused to play it. Another woman recorded a
song about dating younger men and country radio stations refused
to play it. They were both deemed "too controversial."
Anyway...

Wouldn't It Be Cool

2006-02-19T10:50:00.000-06:00

If the Powerball winner was Bill Gates and... since HE didn't need
the money, he bought a huge parcel of land, or alternately, several
small parcels - and moved those thousands of mobile homes pur-
chased with our TAX $$ and sinking ever further into the mud in
"whereveritis" (Arkansas)? as a big F-U to to the gov for wasting
our money in the first place.

Like, with no further plan in mind. (like the g0v ever plans ahead)
Wouldn't that be cool?

Because I would love to help so many of those families waiting for
homes and this is just so unacceptable. It's just a furtherance of the
first FEMA fiasco. Our tax dollas stagnating. AGAIN.

A Repost of My Favorite Post

2006-02-18T18:06:00.000-06:00

A Quiz From Ranger Tom

Ranger Tom's Quiz

Seven things you plan to do before you die

1. Write a book
2. Clean my house.
I mean, by myself, as opposed to beggingother people to
do it and then paying them. Oh fuck it. Life'stoo short.
Scratch that one. I'll keep paying.
2. Wake up on time. Oh fuck it, Again, life's too short.
3. Enhance my ummm... top shelf... I've always wanted a
reallystellar rack.
4. Visit every country in the world at least once
(So far I've onlybeen to the US, Canada and Mexico so I've
got a fair amount togo.)
5. Learn several languages well, Spanish and French much
much much better, and learn Russian, Chinese and Japanese.
Just be-cause I think it would be cool to know them.
6. Visit the remaining states in the U.S. that I haven't seen
(not too many of those to go)
7. Stick pins in my child until he gives me grandchildren
(he's only17 1/2, so I'll give him 6-8 years or so before I ex=
pect anythingalong those lines.
8. Spend the night at the Myrtles plantation in Louisiana
(itshaunted you know.)
9. Become better organized. This wouldn't take much. I mean,
ANY steps towards this end would be better than nothing.

Seven things you can already do

1. Shoot a gun well (hey, I'm from Texas)
2. Convince people that it really WOULD be easier to do things
my way.
3. Say what I mean and mean what I say
4. Raise a kid
5. Tell the truth. Ok wait, I think I covered that on 3
.6. Sell stuff
7. Read. I read really really fast, and its one of my favorite things
to do.
8. Empathize. Sometimes I do this a little bit too well.

Seven things you can't do

1. Let things go when I should.
2. Refrain from "taking things personally." (Whatever the hell
THAT means.)
3. Realize that not EVERYTHING, (say, the mideast peace crisis
for example), is my fault.
4. Bob for apples and actually come up with said object.
5. Stop being a perfectionist.
6. Have a boyfriend for longer than a year at a time without
fucking it up.
7. Swim with sharks without getting hurt.
8. Follow the rules and refrain from listing more than 7 things.

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex

1. Intelligence
2. Humor
3. Self Confidence
4. Ambition
5. Zaniness
6. Kindness
7. Similarities or Affinity

Seven things you say most

1. And there you have it
2. So here's the deal (a la H. Ross Perot)
3. So the fuck what
4. I don't give a shit
5. What the fuck?
6. How the hell? (You'll note that this is very closely akin
to "What the fuck?")
7. And there it is (Also close to "And there you have it."
(Yeah, so I do a lot of fucking repeats, so sue me)

Seven people you want to take this quiz...

Ok, I took the quiz, so beyond that, I don't give a shit
who else takes it. So there, fuck it. Oh yeah, add that
to the last one, that's another thing I say, FUCK IT.
Oh and another one,"So There." "Go Figure." And, "I
don't give a shit." And thereyou have it.

Unfortunately

2006-02-18T16:16:00.000-06:00

I've had to enable the "word verificati0n" option due to specific
bastard spammer members such as "VICODIN." Who knew there
would come a day when I would want less vicodin in my life? Yep.

Too bad you can't just block specific members rather than having
to turn on word verification and making it a hassle for everyone,
but there it is...

Will write more when I have time, I've been busy with work and
health issues and stuff.

Syd

Ja, I'm Inga From Sveden...

2006-02-18T16:01:00.000-06:00

Birds stay gay

ATTEMPTS to break up gay penguin couples
in Germany by sending in females from Sweden
have failed. The females were too shy to seduce
the males, said the penguins' home at Bremer-
haven Zoo. "The Swedes are rather stand-offish,"
said zoo chief Heiki Kueck.

The Scotsman
February 10, 2006

huh. So much for the charms of the busty blonde
babes of the much lauded Swedish bikini team that
I always hear so much about... (snark, snark)

Come to think of it, the Germans always HAVE
had problems with gay couples. They used to put
them in camps and whatnot. Penguins mate for life
you know. Let the poor birds be! ;)

Livers & Gizzards

2006-01-07T14:21:00.000-06:00

Ok so... I have this little mass thingie on my liver. They are going
to do surgery on Thursday (laparoscopically) and take a sample of
it and a bunch of samples of my liver which they think the doctors
may have damaged by giving me too much iron. Ha! Wouldn't it
be WAY more fucking fun to damage your liver with too much al-
cohol? Anyway, its all too complicated and more importantly, BOR-
ING to go into - the medical minutieu of it, but the long and short
of it is that I'm having surgery Thursday.

I have this HUMONGOUS list of shit to get done before then and
Dylan is currently working on the first one, which is painting the
shed door in our back yard. (Get this, our insurance company said
that the door to our fucking POTTING shed. Our potting shed -
where we store PLANTS AND DIRT - which is and always has
been natural wood - has to painted. I said, why? They said, we're
afraid that rain could get in through the wood and damage con-
tents in the shed. I said, there is nothing in the shed. It's a pot-
ting shed. Notice how its NEXT TO THE FLOWER GARDEN?

They said, well, we'll drop your homeowners policy if you don't
paint it. Now mind you, I have never made a claim on my home-
owners policy. Not now, and not in the three years I had my old
place. What the fuck? But anyway, the insurance is cheap so we
are painting the FUCKING SHED DOOR.

Then there is the toilet. Right. Still not fixed. But obviously I
can't climb up and down the fucking stairs after surgery. So...
Gotta get that done. Right. Looking for a plumber now. Time
to call in the pros.

And then work. Oy vey. Seriously, work is fantastic. People
have just been handing me orders while nobody else is selling.
Which is a gift. Truly. It makes me look like a worthwhile em-
ployee since I'm making a lot of money for the company while
I'm having to take medical leave. So I am so grateful. And I can
hopefully pay my boss back for sticking by me last year when I
lost so much money.

So Dylan is home, work is great and my house is kinda sorta clean.
Life is good. :)

New

2006-01-07T14:08:00.000-06:00

bluetooth headset - explorer 640.
It even comes with its own little carrying case and battery
backup. I got one the other day to match my - ALSO
NEW - Nokia 6682 Smart Phone.

Very Cool. That is all.

from The Queen of the Cell Phone Geeks

The Man of My Dreams

2006-01-01T11:20:00.000-06:00

I may have met the man of my dreams. For the first time in my
life I was talking to this guy and he actually got excited about com-
paring different cell phones with me. Tech geek heaven here I
come.

Monk

2006-01-01T10:58:00.000-06:00

So I'm watching a series of Monk shows on USA Network and all I
have to say is BOY WAS USA STUPID TO GET RID OF BITTY
SCHRAMM. She was as much a star of the show as Tony Shaloub.

The new girl is cute but she can't hold a candle to Bitty. It's just
not the same. I mean, Tony still puts in the same great perfor-
mance as Adrian Monk, but without Bitty Schramm the show will
never be as multi-faceted as it once was. They should have paid
her that little bit extra she wanted and have done with it. Oh
yeah, I forgot. Women aren't worth the extra money. Whatever.
I don't tune in like I used to anymore USA. So Congratulations on
THAT decision making process.

And as for the rest of you...

~*~*~**HAPPY NEW YEAR**~*~*~

My favorite line by Bitty Schramm from a Monk episode:
"Shut up Bitch. Show's Over."

The Icon

2005-12-31T14:06:00.000-06:00

Ok, I totally ripped this off from some guy who's trying to pick me
up on Match.com. I don't know if he ripped it off or wrote it so...
Right, anyway. Here it is:

Flowbee

OK, this one is TRUE!*

I have a friend who is a great beautician. She must have thought I
looked a little ragged, because she offered to give me a haircut this
weekend. I don't want anything free, so I stopped by the Thrift
Store a couple of nights ago and picked up a Flow Bee, the hair clip-
pers that fit on your vacuum. It was a little greasy, but for just two
bucks, I snatched that thing up. Pulled all those quarters out of my
pocket so fast that I think I've got whiplash.

Well, I've got one of those new industrial strength Oreck vacuums,
the kind that can pick up a bowling ball. To make a long story short,
I'm wearing a toboggan today, and it looks like I'll have to wear it for
at least a month. To make matters worse, I didn't want to get hair
all over my clothes, so I did it naked. That thing got away from me
and headed straight for my "private" area . I now have a perfect like-
ness of Mother Teresa down there.

I guess some idiot from the hospital told a few friends about it, be-
cause I had every dang TV station and newspaper in Alabama calling
me the next day. A free lunch sounded reasonable to me, so I let
NBC 13 News broadcast a live remote from the shop last night.

When I got to work this morning, there was a huge line of customers
lined up outside. Well, it turned out they're "pilgrims" here to see
Mother Teresa. I'm very busy, with house payment and payroll com-
ing up today. Well money is time, and as bad as I hate to, I'm going to
have to charge these folks for their ?viewing?. I just hope they don't
want to see her weeping tears of blood.

*She really is a great beautician.

Still Alive

2005-12-26T22:36:00.000-06:00

Ok So... You've probably all heard of the Dead Pool list right? It's
a this list where people submit a list of 25 people they think or
hope will kick off during the next year and there's a pool of money
and he/she with the most names croaking by the end of the year
wins. So anyway.

I thought about joining, but I didn't have the heart to actually bet
on and then ROOT for people to die. I mean, given my own medi-
cal problems it even seemed a little bit like you know, bad karma.
So instead, I came up with a list of people who have reached a time
in their lives when they, like my dad, and perhaps even me, have
been around for awhile and should let people know that they are
still out there and lucky to be there for another bend around the
ol' twist in the New Year. Pssstt... You may feel that a couple of
'em don't really even deserve it, but as it's said...

"even the wicked get worse than they deserve." Willa Cather

Happy New Year EveryOne!

And Without Further Ado, The Still Alive List for 2006:

june allyson
bob barker
ingmar bergman
joey bishop 87
ernest borgnine
jack kervorkian
p.w. botha
ray bradbury
helen gurley brown
mel brooks
james brown
art buchwald
ross perot
red buttons
robert byrd
Castro
Frank Cady
Sid Caesar
kitty carlisle
pierre cardin
walter cronkite 89
yvonne decarlo 83
Doris Day 81
Olivia De Havilland 89
Dino De Laurentiis 88
Kirk Douglas 89
oan Fonaine 88
Betty Ford 87
Glenn Ford 88
John Forsythe 89
Milton Friedman 93
Zsa Zsa Gabor 86
John Glenn 84
Dody Goodman 90
Robert Goulet 72
Curt Gowdy 86
Billy Graham 87
Andy Griffith 79
Merv Griffin 80
Robert Guillaume 78
Alexander Haig 81
Monty Hall 82
Paul Harvey 87
Leona Helsley 85
Jesse Helms 84
Edmund Hillary 85
Lena Horne 89
Henry Kissinger 82
Jack Klugman 83
Deborah Kerr 84
B.B. King 80
Monte Irvin 86
Van Johnson 89
Frankie Lane 92
Charles Lane 100
Lyndon LaRouche 83
Art Linkletter 93
Norman Lear 83
Meadowlark Lemon 75
Claude Levi-Strauss 97
Herbert Lom 88
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi 94
Karl Malden 93
Nelson Mandela 87
George McGovern 83
Robert McNamara 89
Ricardo Montalban 85
Howard Metzenbaum 88
Stan Musial 85
Augusto Pinochet (Ugarte) 90
Oral Roberts 87
David Rockefeller 90
Andy Rooney 86
Liz Taylor
James Van Allen 90
Abigail Van Buren 87
Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 83
Kurt Waldheim 87
Eli Wallach 90
Miike Wallace 87
Joseph Wapner 86
Shelley Winters 85
John Wooden 95
Jane Wyatt 94
Jane Wyman 91
Alan Young

Dear Santa

2005-12-24T10:01:00.000-06:00

Dear Santa,

I'm a 38 year old single mom from Alabama.
I would love to have world peace for Christmas. What? Not gonna
happen this year? Well then, I'll just move on.

If there is any way you could convince my dad that he REALLY
DOES need a hearing aid so that he'll quit yelling at all of the rest
of us who can, by the way, hear just fine - that would be swell.

My 17 year old son Dylan has been a pretty great kid so far. He's a
junior in high school and of course, I love him more than life itself.
I could never have hoped for a better child. I hope he keeps right
on staying on that "nice" rather than the "naughty" track, but God
knows I'd love him no matter what.

About the politicians... I hesitate to even go here Santa because I
don't know if all of the pixie dust and elf tricks at the North Pole
could fix what ails our political system. Maybe they should just join
hands and sing "Kumbaya" once around the big Christmas Tree at
the White House before we ring in the New Year. What do you
think?

I think that's about it... oh wait. One more thing. I DO live in a
VERY small town Santa. And I'm umm... divorced. I know, but it
happens to the best of us sometimes. At any rate, there aren't many
unattached degreed professionals in these parts, so if you do see a
cute one, could you send him my way? Merry Christmas!

Sydney

My Temperment (Scary But True)

2005-12-22T23:33:00.000-06:00

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.
You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.
At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

Your Relationship Quotient

2005-12-22T23:16:00.000-06:00

Your Ideal Relationship is Polyamory

You want to have your cake... and everyone else's.Which isn't a bad thing, if everyone else gets to eat too!You're too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a traditional relationship.You think relationships should be open and free, with few restrictions.

What's" Your Ideal Relationship?

Mo' Movie Schtuff

2005-12-12T00:08:00.000-06:00

So today I watched, of course, more (what turned out to be B)
movies. One with Katie Holmes called Abandon. Absolutely
awful. And I like to find things to love about Katie Holmes films.
You know, Katie pre-cult cum mini-cruiser bearing vehicle. But
nothing doing with this one. Currently I'm watching Mercy. The
only good thing about this film is that you get to perv on Peta
Wilson. And you get to flirt with both lesbianism AND S&M
in the SAME film. Although truthfully, the S&M in this film is
far from erotic. The lesbianism is a little hot though.

The only thing better than that is the realization that Peta
looks hot in the film and she is very close to my age. Bad point -
the film was made in 1999. Good point - although Ellen Barkin,
who was formerly kind of a hottie, is looking distressingly a little
ummm... distressed, err... aged. I looked her up and she IS 13
years old than I am. Bad point - the film was made in 1999.
Right. That means I only have seven years to go until my first
face lift.

My Dad is Better

2005-12-11T16:33:00.000-06:00

But bitchy. Very very bitchy. He resides constantly in the land of
you should have done, you should do, why didn't you, you really
need to, etc. I apparently have done NOTHING right in the past
38 years and I am in no danger of accidently fucking up and pul-
ling off a correct decision anytime in the near future.

However. This is all good. It means that my father is entirely
back to normal. I mean, save for that 18" incision across his lower
abdomen. That's gotta suck. I KNOW it still hurts. The doctor
sent him home with EXACTLY 30 painkillers, and those were on-
ly lortab 50o's. And of course, being my dad, he was not about to
ask for more. And he forbid me to do it for him. So anyway. Fine
then. Suffer. Whatever. Uggh!

But at least he's ok. I wanted to give everyone that update. And
I wanted to thank all of you for your support and encouragement.
Quite honestly, I didn't think he would make it through this one
so I am unbelievably grateful.

And there you have it.

I Wonder

2005-12-11T14:00:00.000-06:00

How Tom Cruise and the Spawn carrying vehicle formerly known
as Katie Holmes are doing? All has been soooo quiet on the Wes-
tern front of late. No more late night sofa switches on the sets of
any talk shows due to busted metal springs or anything?

Do you suppose she'll "get" to have any sort of career after she
delivers mini-cruiser? I mean, as long as she agrees not to take
any roles which might be viewed as less than wholesome and
seemly for The wife of THE TOM C. You know, nothing where
her character says... drinks, smokes - does drugs...

And speaking of drugs, I hope that natural childbirth thing works
out for her. If any guy tried to make me go through childbirth
without an epidural he'd damn well better stay out of the room
while it was happening because I'd probably kill somebody and
I'm sure I'd know where to "focus" my anger if you get my drift.
He'd be fucking BEGGING me to take the drugs before I was done
with his ass.

Poor Katie. You sold your soul so young. RIP

Sunday Is...

2005-12-11T11:18:00.000-06:00

Officially known as weird movie day at our house. Ok, that's not
entirely true. The weekends in general are good for trying to
cram in as many films of as many different varieties and varying
quality as possible. Actually, the variable quality isn't a prerequi-
site, it just seems to kind of come with the territory.

So anyway, this morning's movie is a particularly pedestrian and
well... just basically LAME attempt at a suspense/horror flick
called: Octane. It shoulda been good. It has Madeleine Stowe in
it.

Death of A Genius

2005-12-11T00:23:00.000-06:00

And a Groundbreaker. Way ahead of of his time
and gone way too soon.

Richard Pryor - Rest in Peace...

He's Always...

2005-12-08T19:20:00.000-06:00

CLASSIC

Eat your heart out Bill O!

Hey There

2005-12-08T10:02:00.000-06:00

I'm alive. I've just been under the weather and a little too tired to
post lately. Will get back to everyone soon.